Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Entry 72: Caleb's Funeral


I wanted to address something today that I've drunkenly spouted off about before, but never really hammered down any specifics on.

Theoretically, and not to be morbid, but what if I die?  Somali pirates, Zombies, Wasps; there are many dangers out there that a young buck like myself could face and potentially die from.

So first off, don't be all creeped out or anything.  I'm not planning on dying, and I don't see any foreseeable reason I might (other than the fact that I might go skydiving in a couple of weeks.  That could go wrong I guess.) in the near future.

But I do want to address the "what if," because there is no way I'm having a regular old lame funeral where everyone goes to the sad house and listens to soft classical music while weeping over a picture of me sitting on a casket.  No way.  Lame, awkward, and counter-productive.  None of which would honor the spirit of my life.

Instead, I want a joyous celebration of fun and gaiety.  Yes, gaiety.  I'm still working on some specifics, but there are a few must-haves that I can already tell you about.  So if I'm offed in the near future, please use this (seriously) as a reference for the type of shenanigans I want to happen.

First, no funeral homes.  They're fine if you like Quaker-somberness and lots of tissues, but not for me.  Instead, I want mine somewhere fun.  Not necessarily a bowling alley or a skatepark, but maybe at a cool bar or outside in the country somewhere.

Second, I definitely want alcohol- lots of it, and free.  Use the expenses saved by  foregoing the funeral home to provide keg beer (Bud Light, Coors Light, PBR, Guinness, Stella, and Sapporo at the least) to all guests.  Also, liquor should be served by a professional bartender.

It's fine if people want to say things, but I want the funny and interesting stories told.  Tell of our adventures, stories, and good times had.  Make fun of me if  you want, roast-style.  Which would be ironic because I want roasted; by cremation. 

This is a definite: I want my ashes collected into thimble-sized containers and offered to anyone who comes to the funeral.  With these ashes, I would like whoever takes them to plant me with a new tree.  Somewhere cool please.  Ideally I would like to see Caleb-trees all over the world!

This reminds me of a funny story Cledus tells: he says he wants all the ladies to take his ashes and put them in their douches, then "run me through one last time."  My kind of guy!

Beyond this the possibilities are endless. I think live music would be appropriate- maybe a salsa band- as well as someone playing some recordings of me (anthem, trumpet, etc.).  If it's feasible, maybe find a stand-up comic that I admire or a musician I really like.  I would love to have Nick Swardson come to my funeral and do a 30 minute stand-up routine.

I know that, if I died, there would be some sadness.  That's fine.  But I want the focus to be on the good stuff while I was here!  Read some of my blogs, show some embarrassing photos of me from Facebook, and auction my stuff off if you want.

I'm serious.  I don't want the usual funeral experience.  Since I'll be dead I really won't care, but if anyone disobeys this I promise I will come back and make noises in the night and rattle your cupboards as I haunt you.

Oh, and if I turn into a zombie, make sure you sever my head and shoot me twice through my zombie heart.  Don't take pity on me if I attack you, because I will be a remorseless zombie that needs put down.  That much is for sure.

Okay, that's all I got for now.  If you have any additional suggestions for a kick-ass fun funeral, let me know!

Caleb "I'm probably not going to die soon anyway" Shreves


  1. hahahahaha

    I've made a similar request on my blog last year.
    There is nothing morbid about making sure your last wishes are soundly and financially taken care of!

    I love the stand up comic and bowling alley!!

    Happy Haunting

  2. Love it. Our generation needs to put the fun in funeral.

  3. I thought a bit more about this last night.

    I also want some basic circus animals for the kids. Horsie rides, goats, sheep, etc. And a blow-up jumping thing (what do they call those?) for the kids.

    Actually, I want the entire focus on kids. Think small carnival. I want kids going to school saying "Dude I had so much fun at Caleb's funeral!!!"

    And the teacher's like "wtf?"

    Oh, and skydivers. They land during the main ceremony part and sing the national anthem in 6 part harmony.

    Face-painting, dunk tanks, but no clowns. Maybe a few rides from a local fair. Frog-hopping contests.

    You getting the drift? I'm up for some improv.

    Oh, and later, after the kids go home, burlesque dancers.

  4. Might I suggest an entry sign. Life size photograph of you sitting on a casket, captioned, "Because my toilet was on the roof."

    I also think, while you're planning ahead, that an audio recording of you welcoming us to your funeral as we enter would be utterly sublime.

    Can't wait to play in the bouncy house. Er, I can wait. Don't die yet. I like your writing too much.