Thursday, July 22, 2010

Entry 60: Let Me Put My Patriotism In You

My Fellow Americans (and close Canadian neighbors),

The chime of freedom is ringing in this blog today.  I'm going to address a touchy subject with you, namely: erotic massage.  (get it?  touchy?)

A  cyber-friend of mine was employed as the manager of an erotic massage parlor.  Lovely ladies, lingerie, massage, and a "Happy Ending."  (For you Puritans out there, that means a hand job.  For you Quakers out there, a hand job means hand-on-penis sex done from one person to another)

Her place of business is legal, taxed, regulated, and the workers there have far more protections and rights than the ladies who work as prostitutes in Nevada.  This place must be in Canada, right?  Right.  Sure is.  Why?  Because this activity is illegal (with scant exception) in the US.  Shameful, I know.

You might be thinking, "Caleb wanting erotic massage legal... duh!"  and you would be right, but probably for the wrong reasons.  I'm not sure if I could even pay for such an act.  How awkward, right? 

"Um, hi... I'm Caleb.  This is, uh, my wiener."

Commence handjob.

Maybe if they liquor you up first!

So on what grounds do I want to see this industry legal?  Well, I'll tell you: freedom.  I want the freedom to get an erotic massage and I would want the freedom to give them for money.  Well, not me personally, but you know.

You will find opposition to the legality of erotic massage in many forms, but here are three common reasons:

1. It demeans women (as if you couldn't have males in this industry)
2. It is morally wrong
3. It encourages other, more risky illegal behavior (read: they're all crackwhores and sell/do drugs)

I'm not going to offer a point-by-point rebuttal of these reasons, but suffice it to say that they suck and that I disagree wholeheartedly.  Plus, the way I see it, the farther that morals and values get from regulating my personal life- the better. 

Does that make me a libertarian?  I hope not.  I'm just of the "don't bust my chops" mentality, and I'm willing to extend that same courtesy to others.  That's what freedom means to me: handjobs, pot, and not being legally required to wear your seat belt. 


I'd like to say that things are getting better, but sadly I don't think they are.  Just today a weed-like drug, K2, was outlawed in Iowa.  Turns out people were having fun using it, so they had to act quickly. 

As my final thought, let me put forward an idea to all of you readers: before you think that every person who works as an erotic massage is a dirty, drug-filled tramp; before you think that every trucker is a bearded, horny monster; before you assume even that every politician in America must be a crooked two-faced liar; recognize that these stereotypes and over-generalizations lead to nothing but not-freedom. 
And we're against not-freedom, right?

Caleb "I'll take a happy ending!" Shreves 

PS here is the link to me singing THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!


  1. Dear Proffer:

    I think your voice is amazing. It brought me to tears. I'll let you guess if it was tears of joy or sadness. Actually, it was pretty awesome, so kudos to you!

    When it comes to any type of prostitution, I think it should legalized. And regulated. Get them tested, and make them pay for it out of pocket, and then tax their income.

  2. *puts hat back on* Wow, that was awesome! I liked the falsetto. Was that recorded mid-Happy Ending?

  3. Thanks for the backup. You explain it much more eloquently than me.
    It is legal but still frowned upon. People are afraid to admit that sometimes you have to pay for something you really want if you can't or don't have the time to make it happen on it's own. It's more than just a quick hj. These types of places help lots of lonely gents deal with loss or work on their trust issues. They get to have a confidant(a hot young one) as well as a close connection with someone if only for an hour. Not every client is a sleezy douchebag. Sometimes you just want to pour your heart out to a girl in heels.

    And we did have a bar. Not sure that part was legal though...

    Shit son, you've got pipes!

  4. Wifey- you never explained 'proffer'. Also, I agree prostitution should be legal.

    Thanks Lisa! No, I rarely allow handjobs. Women just don't know my wiener like I do. We're TIGHT.

    Foxy- thanks, but I like to give credit to Marlboro. Also, I ALWAYS want to pour my heart out to girls in heels.

    I like heels. And skirts. Have I mentioned that yet?

  5. Ah, it was from an authentication when you left a comment.

  6. Caleb,

    You NUTS and me likey zis long time!

    Back to the real question after an impromptu impersonation of a masseuse of the Asian persuasion:

    Can the erotic masseuse wear a burqa? ,-)

  7. Yes and yes.

    Wifey- I remember now!

    Proffer... heh heh.

    Go Cubs!