Thursday, August 12, 2010

Entry 74: Walter The Mean-Spirited Koala

Nature Lovers,

Today I am going to introduce you to a colleague, Walter the mean-spirited Koala.  He's been begging to write something and-

Give it to me now!  Is this keyboard on?  Yeah.  There the words are.  Hi!  Hello everyone! 

Sorry about that.  I wasn't DONE with the introduction yet, so anyway.  This is Walter and he's

Fucking awesome!  Your keyboard days are over.  Move along.  I will be typing the rest of this blog.  Maybe I can make it not so gay for you?  Because I read several of your posts and man, I've got to tell you, you suck at life and writing.  Don't you all agree?  His writing is like trying to poop out a lampshade.  Maybe you should go back to work as a gas station attendant.

You know Walter, you said you were going to be nicer than usual today. 

I also lie like a motherfucker!  And you're too stupid to know better.  I could tell you to lay in front of my car and that I wouldn't run you over, and you would do it.  But you know I would hit the gas.  Then I'd probably go buy beers and celebrate your death. 

Wow, you are extra mean-spirited today. 

No, this is about normal for me.  If I was extra mean today, I would not have pulled out so early from your mother.

Hey!  Leave mom out of this or I'll rip your koala nails off.

You couldn't fuck with me.  I know karate.  I'm from Asia, remember?  Anyway, I had something serious to write about today and your constant whining has made me forget.  You should just be quiet from now on.  And by now on I mean forever, because what you say is always retarded.   I thought we were going to make a video?  Are you too cheap to buy a video camera?  How will people know what I look like?  They can't even hear my accent. 

Well, we can make a video.  We'll have to go get a camera and a microphone setup.  Maybe youtube it.

Maybe nevertube it because you are a lazy piece of shit.  And cheap.  You make clothes out of used ketchup packets to save money.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to type with Koala fingers?  Get me one of those dragon things.

You mean dragon speak?  Like cripples and retarded kids use?

Oh, very funny.  The clever joke man tried to insult me.  That reminds me of a joke I heard today.  I queer guy goes into the gay bar and- oh wait, you were there, I don't have to tell you.

Good one.

No great one, jagbag.


That's you.  A bag full of jags.  It's basically dickhead, retard, and cocksucker all rolled into one.  Fits you great. 

You know what, this is stupid.  I should never have agreed to this. 

Well you did and you have to post it now.  I bet your readers will all say 'give us more Walter!  He's way more entertaining than that pussy shit Caleb posts."  Then I will change the name of this blog to "Walter tells it like it is."

Yeah, that'll go over well.  Sorry about Walter everyone, I'll try not to let him post anything anymore.  He's

Fucking awesome!

Shut up Walter!  You're just a dick of a koala. 

Another good one.  You're on a roll now.


Well, anyway, I'll catch you all later.  And if you have a video camera or microphone, let me know because Walter won't shut up about making some sort of recording.  He claims he's going to lay down 'tracks'- whatever that means.


Is he gone?  Ha!  Sucker.  He always falls for the sleeping koala trick.  Koalas don't actually sleep, everyone knows this.  Did you see in the news this week about that guy who flipped shit and left the airplane?  He took beer with him, too, which is awesome.  I hope it was good beer though and not that Pabst Ribbon shit.  I drank that once and shit all over the place.  They should call is laxative juice because that's pretty much what it is.  Maybe I should put some in Caleb's coffee in the morning.  That would be hilarious.  Anyway, I got to go now.  There are some girls who are supposed to be coming over, but you never know with them.  They're not too hot anyway, so I say probably no big loss if they don't show.  Be nice to play with boobies though.  I always like that.  Maybe I'll go play some of the rap music- girls always seem to like that shit.  I don't get it though.  I thought gangsters were Italian not black guys.  Maybe they never seen scarface.  If anyone writes something, write 'Caleb is a giant dickweed' or something.  That would be hilarious too.  Okay, bye for now. 


  1. I can't stop trying to picture what koala fingers look like...this is my day...I'll report back when I can clearly describe my vision.

  2. Please stop dressing Cledus up as exotic animals. You know one of our redneck friends is gonna shoot and mount him.

  3. Caleb is a giant dickweed.

  4. Give us more Walter! He's way more entertaining than that pussy shit Caleb posts.

  5. I have a feeling I know the inspiration for Walter's personality....

  6. "Maybe nevertube it"!

    So, so awesome.

    Also, is it a new, fancy kind of irony that causes the koala says he's from asia?

  7. Yes, yes, give us more Walter! He's way more entertaining than that pussy shit Caleb posts.

    Serious about that first part. Also, your blog is freakishly addictive - I've read everything until this (except for a few that I skimmed over) and I have eight more tabs open with a new page of "Older Posts". It's hard to not comment on every other post!

    From About Caleb:"If you're reading this, you should probably be working" - hell yeah! I'm totally failing my exam tomorrow. (Okay, not *failing", but well...)

    Happy Easter egg eating!

  8., is... is that a koala in your picture???

    *fiendish giggle*

  9. Yes :D Uploaded the picture shortly before reading this post. I love coincidence!

    I drew him! Sorry, I'm just very proud of my koala (in case you hadn't already noticed)
    Maybe I'll name him Walter? :D