This morning my car decides that it's going to turn itself off after I start it.
Me: "huh? er...um, start now? Yeah, you, car. Start. Ohmygod. Fucking start. Seriously? Too hot for this right now."
I'm not a person who has any "skills" per se, so my eventual fixing idea is to unhook the battery and reattach it. All you need for that is a wrench!
Wait- where's my wrench. Where's my Goddamn wrench!! I stomp around the house, checking every place that I've ever put what few tools I have.
PS I subscribe to the "if a hammer can't fix it, call someone" theory of home and auto repair.
Car problems? Mildly annoying. Losing something? Throws me in a RAGE! No idea why, but it happens every time. I hate losing things.
So, I chain-smoke away most of my rage, then bang through the house making up a song to the tune of Garth Brooks' "I've Got Friends In Low Places"
"Oh I've got tools in lost places, where they do no good,
and increase my rage, oh where are they? This is fuckin' gay..."
Later the car is fixed (yes I actually fixed something) and I'm parked at the store getting a Big-Ass Coffee. When I get in my car again and before I start it, I give it a lecture about being a good car.
"Look, car, you need to START your ass up whenever I want you to. Don't be givin' me this bullshit anymore. -Yes, I know the door is ajar, but I want the CAR to be a'runnin!- I shouldn't have to unplug the damn battery just because my automatic key stopped working. That's frickin GAY. Why not just have some sort of reset button? Huh? What's wrong with you, car. Now I'm late to work and won't be able to take off early tomorrow to golf. I HOPE you're fucking HAPPY."
Then I look over and the beer delivery guy is standing there with his cart, staring at me. I look back at him.
"Just put one of those cases in my trunk, would ya?"
And I drive off.
Moral of the story: I'm insane, sing and talk to myself (and inanimate objects), and become enraged when I lose things.
Put that on your "things I know about Caleb" list.
Caleb "found his tools in a drawer where someone else must have put them" Shreves
PS In case you don't follow ITYM, there was a headline on Reuters.com that read, and I swear to God this is true:
"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"
He must have got about 100 meters away and then said "fuck it. I guess I'll have some dix now." Seriously? Noone at Reuters caught this?
*thanks to Farjar for finding this gem. Definitely a contender for ITYM of the year!