Friday, June 11, 2010

Entry 36: Caleb Gets His Fingers Licked And Shits Fire

So what has Caleb been up to, you might ask?  Allow me to fill you in.

1.  The local tap has some new hot sauce for their wings.  Believe it or not, it's made with Bhut peppers (apt name).  If you can eat 6 in 15 minutes you get them for free and $25.  So yeah, I did it.  What's funny about it? Two things.  First, when I was done I offered to let others try the sauce by licking my fingers.  Three guys did (at the same time, too. Gay?), two went outside and puked.  Secondly, the old adage that spicy food is hotter on the way out is TRUE.  Imagine an un-extinguishable candle being lit and shoved betwixt your butt cheeks.  Yeah, not good. It was bad enough that when I even THOUGHT of pooping again later in the day my eyes watered up.

2.  I've been searching out funny and interesting blogs out there and then commenting on them.  Great success!  I've even got a girl to take a picture of a "Douchebag" flask just for me.  Now if I can just get her to send it to me.

Here are some example Caleb-comments on other people's blogs:

-To "Fishy", who dates tons of chicks and went on a particular date with a doctor who didn't return his texts. The funny text I refer to is, after she didn't say anything for a week, he texts "got any advice for athlete's foot?"

       I've been keeping up with your site for awhile now. Good stuff! Overall, pretty good game. However, your text-game needs a little work. First(ly), never respond that quickly- it makes you seem overly eager and a bit desperate. You have tons of fun things going on in your life that distract you from texting a girl you barely know. Second(ly), the texts "Shall I take that as a no?" and "I take it no second date?" are NOT allowed. I don't think I need to explain why.
       That minor criticism aside, your final text was spot-on. I think if you would have kept your first texts as irreverent   and funny as the last, you could have been eating more fishcakes.

-To my friend Krust, who got a new, fairly simple, tattoo but took 4 paragraphs explaining its many layers of meaning.

        I have a "C" on my back.  My name is Caleb.  Get it?  I'm a hardass.  Symbolize THAT.

-While looking for inappropriate web material.

       "The head of my broom is 2 inches thick, and the bristles are 7 inches long."
        made the June selection of the "That's what she said" competition. Check it out on                     Also, goldfish are NOT delicious.

- To some random lady's family blog

       I'm just a "stumbler" onto this blog, but well done. I don't think it's demeaning at all for a woman to take pride in a clean home- especially a kitchen. While I may make chauvinistic comments about women cleaning/cooking etc, I DO think it is a serious job and should be treated that way.
       That being said, do you have any sisters?

- Commenting on a chick who has a dating blog and made up categories of guys.  FYI 9= The Commitment Phobe, 10= The Grass is Greener, 14= The Alcoholic, and 16= The Prick

       I've considered your list. I believe I'm equal parts 9,10,14,
and 16. Can we add a few categories?
       17. THE MEATHEAD. This guy where's shirts too tight, will punch his love into your face, and nearly always has on a  backwards baseball cap. He is the guy in the gym who wears the short shorts to show off his massive thighs. Avoid.
       18. THE MEGADOUCHE- Douche being the vague term that it is, this guy has many variations. Generally he's not very fun, usually possessive, hates kittens, and is almost virtually guaranteed to cheat on you (not that the other ones won't either). Favorite shot: Jagerbombs. Oh, and popped collars are pretty common
       19. THE DREAMGUY- This guy appears perfect. To YOU. He's not so perfect that you're suspicious, he's not too into you or too not into you. He's funny and seems ultra laid back. He seems to have some underlying real feelings that you can get to if you just dig a little and get to know him (usually some family issue that makes him look like more of a hero).  He's good looking, funny, and good in bed. Wait- what's the problem you say? He will eventually move on and make you feel less about yourself. How he does this may vary, but inevitably he will be the one who can call you for a booty call whenever he wants and you will feel powerless to resist his call.
Met any of these guys?
And shouldn't there be some categories that seem more... you know, flattering for guys? No? Okay, fair enough.

3.  There is a picture of me in circulation now where I appear to be kissing another dude with some sort of sauce all over my face (Cledus). If you look closely our tongues are definitely not touching, and the sauce is mustard.  End of story.

4.  Shameless flirting.  I mean lots!  And not only with good looking chicks- with anybody, anytime, anyplace.  I'm pretty sure I have the bank girls at HyVee wrapped around my fingers.  If I could magically cross-pollinate the face of the one with the body of the other we'd have ourselves a date.  Does making out with both at the same time count?

You stay classy, readers.

PS I left two big innuendos in this post.  Bonus points if you can find them!


  1. Hey Caleb, thanks for the read but I think you missed the concept & 1st paragraph of my post. I didn't create these categories, I got them from the book I'm blogging my way through. Those were just my cliffnotes as to what "Dr. D says." (Which is written in the first paragraph. If you wanna know what book I'm talking about, check:

  2. No, I didn't. I read all of it, and many more of your posts as well. I get what you're doing, why you're doing it, and have enjoyed reading about your ups and downs.

    Your doctor isn't wrong per se, but my point is that there isn't a set number of man-categories. We could put out a poll and probably come up with hundreds- I mean, why generalize and stereotype idiotic man behavior? I'm sure most women would agree that the variety of ways that guys can be douche-y are as numerous as they are creative.

    Like I posted to your site, we could probably boil most man-traits down to a few categories and figure out that "Dr. D's" groupings are just variations of a few base traits. Think of it like primary colors; there may only be three essential colors (due to human trichromatic vision) but you can combine them to make -literally- infinite numbers of other colors.

    That being said, you did NOT find the innuendos and therefore are awarded no bonus points.

  3. "I've even got a girl to take a picture of a "Douchebag" flask just for me"

    You're not pronouncing it correctly. I'm at work right now and will pass it on to my girls, take a few pics, then off to you. I need your adress though, to send it ...and for possible stocker-ish behavior

  4. You mean "stalker-ish", right? Because I'm good on stockbrockers but have a few slots open for stalkers.

    How am I pronouncing it wrong? Maybe you're just not attributing the difference to regional dialect.

    Will send you my address- don't want to post it in case any crazy ladies out there want to murder me for pointing out their lack of a sense of humor. They're out there!

    PS You did not find the innuendos either. No bonus points!


  5. Stalker, yes that's what I meant. I blame the fact that I was raised in Quebec. I can't help make these dumb mistakes because of the French gene inside me.

    Ah! Sorry Ladies! I tried to make it public!

    No sorry. I stoped paying attention after reading about me.


  6. Oh Sunshine, I'm sure there are plenty of douche-y categories, but the list is of the most "deadly dating patterns." Things men do to kill a relationship, not just douche-iness on day to day stuff. Her examples are much more in depth & include all that you mentioned, I just didn't put them in my post. Similarly, the post before that is where women go wrong in relationships. Surprised you've kept quiet about that ;)

  7. Well, mostly it was because after I read it I realized that pretty much women go wrong in relationships because of one and only one factor: they're chicks.

    btw, your comment seems much more friendly. It doesn't match your post of:

    "Whoa, douchebag commenter just wrote "lighten up pussycat," in his laetest comment. He's in the wrong & told me 2 "lighten up." Prick"

    Which is it? Reasonable and fun or crusty and sensitive? Or did you get laid? That always mellows me out.

  8. will if the wings are hot for you and im keeping in mind that you handle hot food very well, would you recommend that I even try them just fyi blazen at bdubs were mighty rough for me. how much hotter are they than that

  9. Blazin'= 7.5
    Frog wings= 8

    Save your butthole some pain and avoid them! Or, man up and give it a shot.

    Hard agg.

  10. Sending it tomorrow. Dirt and all. Kinda lazy, don't feel like washing it. Please report when received.

  11. "One & only factor: they're chicks." & "Or did you get laid?" What next, gonna assume I'm on my period? Wow, you just pull out all stereotypes, don't you? Look Pumpkin, I don't do condescending ass, but you seem to like wearing the color. So again...prick. Exactly what kind of women do you meet? Think you need to break out of your bubble. Maybe upgrade.
    And sensitive has never been a word used to describe me.

  12. To Ziazitella,
    Instead of a book about dating, you may consider reading up on self-realization. "I don't do condescending ass..." really, Darling? Wait, do you prefer Pumpkin or Sunshine as your non-condescending pet name? For an individual whom has never been described as sensitive, you certainly seem a bit sore about Caleb's comments. Let me see if I kind find some words that might better aid you in your self-description; persnickety, embittered, rancorous, ill-natured, etc. Any of these words hitting home for you? Do you honestly think you are striking below the belt by calling Caleb a prick? Guess you've haven't read his blog in full either.
    Speaking as a woman, please don't attempt to speak for women. You'll have people thinking we all wear Birkenstocks and read books on how to categorize men in twelve easy steps. Oh, since you mentioned bubbles, I was wondering... who popped yours?

  13. Zia: I wasn't going to say anything, but... yeah. I kinda did assume that. So I figure that maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday you'll be calmed down a bit.

    What kind of women do I date? Mostly shallow, good-looking women with self esteems as low as their cleavages. Then I say a few nice things to make them feel better about themselves, shag them rotten, and then see how much assholery I can get away with before they snap (which, btw, is a lot). Thank goodness they haven't read your Doc's book- then I'd probably be out of luck. Luckily most of the chicks I date can't read, so, I think we'll be okay.

    Recently I've been trying to snare some cougars and/or MILFS. Sadly, I haven't had much luck with that. I think it's because they prefer to be the predator rather than the prey. Like a lion getting hand fed at the zoo- it's just not their style. Next time I'm just going to try and look innocent and dangle sparkly things and cat toys under my chair.

    I had to look up persnickety, but it seems pretty appropriate. At least until Tuesday, right!

    Oh, and Fox- you almost snuck your comment past my innuendo filter:

    "Sending it tomorrow. Dirt and all. Kinda lazy, don't feel like washing it. Please report when received."

    Nice try!

  14. @ Kimberly, didn't mean to get your panties in a bunch. The "condescending ass" was in ref to him & Pumpkin/Sunshine was the play on words. Which I figured you would've caught on to since you apparently have quite a hefty vocabulary. But they all kinda missed the mark. I prefer sardonic myself.
    No, I don't think I'm hitting below the belt w/ the "prick" comment b/c he ref himself as one. Caleb seems like a big boy & I'm not dishing out anything he can't handle.
    And, no - I NEVER speak for all women. And BTW, would never be caught dead in Birkenstocks. Who wears those things?

    @ Caleb Funny that you think I need to calm down. I'm good. But the girl you have defending your honor might need to.

  15. Zia, all women have 5 days a month in which they need to "Calm Down." This is God's way of making the other 25 days of crazy girl behavior seem almost normal by comparison.

    PS here's a link to buy some birkenstocks

    If you buy it from my site I think Google gives me a nickel, so yeah- that'd be great.

  16. Hmm, contemplating the red pleather. Looks like it has some pizazz.

    As for the calm down bit, I'm extremely laidback if you ever met me. That being said... thanks for playing. When you self-diagnosed yourself as a "prick" on my blog you opened the door for me to test the theory, "bad publicity is good publicity," and it worked. To put it in words you like hearing, basically we had a virtual fling/shag-fest over the past few days. And I used you. Do you feel dirty or pleased? ;) My hits went up, as I'm sure yours did too, so thank you and your welcome.
    Come on, you know you love me just a little bit more now, don't you?

  17. It's "No such thing as bad publicity." And I suppose you're right- bringing your flock of angry lesbians to the Gospel of Caleb can only be good, right?

    And I mean that with all due respect.

    A 60 year old 'Nam vet once gave me the best dating advice I've ever heard after I tried to explain to him that women had feelings and shit. He said: "No Caleb. No. You just get them drunk, take them home, and fuck them."

    Yes he is technically getting divorced right now, but I think the principle stands.

    If you wear red pleather Birkenstocks, I want pics.

  18. Just reread this.

    Caleb 10
    Zia 0

    Game over!

    PS I'd probably touch your jubblies.