Monday, March 28, 2011

Entry 136: "S" For Espanol!

This is a story about my friend, Sanders.  Here's what you need to know about her for the purpose of this story:

1. She's very smart, and very bitchy.  In a good way.
2. She has very, very low tolerance for stupidity or slowness.
3. She's short.

Okay, I don't know about #3, but the other two are definitely relevant.

Sanders, now happily married, was recently divorced when I met her.  She said it was amicable, but I knew there were things she wasn't telling me.  It was odd, for instance, how the ex still did all her outside chores and work.  I think she paid him in M&Ms and Star Trek action figures, but still.  Seemed like slave labor.

Over time I chipped away and found things out that helped explain the situation.  They dated in high school, there was a military wedding benefit sort of thing, she was young, they were friends, blah blah blah.  Still, I knew something was missing.  Some key element to the story that would make the whole "friendly ex, slave labor, still boss him around at will" thing make sense. Finally, one day I got it out of her.

Caleb: "So really though.  You say he's not that sharp, he's like a little brother that you just boss around at will, yet he goes along with all this.  You can't stand dumb people as a general rule, yet you married this guy.  What's the deal?"

Sanders: "Well... okay.  There is more to the story.  He wasn't just a *little* slow."

Sanders: "Okay, you have to understand... I didn't know."

Sanders: "He was- only technically- sort of, ... in the special ed class in high school."

Sanders: "No let me explain!  I didn't know! Sort of... well, I kinda knew, but I kinda didn't!  

Sanders: "Stop!  No, I knew he was in a program, but but I thought it for being dyslexic!"

Sanders: "Caleb?"

Sanders: "..."

Sanders: "Shut up! No, you don't know.  No- he- shut up!"

Caleb: "So wait... you knew he was in a 'program' but then he said it was because he used to be dyslexic?"

Sanders: ::pause:: "Well, no.  When I knew he was in a 'program' I snuck into the office and found a list of students, some of which had an "S" by their name- his included.  He's Mexican, so I thought it meant Espanol.  You know, Spanish?"


Caleb: "S... for..."

Caleb: "S... you thought... was for... Espanol?"

 Sanders: "No, I know it sounds dumb, I knew he was in a class, I just thought it was the dyslexic thing and that maybe he's Mexican so- I didn't know what the S was- I didn't know -Caleb stop laughing!- I

didn't know that it was for Special Ed. Program -Caleb SHUT UP!- and plus it's not like he was full-blown Rtard or anything he was just -

SHUT UP I HATE YOU!- he was just a little slow!  He's totally normal, just like, you know, a twinge below the line!"

Caleb: "You mean the... Rtard line?"

Sanders: "I hate you!  I knew I never should have told you!"

Caleb: "So let me get this straight.  You thought he was a little slow.  Then you find out he's in a 'program'. You ask him, and he says it's for dyslexia.  You break into his records, see an 'S' by his name, and figure it means Espanol."

Sanders: "Well, pretty much, but-"

Sanders: "Ohmygod I hate you."
Caleb (eventually): "So when did you find out that he was short-bus special for realz? After you married him, right?"
Sanders: "Well no, before, but-"

Sanders: "Okay, yeah, I guess it's funny.  But you have to understand, by that time it was just convenient.  He was gone in the Reserves, he did all the chores, and we were pretty much just friends married for the benefits."

Caleb: "So what kind of dumb are we talking about?  Give me an example."

Sanders: "For instance, if you gave him like $20 to go to the store for something simple, he'd be back like 5 hours later.  You'd say "where's the fucking milk I asked you to get" and he'd be like, "Well, I forgot that, but I got this comic book and some M&Ms."

Caleb "if you don't hear any more from me, it's probably because Sanders read this and killed me" Shreves

PS this post is dedicated to Sanders, her new Cub fan husband, and their soon-to-be-arriving child.  Congratulations!  


  1. Hahahaha, this is awesome. I would never let me friend live this down. At least she is funny and honest about it. Again, great drawings :)

  2. My favourite part of this post is that the stick figure drawing of you and the picture of you on the far right are almost identical ;D

    J/k...give a boy $20 for milk and show up5 hours later with a comic book and M&M's? Sounds like a normal boy to me ;)

  3. this is definitely crossing the line...not funny in any way shape or form caleb..this kind of (inappropriate and disrespectful) humor makes me want to choke the people that come up with it...try something that is actually funny instead of things that are completely not this story for example..NOT FUNNY!!

  4. And my favourite part of this post is "It finishes the shovelling!" Did I have to continue reading after this? Yes. Yes I did, but only to justify the depth of your exhibited depravity.

  5. TGN- Thanks! No, I never let my friends live down stories like this. One of the benefits (or costs, depending on your view) of being friends with me!

    LB@T- I know- it's like we're all ADD anyway. I'd probably do the same thing, but with video games and beer instead. And I modeled my drawing on that pic, so thanks for noticing. Turns out someone with no talent and MSPaint can really do some magical things.

    Goth- Sorrs. I'll make the next one way over on the other side of the line, so maybe they'll balance out. Plus, it was a bit of exaggerating, and the subject of the teasing is Sanders much more than the ex. And, my drawing of Donald Trumpet is pretty spot-on at least, right?

    Mollie- What's with these unauthorized "U"s from you UKers? Did I say you could spell it "Favourite?" Nope. Thanks for reading- glad you didn't miss the artistic brilliance that came after that picture.

  6. I'll just ask the question? What is it like for you and your friend to be superior to everyone around you? Sounds neat, can I play?

  7. The drawings definitely make your posts better now, though they were already good anyway.

  8. wow. everyone knows s means espanol. it's an honest mistake.

  9. So many things to say....I like it,keep it short and sweet. Always a laugh,thanks Caleb.-Ames

  10. Awww, another special! People been telling me I'm special my whole life!

  11. Yo, I just want to say that it is going to be really nice to lose FTLOB blog of the month to such a humble and kind writer. Wait, this isn't "Chasing Davies"....crap. Haha, really, we don't stand a chance with you in the running. But congrats on the nom anyways!

  12. You have a sense of humour like this --> >:) which I also have and share with only certain people who understand it because as soon as you have to explain, it's just not funny anymore!

    Love it!
    Added you to my rss feed :)

  13. Thanks!

    Good one, TGN. Luckily most of the people who would read my pointless drivel are barely internet-functional, let alone possess the capacity to click "links" and "vote." What's that? You're a reader? I, uh, what I meant to say was...

    Gene- when I figure out what the emoticon signifies I'm going to compose a fitting response. Thanks though! And yes, I don't like explaining, though sometimes I tell a story so crappily that I have to point out what my actual point was. I think this current post qualifies, but I liked the drawings anyway. I *nailed* Trump. The drawing, I mean.

  14. This.was.good. Your friend really does have every right to kill you, you know? I should comment spam you right now.

  15. For the third time, I'm trying to add my two cents. You're a mess - I would have thought you'd assign an alias name to the Mistress and Servant story. Please let us know IF and when your buddy speaks to you again. =)

    Funny thing is I know someone who claims they didn't know their SO was a little uh... special. He'd complained that she was a horrible wife, bad with finances and decisions (yep, paying cable over electricity probably not the best) and clueless in everything else.

    Says she'd told him she went to an off-site school in some bungalows but it never really clicked.

    Come on son - unless you're about to give birth at 15 or got caught pushing 9mm's during recess, why else would you be in that type of school?


    BTW, cuuuuute pic and yes, you look like a dork!

  16. OMG this is absolutely hilarious! HAHAHAHA.