Entry 133: I Should Probably Just Stop With The Whole Making-Out Thing

Why is it that when you put your life on the line to, say, save a child from a speeding car or a baby falling from a tree (they do that, right?) everyone thinks you're a hero.  Yet if you put yourself in harms way for the sake of a little 1st-3rd base action, it's "irresponsible" or even "hilarious?"  Well if "crazy you-almost-died-trying-to-get-some" stories come in threes, then I put the icing on the cake last week.  Fuck you, people who like metaphors to go together correctly.

Some of you readers already know the first 2 stories, so I'll only provide a brief recap.  Plus, I'm assuming- since you're reading this- that you're at least a little... slow, so I'll add some drawings to help you understand.  The first event was what I like to call "if a Caleb falls down in a hallway and only one half-dressed girl is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  Here's what happened:

*not drawn to scale.

While making out with LJ (aka The Lizard) I had her pushed against the hallway.  I wanted to lean back against the other side of the hall which, as you can see, would have been completely fine given where I was in the hallway.  The problem was that I drank lots of Tequila and I was actually in a different part of the hallway:

Basically I toppled, flatfooted, into my living room and bounced several times on the floor.  I managed to take a picture of LJ laughing at me:

She likes hats.

While embarrassing, this event wasn't as bad as the second event.  Well, they were both bad, but the first one had a lot less blood and more time spent conscious. 

Yes, I'll explain what happened for those of you too busy winning (duh) to read old posts.  I'm, uh, getting it on in bed (yes, drunk again, what's it to ya?) with LJ.  Here's the setup.  Note the very dangerous dresser filled with dangerous objects.  Oh and in case my drawings are hard to decipher, the dangerous items on the dresser- clockwise from the Liger- are: Liger, poison-tipped spear, war mace, TNT, ninja-sword.

I was going to go back and add some poisonous spiders and nun chucks to the dresser, but I'd be belaboring an already exaggerated point.  Because, you see, none of the dangerous items on the dresser actually posed the real threat.  No friends, allow me to zoom in for you on the corner of my dresser. 

5,000,000x magnification.

See it?  I knew you would.  A CORNER!  A sharp corner, too.  I think you can already put together the fact that I smashed my head on it.  Bad.  The graphic part of the story is that it occurred AT THE SAME TIME as... another thing.  Ok, pervs, yes- I was just about to get mine.  And did.  Except I passed out... a little bit.  Luckily I came to (OMG! OMG! OMG! Entendre overload!!) after a brief spell and went to the bathroom to check out my head.  I thought I was fine, but saw this:

 

Yeah, I know kids, graphic.  Oddly enough, in the throes of passion LJ hadn't realized what had happened until she came into the bathroom after to see what was up:

My grossest drawing yet.  Yay me!

No, I told her what happened.  And I'm sure she was sympathetic and concerned, but it was hard to tell with her crying laughing and me wiping blood from my face. 

Then I thought I was free from incidents for a while.  Until last week.  Tell you what, readers, I'm going to show you 4 pictures and you see if you can guess what happened.  Ready?  Go. 

My car.

Lots and lots of these.

4 Lane one-way road with side street parking. 

Car MO action.  (MO= making out for you noobs)

Got it yet?  Huh?  Okay, how about one more for you slow ones out there:

Surely you have it by now, right?  And for the last one of you out there to get this (I'm guessing... Andrew?  Becky?) I'll submit this:

 

Yup, 3AM, thought I was parked in front of LJ's house, just getting my MO on, when I hear that alarming yell.  Cars move really slowly when they're just drifting in drive, so I figure it must have taken me a good while to get 3 blocks down the street.  Here's where I thought I was parked in relation to LJ's house:

 

Now we'll send our bird and his eye higher up in the air so you can see where I actually was:

Sigh.  I know there's some sort of moral to this story- probably about sobering up and being "responsible"- but I just can't help but feel that all of these incidents aren't my fault.   I haven't figured out how they aren't my fault yet, but I'm working on it. 

Oh, and I wanted to thank my bird friend for telling me what this all looked like from above.  He has a keen eye for detail and a fantastic ability to relay what he sees so I can draw it accurately.  Thanks, friend.

Will do, buddy.  Will do.

Caleb "Winning! Duh." Shreves

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