I told a few people about this spider, but I didn't tell LJ because I still had hopes that I could one day convince her to venture into my basement and do some laundry. I know, I'm an optimist. She's already scared of... something in the basement so I figured that telling her about a silver-dollar sized spider wouldn't help my case.
|Literally- that's exactly what she said.|
Last night I was heading out my front door to haz a smig* and I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks. Let me try and re-create it for you.
|Damn I'm good.|
If you slowed time to a standstill, you could have identified four separate thoughts in my head.
1. That's strange.
2. Those look like insect legs.
3. More specifically, spider legs.
4. Wow- if those 2 legs are that big, then the spider must be
5. HOLY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY THAT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER EVER AND HE'S ALMOST IN MY HOUSE!!!
I collected myself for LJ's sake, took stock of the monster (holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, stay calm, holy shit), then assessed the situation. I had to show somebody this monster, but if LJ was terrified of spiders and saw this thing then she might just run off in her nightgown, get in her car, and never step foot in my house again. I decided to play it cool.
|I think my "cool" looks more like tango dancing. But what's the difference, really?|
Me: "Hey there, LJ. Question. If you were to rank, say, bugs and animals and stuff on a freak-you-out scale, where would you put things? Like, for instance-"
LJ: (slightly alarmed) "Did you see a snake? Was there a snake? Did you see a snake outside?"
Me: "No, no... but that's good. So you'd put snakes at the top of the list?"
LJ: "I don't like anything."
Me: "Okay... but snakes are ahead of say... spiders? Or bees?"
LJ: "There's a spider out there, isn't there."
Me: "Well there might... okay. Yeah. It's fucking huge. You have to come see it."
The die was cast. We remained remarkably calm as we put on shoes and then side-stepped quickly through the doorway to get outside and take a look at the monster. Oh, and while distracted, guess who decided to escape? Yup- Worms. Ungrateful cat.
It's hard to zoom in with an iPhone, but I tried to give a sense of perspective by using a lit cigarette. Check it out.
Okay, that wasn't working. For one, I was afraid of getting much closer to what I was sure was a wolf spider (they can jump). PS THEY FUCKING JUMP. So yeah, getting much closer wasn't an option. But look at this picture- he barely looks as big as the doorknob. In fact, he was bigger. I had to take another picture.
Here's whats crazy. I had to use my iPhone as a flashlight to see the thing. But when I took a picture, I had to turn off the light in order to use the camera. Leaving a brief period where I was IN THE DARK NEXT TO A MONSTER. But I did this, for you.
That's a little better.
It was battle time. The spider was endowed with fangs, venom, and agility, so I evened the score by scouring my house for the most dangerous chemicals I could find.
I passed up on Pledge (too lemon-y), decided against a carpet cleaner, and figured throwing dishwasher detergent cubes at it was going to be ineffective at best. Unless I could actually get it into the dishwasher, in which case it would obviously be the best weapon.
So I went for a concentrated cleaning agent (like, you're supposed to dilute it or something dumb) and a bottle of starting fluid. A fair match, I'd say.
As I sprayed it with Simply Green (turns out it was pet-safe and biodegradable- despite LJ's claims otherwise) it started jumping and running towards me, it's little fangs up in the air. I grudgingly gave ground and added a good dose of starting fluid to mix with the cleaner. It was trying to come at me, but was getting weighed down by all the shit I was spraying. Finally, we reached a standstill.
I backed up, slowly, not wanting to lose sight of it, and searched for something to smash it with. I found the discarded end of an old 10 pound dumbbell and held it several feet over Spiderzilla. Then I dropped it. Direct hit! I picked it up and dropped it over and over again, until the spider was naught but a pile of legs and goo (in a puddle of starting fluid and simply green cleaner). I wiped the sweat off my face and looked up to where I expected to see LJ, swooning over my bravery.
Instead, I found her updating Facebook. Seriously, Mark Zuckerberg- what have you done to us?
Caleb "1, spider: 0" Shreves
*"smig" is a new word for cigarette, coined by my brother Arby Tweet