Thursday, October 3, 2013

What Does Your Browser History Say About You?

Yup, not a clever title here.  Rather than give any updates, let's just take a look at shit I've been looking up recently and see what, if anything, can be gleaned about the inner workings of my mind. I'll pick out 5 random ones:

Firebombing of Dresden. 
Sluts. (Specifically, "what is a slut?")
Fantasy football.
Naked mole rat.
Charles Ramsey

So...yeah. Each of these has a perfectly normal explanation, but you know what? You don't need to know.  I think it would be better for your imagination to concoct a story that somehow connects these events rather than me explaining each one.  Or, we could just say that your browser history either shows nothing, or everything about you.  Take your pick.

And, by the way, what is a slut? What does that term mean to you? (Yes, these are the debates I get drawn into while at law school).  I gave up trying to define it on my own, and "real" dictionaries weren't cutting it, so I went to which was extremely helpful.

So helpful, in fact, that there were 56 pages of user-uploaded definitions--including hypothetical conversations where "slut" was used in a sentence.  I recommend wasting an hour of your life reading through them.

But my favorite definition? "A woman who doesn't get paid for sex."

Ha! Kids these days.

Anyway, out.


PS Oh you wanted something extra?  Well go look up Charles Ramsey's "Dead giveaway" remix on youtube.  And then read more about the guy, and look up some of his other interviews.  My kinda guy.

PPS Related to that PS, my neighbor Wildcat has a friend that comes over sometimes name'a Melvin.  He's even funnier than Ramsey, and I get to drink beer with him now and then.  Life can be awesome sometimes. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Oh, So You Want More Of My Post, Do You? F*CK SINKS.

Fine then. I'll post. Since I covered "innuendo" in the title, I'll cover "snarky" here and tell you that I'm posting because I want to and not cuz you told me to.

And since my theme has been to not-post, acknowledge my not-posting, makeup for not-posting with broad posts, then promise more posting, we'll go for something completely different.

You know what both confuses and angers me? Sinks.  You heard me.  I gripe about sinks all the time, but have never taken the time to officially raise awareness of this important issue until now.

What's wrong with sinks?  Let's start with what they are: a big bowl, with a faucet that pours water, and some mechanism to turn the water off/on and control temperature.  How could they f*ck that up you ask?

Simple. They put the faucet TEN MILES AWAY from where you stand, and it only extends a half inch out into the bowl. So you have to bend like a sorority girl and--without contorting your hands--try to get the trickle of scalding/freezing water to wash away your soap.

Here's a couple basic examples:

Standard, right?  WHY THE HELL IS THE FAUCET SO CLOSE TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE BOWL?  Even mildly generous sinks like this make it a frickin pain to get both your hands comfortably under the faucet.

Don't give me that "yeah but it works" bullshit, either. You, like me, have simply gotten used to twisting your hand back towards you in order to wash anywhere but the halves of your fingers that would otherwise be under the flow of water.  Horseshit. Show me a diagram where you explain how you can wash your *entire* hand under this thing without unknowingly quoting Charles Dickens with your ASL-like hand contortions. Can't be done.

"Oh," you say, "but some of them are different!"  Why yes, you.  Yes they are.  But are they any better?  NOPE.

"What about the ones where the faucet is up high?"

Oh, you mean THIS guy:

Three things.  First, these sinks almost invariably spew torrents of SCALDING WATER. Apparently height is directly correlated with temperature.

Second, it's STILL on the far side of where you're standing, so you have to uncomfortably reach across with your body.  This means that you will be pressing your midsection against the counter or, at best, slightly bent with your arms out like an idiot.

Third, and leading to the next point, YOU HAVE TO PUSH AGAINST THE COUNTER to reach these. That sucks in its own right, but with high faucets you have a much greater amount of splash water.  Which means that the counter closest to you is wet, and when you lean you get the "water line" of horizontal embarrassment across your pants.

You: "Shit! Do I have to explain that I didn't pee on myself in here or will everyone just understand that it's not possible to pee in the exact pattern of counter-water upon oneself?"  That question needn't be answered, but you'll be thinking about it and convinced that people are staring at your crotchal area.

"What about above-counter bowls?" you ask?

Oh you mean like THIS:

Adorable, but no.  Slightly less splash on the counter? Maybe. But you're generally not improving the "reach" problem, and plus your splashing is now free to hit the *other* side, often creating an entire "lake handwash" on the counter--especially in oft-used public places.

But more importantly here: what the f*ck? Are we on some kind of a timer here? Wash your hands before the bowl fills up!? Yes, it drains like a standard bowl, but there's a mental element here.  You're filling up a bowl of water that could tip, splash, spill over, etc.  Your rational brain knows it's the same bowl, but your Indiana Jones brain knows that you HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE THE BOWL FILLS UP!

Ain't nobody got time for dat. Plus, look at that soap bottle. Can it extend into the sink so that it doesn't drip onto the counter? (don't get me started on soap dispensers). Nope, you have to apply the soap and THEN safely elevate your hands to the bowl.

On top of that, how pretentious are these above-counter bowls anyway? Seriously.  Get over yourself. All that time and effort in redesigning the standard bowl and you're MAYBE 2% better.  But 75% more douchey, so is that a trade-off you really want to make?

Look, I understand that sink problems are, in the scheme of things, not that big of a deal.  But think of how often you use them; even a small annoyance goes up to major annoyance when you deal with it many times in a single day.

For instance, this guy.

Yup, this is in the law school bathroom.  Pretty much everything that can go wrong is present.  Huge counter that requires me reaching 8 miles across to the faucet? Check. Perpetually wet counter to always worry about leaning against? Check. Handles that dispense only scalding or freezing water?  Got that. Oh, and bonus? These don't gradually turn on.  Nope.  You carefully ease the handles towards you, millimeter by millimeter, until finally weapons-grade water pressure blasts you and everything in it's path.

Oh, and they're always out of paper towels.  And usually out of soap.

Quit fucking this shit up, people, and let's get a decent design going for a sink.  We're better than this.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Out Of Con-text

Sometimes when I'm bored (sorry, that implies times when I'm NOT bored) I like to reread old text conversations, stopping to read random texts without any context.  I do that because, well, they're hilarious a lot of the time.  I recommend you try this game as well-- it's a lot of fun.  So, for your enjoyment, here are some actual text messages from my phone.  See if you can guess what they were about!  Or see if you can pick out which ones I sent and which ones someone sent me.  If you read this and recognize one of your texts, well.... nicely done.

Oh, and I'd just post the actual pictures of the texts, but it would A) require more work and B) pictures can sometimes slow this blog down. 

Here is the first round of peeps.  


"Don't forget the antique pie safe to the left."

"No. Whore. I don't care if we're plural."

"Btw I would have been using cumboil on Eric."

"Maybe you can't tell but those are sea turtle lights in my bathroom."

"Words like 'bird autopsy' are being tossed around."

"Although I did like your Forrest Gump with the bubbles at the church."


"Anal on the first go is cool if it happens at a wedding, right?"

"come watch football, cards game, and we'll share stories about boners."

"fap time over"

"Hood rat, cholo.  Then whatever."

"I really wish there was a "fag" button on Facebook so I could press it once I saw what u were listening to on Spotify."

The Gypsy:

"asians eating french toast with chop sticks!"

"It sounds like it involves balls"

"Though these rapscallions named the lumineers played a fetching tune"

"I had to defend my dominance title again this Christmas"

"And mind texting=helping tech take over the world. Duh."


"If there's one thing I always say about you it's that you always do what's best for yourself. Er wait no...I never say that."

"hurry up, you tards of fuckery!"

"you, sir, are a whore whisperer... and I salute you."

"Every time I hear a goose I think of you."

"Send her on a  trip to the looney religious theme park where she can see lifelike recreations of when cavemen rode their brontosauruses into the ark so Jesus could make wine or whatever."


"Hunnn-E. Moose tard."

"Alternate ending: it was a dick in a box."

"Trying to use telekinesis to teach the dog to use the litter box."

"Wearing your shirt all retarded? Then you aren't drunk enough."

"On is extra wasted and doing tai chi to the gangland psy song."

"Are you bleaching your asshole?"

"Rimming bottles with my ass might not be a joke tonight."

"You can't just renig Rick Ross!"

So... I like this game.  Next time I'll pick a few more people and do the same! Kinda fun.
And for everyone who hassles me about not blogging more often: suck it.  IdowhatIwant.
Finally, here you go.  One picture.

Yup. Soak that in.

Caleb "Team Jacob" Shreves