Thursday, July 8, 2010

Entry 51: Caleb Has Rage, Sings

How do you deal with your rage?  I rarely get it, so when I do it usually comes out in interesting ways. (TWSS)

This morning my car decides that it's going to turn itself off after I start it.

Me: "huh?, start now?  Yeah, you, car.  Start.  Ohmygod.  Fucking start.  Seriously?  Too hot for this right now."

I'm not a person who has any "skills" per se, so my eventual fixing idea is to unhook the battery and reattach it.  All you need for that is a wrench!

Wait- where's my wrench.  Where's my Goddamn wrench!! I stomp around the house, checking every place that I've ever put what few tools I have. 

PS I subscribe to the "if a hammer can't fix it, call someone" theory of home and auto repair.

Car problems?  Mildly annoying.  Losing something?  Throws me in a RAGE!  No idea why, but it happens every time.  I hate losing things.

So, I chain-smoke away most of my rage, then bang through the house making up a song to the tune of Garth Brooks' "I've Got Friends In Low Places"


"Oh I've got tools in lost places, where they do no good, 
and increase my rage, oh where are they?  This is fuckin' gay..."

Later the car is fixed  (yes I actually fixed something) and I'm parked at the store getting a Big-Ass Coffee.  When I get in my car again and before I start it, I give it a lecture about being a good car.

"Look, car, you need to START your ass up whenever I want you to.  Don't be givin' me this bullshit anymore.  -Yes, I know the door is ajar, but I want the CAR to be a'runnin!- I shouldn't have to unplug the damn battery just because my automatic key stopped working.  That's frickin GAY.  Why not just have some sort of reset button?  Huh?  What's wrong with you, car.  Now I'm late to work and won't be able to take off early tomorrow to golf. I HOPE you're fucking HAPPY."

Then I look over and the beer delivery guy is standing there with his cart, staring at me.  I look back at him.

"Just put one of those cases in my trunk, would ya?"

And I drive off.

Moral of the story: I'm insane, sing and talk to myself (and inanimate objects), and become enraged when I lose things.

Put that on your "things I know about Caleb" list.

Caleb "found his tools in a drawer where someone else must have put them" Shreves

PS In case you don't follow ITYM, there was a headline on that read, and I swear to God this is true:

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"

He must have got about 100 meters away and then said "fuck it.  I guess I'll have some dix now."  Seriously?  Noone at Reuters caught this?

*thanks to Farjar for finding this gem.  Definitely a contender for ITYM of the year!


  1. Hi Caleb! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm glad you found it amusing.

    As for rage - I either go for a drive or clean.

    And if I end up on your other blog, let me know and I'll be the first one to visit!

  2. I had that stupid song stuck in my head all night after reading this...thanks Caleb

  3. Hmm. How about a new song? To the tune of "lollipop"

    "Hangover, hangover, oo laa la hangover, hangover hangover, oo laa la hangover hangover hangover oo laa la hangover, Hangover! (pause two three) ba dum dum dum [repeat until hangover goes away]"

    You're welcome!


    Rage driving? That sounds safe. Hopefully you're texting at the same time, otherwise I'd be worried. The 'other' site is on a link to the right (I'm telling your mom)

    That site's fun because it collects all of the hilariously inappropriate content from the web and puts it together for mutual enjoyment. And who doesn't like that, right?

    PS you didn't follow.


  4. Please write me a song.

  5. OMG you caught me in the perfect mood for this game! (read: hungover)

    To the tune of "The Rose" (Beautiful song, fyi)

    "Lucky Girl....
    She reads ma blog,
    and comments
    all snarkily,

    Lucky Girl,
    she dates some losers
    but hopes
    to find her mate

    Lucky girl
    she dated one guy
    who she didn't really like at first in a physical way,
    but hoped to later

    Lucky girl
    she lives in New York
    and travels
    to other places sometimes"


    I'm insane.

    Seriously- youtube the bette midler version of that and sing along!

    Caleb <------ on a roll

  6. Dear Caleb<---Rock Star,

    Nobody ever wrote a song for me before.
    I love this!
    You, sir, are a genius.

    You should really contact Celine and see if she needs any new songs. Prince won't be emailing any to her now that the internet is dead and all...Just sayin'.

    Thanks for my beautiful ballad.

    P.S. The Rose was one of my favorite songs when I was a little girl. I actually used it once for an audition. Yeah. I didn't get the part. But I didn't have these lyrics!

  7. You're totally welcome!

    I wasn't caught up on the news when I first read your comment, but now the phrase "Prince won't be emailing her now that the internet is dead" make a LOT more sense.

  8. Hey interesting blog u got there man :)
    Lol that is some anger management to divert ur rage to singing or chain smoking sweet dude :D