Sunday, March 16, 2014

Well, TV, That Was Fun, But I Gotta Go.

TV is a funny thing. Nobody under the age of 35 actually "has" TV, yet we all watch what TV has to offer.  It's only when we go visit our parents or somebody else who has decided they'd rather spend $100 a month than use the interwebs that we actually get to see TV, commercials and all.

And really, since we've already seen TV on Netflix, HBO, Hulu, or free streaming sites, it's really only the commercials that are truly new to us.  Frankly, they are the most entertaining nowadays as well.  If you haven't made it home to watch actual television in the last year, I did the work for you and will quickly summarize what you need to know.

Gold and silver coins?  They're skyrocketing because China wants their own iPads now so the price is going to head back up to oil embargo levels from the '70s.  $50 bucks an ounce--any day now.  Luckily, you can buy coins from a 1-800 number at the low cost of $29.90 an ounce. But they're not purely altruistic here--you can only buy 5 at a time.  Moderated generosity.

The following diseases and illnesses are now treatable with low (or severe) side effects: less boners, more boners, hot flashes, allergies, allergies while getting boners, peeing too much, too little, or peeing on things in a reckless manner, arthritis in your boner while peeing, and diabetes.  (apparently oatmeal is no longer good enough for that last one).  Oh, and there's hope for you post-menopausal women experiencing painful intercourse that lube doesn't fix; there's just one catch.  If you're post-menopausal AND pregnant, you're out of luck.  Except, of course, for the 50% discount on all Adam&Eve products that can--pardon my pun--fill the gap.

Since the commercials are now really the shows, that relegated television programs to, well, commercials.  I'm sure these are available on the Netflix, but some were new to me. Worst show? Celebrity wife-swap, where Dee Snyder and Flavor Flav (Flave? Hmm.) swapped wives for a week.  Or less than a week for Flave, as Mrs. S was fed up at Flave for getting high and buying french fries for the baby instead of skydiving with her (true story).

Best show?  Betty White.  She basically hosts a show where old people go on the street with hidden cameras and fuck with people.  Brilliant idea. Nobody ever expects the old geezers of anything, so they get away with some good shit.

But, even with all this entertainment, a day or so is about enough.  I had my fill at about 2AM on the first night and found myself flicking my laptop open to catch up on The Walking Dead.  No commercials there unfortunately, but at least they're done with the damn annoying Governor. And is Daryl going to hook up with the teenage blonde girl? I don't know if it's illegal, or what it says about me, but I'm cheering for it.  If it IS illegal, I'm sure it's just a treatable condition that Daryl has--and I know there's some new medication out there that will cure it right up.


  1. I don't miss the commercials, but because I'm too lazy to check up on the news, I usually end up finding out about the big news stories about 2 months after they happen.
    Also, I miss movie previews. I never know what movies are out in theaters. And, no, I can't just look them up online. Did you miss the part about me being lazy?

  2. Dude I miss your blogging, but were there any commercials for GOLD BONERS? The only thing that sucks is that everything you tough turns to gold. Soooo if you get around enough you'll be rich with all the golden mouths, vaginas, asses, but sadly your hands will also be golden... Prive to pay for The Elusive GOLD BONER!

    btw this your friendly neighborhood Goat ;)

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  4. Oooh, I've missed your material so much and reading this has made me realize what I will NOT miss- being raped over cable bundling charges. Nixing the wasteful spending in on my list for the week.

    Hope all is well and I'll look forward to your next (quarterly) post!

  5. Dude, Daryl is definitely either asexual or gay (both is possible). And yeah, I'm fully aware that this blog post is over 3 years old... I was TRYING to find the one about falling out of your loft shortly after my 18th birthday, but as with most things involving Caleb Shreves, failure.