Sunday, March 20, 2011

Entry 135: Your *MOM* Can Use The Correct Change

I have some... history with the vending machine downstairs.  It's basically a fucking dewsh.  If it were a person it would be the love-child of Tucker Max and The Situation.  With Justin Bieber's hair and Kristen Stewart's face.

As with any cliché vending machine problem, it started by hanging my snacks up on the coils without actually releasing them.  And they HAVE to release, both because my arm is not long enough to reach all the way up to grab them and because everyone knows that snacks taste better when they fall.  But that's just average douchery for a vending machine.

Also, I love blue Doritos.  Do you think they stock them regularly?  Nope.  Like a great sexual metaphor, they just put it in once to let you enjoy it and then tease you by never putting it in again.  Yeah, I *GUESS* I'll have fucking red Doritos, but I'm not going to be *HAPPY* about it! IWANTCOOLRANCH!!  5 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days now.  No Blue Doritos.

Where the *FUCK* are my blue Doritos!!!

But check this out.  If you put in 4 quarters (that's 1 dollar, Becky) and buy something that's .90 cents?  You get the item and .10 cents change back.  If you put in a $1 bill and try the same thing, it says "Please use correct change"  Um, what?  It's the same fucking thing!  Are you anti-bills, you racist piece of shit machine? I hate you.

I figured out last week that it gets even weirder. If you put in that same $1 bill and one nickel, it will give you the item plus .15 cents change!  So I guess "using the correct change" was a fucking lie, wasn't it?  Wasn't it, Douche McSucks-at-vending?

And for you smart kids out there, no.  It won't give you 4 quarters back if you try and get change for your $1 bill.  It just spits it back out (and it's never nice to spit, kids). 

This didn't get elevated to "I have to share how much I hate this machine" status until this past week.  I saw some Grandma's brand fudge cookies, which are awesome because they're the only type of cookie Grandmas makes that don't use "Sawdust" as their #1 ingredient.  When I ran down there to buy them though... some mark-ass trick had put some peanut butter ones in front!

Wait a minute... I can see another peanut butter one behind the front one, but what's behind that?  Can't... quite... see... maybe I'll just buy the front one to get a look back farther.  Surely the fudge ones are back there.  

So I do.  I use my $1+nickel scheme to buy the front one.  No luck.  The one behind it is another peanut butter.  Curses!  Foiled again!

But I look closer and I think I see the "C" of "Chocolate," which probably means it's my "chocolate fudge super chocolate chip fudgy awesome cookie."  And I ain't goin' down like no punk bitch.  I whipped out my wallet and started buying.

I finally get to what I think are the good cookies, only to see that they've been totally replaced.  By chocolate chip.  Which, in any normal setting, are my favorite cookies ever.  But I think "Grandma" got senile and royally fucked up the recipe because HER chocolate chip cookies taste like Ashton Kutcher's career.

Defeated, I trudged up to my friend's desk to break the news that the vending machine had won again.  There would be no fudge-awesome cookies today.   Just this pile of shitty cookies, a stack of nickels (it only gives change in nickels, wtf?), and my shame.   God. Damnit.

It was at this point that I thought I would expose and humiliate this damn machine for the dewsh it is.  But, I needed proof so I brought my friend to watch as I put a $1 bill in and it demanded "correct change."

I think you know what happened.  It decided to work.  First time ever.  EVER.  I got the chips, the change, and instead of "Use the correct change" I got "Have a nice day."

Fuck.  You.  To.  Hell.

It's hard to capture the full sentence since it was scrolling, but you get the idea.

Caleb "yeah I know I could just buy blue Doritos from the store, but I don't *want* to" Shreves


  1. Okay, I'm a new follower because your blog is freaking hilarious! LOVE IT!

    Thanks for the visit!

  2. well yeah. you COULD just buy them from the store. but then you wouldn't have a pretty pile of nickels (you'd think it would run out of nickels to give back at some point, but apparently not)

  3. Ha! Been there, swore at that. Love your style - new follower.

    Visiting from FTLOB comment love

  4. Hahah! That sounds so traumatic! It totally played you... then showed off in front of your friend.Bad times!

    Just stopping by from FTLOB :-)

  5. Hopping over from FTLOB....and you have a new follower! I love your writing style. I totally feel your anguish! As a computer tech I have learned that every machine was built just to screw with mankind. Good luck with your Blue Doritos, and yes, they are the best!

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  7. Your vending machine and the vending machine that tortures me at my work must be related. I'm telling you machines are trying to take over the world. And they're just toying with our emotions until that fateful day.

    btw, I'm Katie; your newest stalker, er...follower. You've got style, and you stand out amongst the "other" blogs of the world. I found you on FTLOB. Oh, and I deleted my first comment because I'm anal, and I misused a word.

  8. Also annoying that the vending machine doesn't even have the courtesy to be on the same floor as you. An inconvenience to get a crappy sub-par snack that will eventually make me feel like crap is insult to injury. Unfortunately, when the vending machine is your best snacking option then they've got you by the short and curlies. My favorite is the chocolate chip anus cookies laughing their a$$ off at you. Good work.

  9. Hahahaha, this is awesome! I would imagine this machine would have the voice of "Hal" with the same level of vengeance :) Too funny, dude. Thanks for the morning laugh. Oh, and I give you totally permission to go unplug that bastard for a bit, you know, just to show it who is boss!

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  11. You know how to fix this. C'mon. You're great at sweet talking to get what you want.

    Talk to that machine. Tell it what you have to offer. Suggest a real nice 220 outlet could be in its future, or maybe some padded rollers under it to make movement and style go together.

    Make that machine believe you're not just trying to use it for your own selfish purposes. Tell that machine what it wants to hear and you'll see a complete 180 in its attitude towards you.

  12. Thanks... now I'm not sure whether to unplug the machine, sweet talk it, or destroy it before it kills all of us. Lots to think about.

    And thanks all you newb followers- that's nice to hear! Your stalking is welcome here. And I promise that if "Chocolate Chip + Anus" is your kind of humor, I won't disappoint.

    BTW, seeing a bag of cookies tell me "lolz" was maybe the first time I've ever laughed at my own blog. Which sounds very dirty.

    And Aubree- yes, a seemingly inexhaustible supply of nickels. Like my Grandmpa.

  13. You don't get that sweet taste of Blue Doritos victory from buying them at the store. That's for rookies!!!

  14. haha! omigod, caleb. you are so dependent on machines! that's terrible, you really should become more self sufficient.

    now if you'll excuse me, i need to use my computer to download music onto my ipod before i pack my vibrating razor and vibrating vibrator and then go watch tv in my car and talk on my cell phone while i drive to the airport to catch a plane.

    but yeah, you are way too dependent on technology. i'd look into that.

  15. LOL ... now that did make me laugh! :o)

  16. OMFG I think you have the exact same machine that we do!! That shit-eating piece of shit is ALWAYS broken. One time they had peanut M&M's. PEANUT M&M's! I bought them and stuffed them in my face as fast as two hands can and I never saw them in the machine again. WTF??? Fucking machines.

  17. Wait, you have a vending machine that doesn't take credit cards? I didn't know those still existed...

    Because who doesn't want to rack up debt by making a 90 cent purchase every day for the foreseeable future.

  18. I haven't seen a vending machine here. Weird.

  19. Vixen- F yeah, sister. Preach it. "A true Champion doesn't quit, and neither did you." -Roy Munson

    Kage- Good point. I'm actually dictating this comment to a couple of Swedish girls I've hired to help me be less dependent on technology. In return, I'm helping them be less dependent on certain... technology.

    Deborah- Thanks! I feel a bit like a caterpillar myself, only less slimy. Not a lot less, but some.

    Cake- I'm convinced there is some sort of hidden camera scheme where people are watching our reactions when they take away the good stuff. Wait... isn't that the sort of experiment they do on rats? Whoa. This is troubling.

    Kat- first part, no. This is the govt. Nothing newer than, say, 1976. In fact, I think some of the food *in* the vending machine is from 1976. As to your second part, what do you think morning coffee is?

    Mollie- are you telling me that your whole stinking island is vending machine free? A) I don't believe it. B) that makes you either hopelessly un-civilized or... perhaps brilliant. Not sure yet.

  20. I would do Grandma's chocolaty anus for a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

  21. never once have i heard somebody refer to doritos as "blue" or "red"...this little story did not cross the line was just plain ridiculous...have you ever heard of a place called THE GROCERY will have much better luck finding what you want there instead of wasting a bunch of time/$$$ trying to figure out a stupid vending machine..dont you know it is a huge scam..duh

  22. Shani- if there was a line, you crossed it. Luckily, no lines in this blog!

    Goth.... Lindsey? And if it is, are you calling yourself "gothbiotch" or are you pointing out the fact that I once called you "goth" and you got mad?

    Either way, cool beans.

    Also, I'd like to point to *this* line in my sign-off:

    "yeah I know I could just buy blue Doritos from the store, but I don't *want* to"

    So nyah.

  23. Have you tried stroking the machine and telling it you will still love it in the morning? Usually works for bitchy self-conscious women...why not a bitchy douche machine?

  24. This was the best blog post I've ready all day!! GREAT JOB!! Loved it!

  25. Esme- I'm not playing into its hands. And isn't "bitchy self-conscious women" redundant?

    TRM- Thanks! Though I do recommend you read more blogs then. Unless you're into MSPaint design, then this is definitely your one-stop shop.

  26. Caleb, you're becoming famous. This is some crazy shit. Not the blog post, because they're all pretty much crazy shit. But people actually wanting to hear what you have to say. And actual people, not just losers who laughed when you and Jenkins farted in the lounge in Russell. Well done.

  27. Tucker Max and The Situation? Sounds scary.

  28. Hi Caleb, just came from your question on BlueFrogs and am now your laugh slave. I do know some funny blogs & will post you the links. My blog is pretty good, or good, or maybe good if I say so myself. Sometimes maaaaaaaybe funny. But you have encouraged me to allow my irreverence and dark humor to blast they're way onto my blog.
    Are you doing your phd in "funny". You're a pisser.

  29. I know, right Jennie? I toyed with the idea of adding diversity by using Terrell Owens and Donald Trump, but ultimately went with my heart.

    Hi Paula! Laugh slave sounds super awesome. And feel free to send all the links you have- it seems like their are forums and communities for every type of blog except humor. Probably because we're all self-absorbed, narcissistic, lazy, nerdy loners who truly detest other human beings. Or, we're lazy. Juries still out.

    Neutron... Oh Derek. If you were just trying to make the "what the peeps say" section... well played. Well played, sir.

    And for the record, that was some hilarious farting.

  30. I like your tenacity. Never give up on the cookies or the blue Doritos Caleb. Never.

    And where are these mythical readers you keep talking about?

    If you get more grief, just tell them it's about quality not quantity. Plus, I don't even have super awesome drawings like you.

    P.S. luff you too.

  31. duh caleb..this is lindsey..who else would it be...i am well aware of the line you are referring to but i still wanted to make the point that it would be so much EASIER and less costly than the vending machine..and i most definitely am NOT calling myself goth..i chose my user name thinking it was clever i guess and maybe a little funny.

  32. Blues are way better then redz Doritos. Everyone knows that. How did I not see this post earlier?! I think you have discovered your hidden talent: drawing lolz on grandma's cookies ;)

  33. at least you GET change from your vending machine, even if it is only in nickels. i'm no longer on speaking terms with my vending machine, even though it tries to tempt me with cheap mr noodles and snickers bars.

  34. Caleb not at work today! *high five*March 28, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    HW- They're there. Oh, they're there. And I can totes make you a drawing sometime as a present!

    Goth- the name is great, and it fits because you're definitely goth. Or maybe emo. Or maybe combine the two... gemo?

    LB@T- fur shure they are! Blue doritos or bust! Grandma's cookies can suck it. Try some on your next date with Matt and you two can share a good laugh on me. You're welcome.

    Manders. Mr. Noodles? Really? That's all your machine offers you? Effing lame. And I think not getting your change is reason enough to smash the machine in with the ax for fire emergencies.

  35. love this post. not to say I don't love all your posts, but this one had me toss my head back and laugh out loud! Good work! :) We don't have vending machines in the Canadian government...I haven't decided if its a good thing or bad thing yet...time will tell i guess.

  36. Became your 100th follower!

    You have enough interesting posts to keep me going through the boring bits of my life.

    About vending machines, I hate them. They are overpriced, make your coke go super fizzy because it gets shaken tons, and some don't even refrigerate the drinks. Hope you get enough courage to smash the vending machine, because if you do, it will provide a funny story for me to read about.

  37. Thanks Cyfo! Don't believe the hype- vending machines dispense nothing but false hope and misery. For 90 cents.

    TREE!!! Holy crap. I don't even know what to do about this. Since I only have about 2 posts that are mildly interesting, I'm going to assume you are an international man of mystery, /skydiver/marksman/spy. That, or you are literally "the most interesting man on Earth" who has very few boring bits that need distraction. Why did that sound dirty?

    I would only smash the machine if I had a camera. Pics or it didn't happen, right? *that's* how babies are made, baby!

    PS so yeah, you should get a prize or something. You can haz... whatever? Pick a post topic? Random secret fact? Send you an autographed pic of me punching children in the mail? Your call! But pick something otherwise your "gift" will be an official blog-comment-bombing from yours truly. And that, my friend, is the gift that keeps on giving.

  38. Okay so I've overheard some Caleb hype from Mollie and I was all 'who is this Caleb person?' because I'm quite certain I must commence stalking him at once if Mollie likes him so much...and now I'm peeing my pants reading your posts and kinda mad I didn't discover you first!!
    I heart your blog and your drawings. Hard.
    PS: I'm gonna feature your blog experiment on my blog tonight as soon as I can get my damn kids to stay in bed!!!!!

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  40. The little rat bastards wouldn't stay in bed so you're featured today!

  41. I like you way to provide the information about vending machine.It is really very impressive.