Entry 142: I Lost An iPhone, But Gained Maturity. And Pants.

Some of you longtime readers may recall that very few things in this world send me into a rage. Losing things, however, does. So I was surprised this weekend when I showed a lot of maturity by not going on a rampage when I temporarily lost my new iPhone.

Tangential story: I got a new iPhone, it's awesome, I can upload ridiculous pictures straight to Facebook and even have an application for fake texts. More on that later.  Also, if you're curious about what else sends me into spiraling hate-fevers: hiccups.  Seriously- I have left bars, parties, and fun events merely because a case of hiccups wouldn't go away.

My first all left-handed drawing! 

ADD-return-to-topic time.

Anyway, I was drinking a few (read: 30+) beers on Sunday at The Cave and lost my phone somewhere between leaving there and arriving at the bar to drink more beers and a half bottle of tequila.  (Note: that's not a good idea.) The next morning I awoke on my bed, sprawled out Vesuvian man style, fully dressed and with everything in my pockets from the night before except my phone. This morning I found my phone.  The story of what happened in between is instructive, and I'll share it with you since you'd rather hear this story than work, obviously.

What to do in the event of you losing your phone: By Caleb Shreves

Start here. Not pictured: iPhone

  
1. Check obvious places, wear pants.

First you want to piece together where you might have been between the last time you had your phone and now.  If you're hungover and likely still drunk, I recommend guzzling some coffee and maybe a few warm beers just to get your brain firing again.  And if you have to step outside to check your car, I definitely recommend remembering to wear pants.  Trust me.*  Did you pass out on a couch?  Perhaps your phone slid out of your pocket when you were fumbling to find your last crumpled up bills to buy that last shot of tequila? Nope, you've checked the obvious places and now it's time to get creative.  So slam that warm Mike's Hard Lemonade you found outside (how'd that even get there, you wonder?) and hop on your 1983 Honda Nighthawk 650 to go revisit all the places you went last night.  
*if, when you step outside, it takes you longer than 1 minute to realize you're not wearing pants, go back to bed. 

2. Retrace your steps, blame others.

At this point you've officially lost your phone.  You'll likely feel the indignant sting of universe-totes-not-being-fair and feel your anger rise, but don't give in to your hate-devil just yet.  DO, however, name your hate-devil.  I recommend "Wally" or "Clyde." Also at this point it's best to redirect your shame at drunken misplacements by subtly accusing everyone you see of somehow being involved in a nefarious phone-stealing plot.  When you go to your cousin's house where you drank all day and don't find your phone, be sure to give him a suspicious glance and say something like "Gee... that's funny.  You saw me with it all day and now suddenly you DON'T know where I lost it?  Weird." And leave.

If you go to check the last bar you were at, but it's closed on Mondays for unknown reasons, you'll probably want to loudly pound on the door for several minutes, hoping that maybe someone is there who can open the place up so you can look around.  They're not, and people on the street will look at you funny, but fuck 'em. Don't let their "oh I'm awesome cuz I still have my phone" smugness get you down.  They probably have typhoid anyway.

New hairdo not included.

3. Complain loudly about your missing phone, blame more people .

Now your phone is officially lost, you've checked the obvious places and it hasn't turned up, and you're ready to regroup and think rationally.  Don't do it.  Try and find every person you saw the night before and accost them without warning about your phone.  "Where is it!!" you demand.  "Where's what?  What are you talking about, Caleb?"  "My phone!  What'd you do with it??!" and give them that crazy look you've been practicing in your rearview mirror.  That look that says "yeah, I'll eat a live squirrel on a dare." There's about a 0% chance that any of the people you blame actually had anything to do with you losing your phone, but you'll get a warm fuzzy feeling just by making the accusations. Wally will be pleased.

4. Use science and stuff.

LJ had a brilliant idea that was just crazy enough to try.  Her theory was that I had to get into the same mental state as the night before in order to effectively recall what I had done with my phone.  I googled some shit about it and apparently there's like, doctors and shit who have done tests showing that this works.  If you're studying for a big test, study in the same conditions you'll take the actual test in (good advice for you LSAT takers out there).  If you have a performance for something, practice it in the same way you're going to perform it.  If you got absolutely hammered all day and night and lost your phone, well... I think you see where this was heading.

At about 6 beers into this plan you'll likely have your first epiphany.  "Wait!" you say, "I do sort of remember getting my phone out at the bar to show someone a picture of my 5 year old cousin with his head and feet inside empty cases of miller lite!"  Great- now we have a starting point for finding your phone!  Keep those beers comin'.

Around 12 beers you'll likely get another revelation that will likely seem like that "aha! I know where it's at!" moment.  Maybe you actually didn't drive yourself home (because you're totes responsible) and your phone is in someone else's car!  Immediately find that person and order them to stop whatever they're doing for a full-on car search.   When you dont' find it, your initial excitement will fade back towards rage and it's time to get back to drinking.






Keep drinking and having a good time, but make sure to interrupt periods of good-time-having with sudden random outbursts.  "I WANT MY PHONE!!!"  then "too bad about those Cubs today..." then "WHERE IS IT!!!" followed by "I love those shoes on you!"  After enough beers you'll likely start to intermingle your comments.  This is good.  "Hey could I get another Bud Light and while you're back there could you FIND MY FUCKING PHONE??" is a good one.  Or, "remember that time that we had an amusing adventure together and let's fondly reminisce about it and by the way I HAD A PHONE THEN." Good stuff.  Nothing makes new friends like alternating bouts of good cheer and sullen yelling.

I mean, how could you *not* share this?

5. Give up, loser.

It's gone.  Gone for good.  You tried to recreate the conditions of when you lost the phone, you've exhausted every reasonable and logical possibility in your search, and you've made sure that everyone around you is aware of how you feel about losing your phone.  Good work.  At this point it's okay to reward yourself with some amusing distractions.  Maybe a roll in the hay, or a drunken 3am bike ride on an icy road, or maybe you put your cat in the freezer until she "learns some manners." Whatever you want- you've earned it.  Go to bed.

6. Acceptance, slight pangs of guilt, and the first place you should have looked.

There's almost always some sort of clue, right under your nose, that you've been missing all along. Perhaps as you clean your kitchen counter you see a mess of cheap Campbell's soup cans, empty ramen noodle bags, and a pot full of some strange-smelling meal still sitting on your stove.   

"Wait..." you think, "if I drunkenly made food, and it's gone, then I probably ate it.   Usually when I eat stuff I like to sit down places.  If I was hammered and eating this strange ramen noodle/Campbell's soup/chicken lunchmeat extravaganza, I would have probably sat in my chair.  Yup- look!  Dumb and dumber is still up on Netflix and paused at the scene where Lloyd says 'Harry- I took care of it!' [total Lolz]!"

So check under the cushion of your chair, and... BINGO.  There it is, with 17 missed calls, 5 voicemails, 9 texts, and inexplicably set to silent.


7. Scold your phone, refuse to apologize to people you falsely accused.

Pretty much self-explanatory, right?  Don't go easy on your phone, either. Bad phone!

I can't stay mad at you...

I hope you appreciate how far I've come to have handled a phone loss like this with such grace and maturity.  Gone are the days where I would stomp through the house, flinging cushions, pans, and cats around while making up angry lyrics to Garth Brooks songs. Nope, not anymore.  I have a foolproof and responsible 7 step plan to dealing with loss now, so losing things isn't quite as scary of a prospect as it used to be.

Just don't let it happen again.

Caleb "can't wait to show you how fun the fake-a-text app is!" Shreves

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