As with any cliché vending machine problem, it started by hanging my snacks up on the coils without actually releasing them. And they HAVE to release, both because my arm is not long enough to reach all the way up to grab them and because everyone knows that snacks taste better when they fall. But that's just average douchery for a vending machine.
Also, I love blue Doritos. Do you think they stock them regularly? Nope. Like a great sexual metaphor, they just put it in once to let you enjoy it and then tease you by never putting it in again. Yeah, I *GUESS* I'll have fucking red Doritos, but I'm not going to be *HAPPY* about it! IWANTCOOLRANCH!! 5 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days now. No Blue Doritos.
|Where the *FUCK* are my blue Doritos!!!|
But check this out. If you put in 4 quarters (that's 1 dollar, Becky) and buy something that's .90 cents? You get the item and .10 cents change back. If you put in a $1 bill and try the same thing, it says "Please use correct change" Um, what? It's the same fucking thing! Are you anti-bills, you racist piece of shit machine? I hate you.
I figured out last week that it gets even weirder. If you put in that same $1 bill and one nickel, it will give you the item plus .15 cents change! So I guess "using the correct change" was a fucking lie, wasn't it? Wasn't it, Douche McSucks-at-vending?
And for you smart kids out there, no. It won't give you 4 quarters back if you try and get change for your $1 bill. It just spits it back out (and it's never nice to spit, kids).
This didn't get elevated to "I have to share how much I hate this machine" status until this past week. I saw some Grandma's brand fudge cookies, which are awesome because they're the only type of cookie Grandmas makes that don't use "Sawdust" as their #1 ingredient. When I ran down there to buy them though... some mark-ass trick had put some peanut butter ones in front!
Wait a minute... I can see another peanut butter one behind the front one, but what's behind that? Can't... quite... see... maybe I'll just buy the front one to get a look back farther. Surely the fudge ones are back there.
So I do. I use my $1+nickel scheme to buy the front one. No luck. The one behind it is another peanut butter. Curses! Foiled again!
But I look closer and I think I see the "C" of "Chocolate," which probably means it's my "chocolate fudge super chocolate chip fudgy awesome cookie." And I ain't goin' down like no punk bitch. I whipped out my wallet and started buying.
I finally get to what I think are the good cookies, only to see that they've been totally replaced. By chocolate chip. Which, in any normal setting, are my favorite cookies ever. But I think "Grandma" got senile and royally fucked up the recipe because HER chocolate chip cookies taste like Ashton Kutcher's career.
Defeated, I trudged up to my friend's desk to break the news that the vending machine had won again. There would be no fudge-awesome cookies today. Just this pile of shitty cookies, a stack of nickels (it only gives change in nickels, wtf?), and my shame. God. Damnit.
It was at this point that I thought I would expose and humiliate this damn machine for the dewsh it is. But, I needed proof so I brought my friend to watch as I put a $1 bill in and it demanded "correct change."
I think you know what happened. It decided to work. First time ever. EVER. I got the chips, the change, and instead of "Use the correct change" I got "Have a nice day."
Fuck. You. To. Hell.
|It's hard to capture the full sentence since it was scrolling, but you get the idea.|
Caleb "yeah I know I could just buy blue Doritos from the store, but I don't *want* to" Shreves