Monday, August 2, 2010

Entry 66: The Suspense Is Killing Me!


If you've been paying attention, you've already gleaned the fact that I don't like wasps, wind, or zombies.  Allow me to add one to the list:


I hate suspense. 

Ever seen a Jack-in-the-box?  (no, not the restaurant)  The windup toy that you turn the crank (yes, 'crank' is on the word list) on while it plays some ridiculous song ("pop goes the weasel") until, at some random time, a clown head jumps out of the top of the box with a loud popping sound.

I hate that thing.

You turn it and you can hear  the grinding gears inside, just waiting to spring out a clown-head of death, with "ba dop ba dop ba-doppity dop, ba dop ba dop ba dee-dop..." coming out of some Satan-spawn music machine, thinking "Just fucking come out already!  Do it! DO IT!" But it never does until you let your guard down.  How does it know? 

It's possessed.

So I don't play that game, and I don't like any game like it, and don't want to be in the same room with some blubbering idiot child with a look of foolish delight on their face (wtf? Delight?) until their clown friend comes out- just to say "hi kids!"  Ha ha!  What fun!  Not.

What else constitutes suspense as I'm defining it?

Popping balloons.  I hate people popping balloons even more than a jack-in-the-box.  That "squeeky-squeeky" sound as air is mashed from one side to the other while some hooligan prankster is trying to smash it.  Even poking them with pins isn't as bad as someone deliberately crushing them until they pop.
Don't like it!

There's also a weird (read: sick) game that people play at parties sometimes.  It's a base with a flashing light and 4 metal joysticks that people hold onto.  When the light stops flashing, you have to press the button on the joystick and the last person to do so gets an electric shock.  Good luck getting ME to play that game.

[in college one night my roommates were playing that game (I was safely locked in my room) and they had the great idea of hooking it up to their sacks.  Darwin anyone?]

And finally, I have a great new video for you to watch.  It's 'suspense' as I'm defining the term, but it's also equal parts terrifying and cute.  Check it out:

Ninja Cat


  1. My cat does that too.

    I also hate the suspense you're talking about. The balloons.. ugh freaks me out just thinking about it.

  2. I have long thought that the Jack-In-The-Box was designed by a child-hating sadist in an attempt to one up balloon-popping.

  3. Always loved the Ninja Cat video.

    Yeah, not a fan of suspense either. A lot of mine comes from a hatred of loud noises.

    I know some peeps (relatives) who I would like to have try the battery thing. That would help the greater good.

  4. I still jump everytime I watch that cat video... especially the last one where the face is right there!

    I know it's coming, but still. Suspense.

    And let's start a no-balloon-popping and no-jack-in-the-box club.

    Oh, and no loud noises.