Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 32: Plenty of Fish out there. Retarded Fish.

You all are getting a preemptive YOU'RE WELCOME for this post! Today, I'm going to give you some good-ass-shit (GAS). A friend has given me some messages sent to her from guys (read: douchebags) on online dating sites. I've giddily sifted through this hilarious window into why-nuking-the-planet-may-not-be-such-a-bad-idea and have identified for you certain types of online dating guys to watch out for.

*I know this is my longest yet, but please bear with me until I'm finished!
**Yes, that's what she said.

Douchebag type #1: The Persistent One-Liner

Meet: Alex
*note the dates on these messages

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/17/2010 623 PM
hey lets go out baby!!!!

(Okay, a little weird, let's just ignore it and it'll go away. Like polio.)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/19/2010 822 PM
lets chat.

(Um, remember that time I didn't answer your first message?)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/20/2010 1229 PM
text me 712203****;););)

(You know, I was hoping we could skip any other form of communication and go right to texting. You rogue.)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/24/2010 905 PM
lets have fun you and me.

Description: Really? Alex is a very typical Persistent One-Liner. Note
the lack of any sort of creativity or uniqueness in his messages; this is
deliberate so that he can shoot his douchebag load of perpetually unsuccessful pick-up lines out to as many chicks as possible without actually having to know anything about them or even read their profile. I'm pretty sure he's getting these directly off the small candy valentines hearts his mother gave him. "Be mine!" "Tru love" "Txt Me." This type of shotgun-message approach has historically not been effective virtually ever, yet the optimism and can-do attitude of these guys gives them a blessedly merciful sense of denial and naivete.

Danger Level: 4

Your Response: Do not, in any way/shape/fashion/form/method/style/version respond to these guys. They have 100 girls just like you that they are hassling, and when one of them does -literally- anything to acknowledge their existence, they will flock to you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm.

Our next contestant is: The Guy Who So Knows What The Ladies Like (TGWSKWTLL)
((Wait: that's not a handy acronym at all...)
Meet Franklin:

From: GoodBadExam_ple
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/18/2010 3:05:31 PM
awww your so beautifull! hi im 25...from fairfield, and have a 4 year old son named **** who ive raised by myself since he was 3 months very responisible and have 2 jobs i work 30 hours a week with both so im friends say im funny.. never a dull moment around me, im a sweet guy who has a soft heart from having a son..if your looking for a**** mancho stud im not the one but if you are looking for someone to be friends with who is caring
and kind who always has time to talk or listen then im the one:) i believe being a has nothing to do with strength or stamina.. a man is someone who cares about family and friends and god and works his tail offf...stand up for whats right:)) im not on often but if you think you would like to get to know each other text me sometime at 641-*******! would love to hear from you!!

From: GoodBadExam_ple (View Profile)
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/10/2010 331 PM
awww arent you just cute!! im franklin...25...from ottumwa area and im looking for friends at first then long term if we connect,friends say theres never a dull moment when im around and that im always sweet and think of others feelings..i have a 4 year old son named **** whom ive had custody of since he was 3 months old. if you could use a good friend or just a laugh even text me sometime!!641-*******

Description: Well, we've taken it up one notch here. Franklin here at least is typing out (poorly written) sentences about SOMETHING. Franklin also apparently has the ability to Google, because he typed in "what ladies like" and crafted the following list:

Sensitive, sweet, father, thinks of others, not a pervert, responsible.

Franklin has created an American-style melting pot of these traits in a single message, yet there is no attempt at style or subtlety. Kind of like if you took your 8 favorite foods and just put them in a bowl together: sounds good, but ice cream, spaghetti, and Subway sandwiches probably don't belong in the same bite. Franklin is a guy who wants to be friends first- so don't try and rush him. And if you like those macho jerk guys, then keep looking because he's all about sweetness and listening to you on the phone. He is ready to go shoe shopping, make some cookies,and just curl up while you talk about your day. Don't even worry about anything serious with Franklin here- he just wants to acknowledge your feelings and be a good friend.


And, if you were paying attention, you'll notice that Franklin sent a followup message to the same person that appears nearly identical to the first message. I guess it gets confusing when you're sending these out to any and every girl whose profile picture gives the impression that they're breathing, but seriously; try a bit. He even uses the same "awww" to start out his message. Notice that few of his details are off in the second message; either that or he moved in the 8 days between messages. With the way this guy approaches ladies, it's actually possible that he does move every week or two.

Danger level: 5

Your Response: These guys are perverts with a thin sheet of regular-guy on top of them, and like someone covering up cat poop with a pieces of toilet paper; this can't stand. You need to remove their covering, expose them for the poop they are, and get out the broom. The easiest way to do this is to tell them that you are actually sort of a bad girl and don't really like the sensitive guys. This will cause them to trip over themselves to tell you about how bad they really are and that they just didn't want to scare you away. Once you have them in that mode, switch and accuse them of being insensitive. They'll go right back. Then, accuse them of being too sensitive. Rinse, wash, repeat. Eventually they will snap and show their true colors. Then you can report them and send the final email to me for hilarity review.

Next: The Irrelevant and Possibly Retarded Guy
Meet Mark:

From: mark4ya
Subject: Hi Beautiful smile!!! Sent Date: 5/12/2010 1101 PM
I dont drink unless someone like to drink with me and I drink upto tipsy land at the most.
You are beautiful.

Description: I love lamp! I have a doggie. Want to eat ice cream? I like pie. Yeah... about that. What exactly do you do with a guy who puts together a phrase like "I drink upto tipsy land at the most?" I think he knew that his sentence had bombed and made up for it with a quick little compliment. Nice recovery, but the damage was done. How would dinner with this guy go?

You: Hi- thanks for meeting me here!
Mark, wearing helmet: Inside to eat we go but not eat a lot unless someone eat with me a lot upto fulltown.
You: ::puff of smoke and gone::


Danger Level: 2

Your response: Ignoring will work here, but if you have any sense of self-respect you will lead this guy on just to get some more of his prime emails, then share them with your friends and family. Don't worry about inflicting any sort of lasting harm here; he's not going to remember anything or in any way process information, so you can pretty much get away with mental and emotional murder.

Next: The Tough Guy
Meet:vlsvahid (let's call him "Vlad", cuz he's a hard ass.)

From: vlsvahid
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/16/2010 205 PM
if you want give mee your number..maybe icall you

Description: Definitely a thick Russian-gangster accent here. "Maybe I call you pussy-face. Maybe you eat dinner with me, become prostitute, and geeve good pleasure to my friends. Then maybe I beat you; we see." Wherever this guy is, its cold and he's wearing a thick fur hat.

Danger level: 1 or 7 (depending on whether or not he actually IS a Russian Gangster)

Your response: Look, pussyface, don't give this guy anything, and if you get a message like this go straightaway to your profile and make sure there isn't enough information for him to track you down and sell you into a prostitution ring. Those things suck. Like a knitting circle, only different.

Next Guy: Guy Who May Be In Coma And Possibly Needs Immediate Medical Help
Meet Tim:

From: tim_in_cedarrapids
Subject: Your Subject Line here Sent Date: 5/4/2010 10:06:31 PM
Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm

Description: Wait a minute... I know those moaning sounds... ZOMBIES!!! RUN!! A Zombie found your profile and is going to find you and eat your brains!! Oh... okay, not a zombie? In a coma? Well, it sounds like he's coming out of it. Alert the Cedar Rapids hospitals to a man named Tim who just used his last conscious moments to surf online dating sites and send a message for help to a random girl!

Danger Level: 1 or 47 (omg Zombies!)

Your Response: Either run and hide in an underground bunker or call the hospital and report a possible sleeping pill overdose.

And finally, my favorite, The Aspiring Author and Motivational Speaker
Meet: Dan

From: danman0138
Subject: s Sent Date: 5/22/2010 1235 AM
i think you maybe asking just alittle to much out of any one. lol not poking fun at you dont get me rong. i tend to do the same. most people do. im probly not your type but that never stoped anyone before. i dont drink i dont litter if i can help it if a peace of paper fly's out the window i probly wont stop the car and pick it up. i do however keep my yard as clean as posible. i like to talk if theres something to talk about and if not i still try reall hard to listen to whoever may be talking to me. i going out to coffie shops and concerts and thing of the like but i like a few i guess you could say redneck events like races but i dont go often at all. were do i work, just about everywere the job market not so good so i work were i can right now im roofing laying concreate and transporting cars. i dont mind it becuse i want to get to were i can do any job asked of me and i wish to open my own company in the next ten years. i learn when i can and what i can.i just moved to pleasant hill not to long ago so i dont know alot of people up here, and becuse of that and i dont really have alot of time to, dont do much. i like to wright poems ive tried my hand at acouple books i probly wont be the next egger alin poe but i like what ive done. i dont really talk this much most of the time becuse well becuse theres not alot of people i wish to waised my breath on. i like humor not alot of people get my brand but eh! who cares what thay think. i do smoke but want to quit im trying to quit i will quit i just alittle modivation but i dont smoke inside that i wont do. im not perfict no one is eather are you beleave it or not. every budy has to compromize some time or another. it may not be with me that wont bother me one bit. just sayin dont die alone. the truth is hard to swallow sometimes. not tryn to burst your bubble just keeping it real.

Description: Holy. Shit. First off, in one message this guy has given you at least 10 motivational phrases to show you how wise and laid-back he is:
1. Keep it real
2. Don't die alone
3. Everybody has to compromise
4. No one is perfect
5. Who cares what others think
6. Learn what you can, when you can
7. Dream big
8. Don't litter
9. Try people outside your 'type'
10. Don't ask too much from someone

Wow. He's like a Jewish-Buddha-Prophet who has his own talk show. He's just so...wise. Like a failed-out-of-first-grade-English Yoda. I'm seriously rooting for this guy. Look how humble he is! He's just working hard, trying things out, doesn't know a lot of people, he's ready to compromise, he can tease you a bit- this guy knows what the ladies like.

Apparently he didn't get the full list of things girls like:

1. Coherent thoughts
2. ANY understanding of the English language
3. People who don't spell waste "waised"
4. People who DO stop the car and pick up paper if it 'fly's' out the window

Sorry Dan; you're out.

And on top of all that? He's an aspiring author. In case you MISSED THIS let me REPEAT the sentence that Dan ACTUALLY TYPED:

"i like to wright poems ive tried my hand at acouple books i probly wont be the next egger alin poe but i like what ive done."

O.M.F.G!! This has to be the best quote I've read in a very long time. I can't WAIT for this guy to put his poems in you. For you egger alin poe fans out there who are upset that your favorite poet is dead, get ready! The second coming is here.

So there's a start for you. I am pretty sure that I have a bunch more of these so it's possible that you may see a part two.

You just can't make this shit up!

PS If anyone knows Dan, please give me his number because I need an editor for my blog.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Day 31: My Second (okay, third) Job. And Another Reason I Torture Women

Have you ever been to the movies? Me too. Ever wonder how that delicious popcorn gets from the magical Elysian fields of Cornia to the cheap Chinese-plastic bag in your lap? I don't- cuz I worked there! I was "Popcorn Man!"
No popcorn-crisis was too big for me to handle, and my deft touch at the
fountain soda machine earned me high praise from both management and
customers who knew that "goosing" the button on the machine always
resulted in a more syrupy soda mix. (works on chicks, too.)

I got the job from a friend of mine who, while very strange, was also
very hilarious. (kind of like American Idol in Bulgaria). Here is a rough transcript of a conversation we once
had while leaving the movie The Matrix (which, since he worked there at
the time, we got in to see for free).

Me: "Wow... that was crazy! Neat concept."
Friend: "Yeah, really." ::shakes head:: "Nuts..." ::pause:: "Uh... so,
what exactly is the Matrix again?"

[Possible lost-reference disclaimer: the preceding statement is funny because there was no attempt in the movie to hide what the Matrix was. No mystery, no confusion, just "here's what the Matrix is." Done. If you watched the movie and still didn't get it you were either A: Not that sharp, B: High, or C: A girl.]

In fairness, he was normally a pretty bright guy (well, book smart anyway.) I think it was more
a matter of him being distracted by the incredible actor stylings of
Keanu Reeves. Anyway.

So eventually I got bored fitting my movie-watching schedule around my
friend's working-at-the-theater schedule and asked him to get me a job
there, too. Though I was lazy and unqualified, I was at least charming
(read: punctual) and fit into the movie worker culture. Pretty good
peeps there, so don't bust their chops when you next go to the
concession stand. Well, unless they're not goosing your soda enough.

I even volunteered to be one of the few who had to stay late and clean
up after the late movies got out. You might wonder what cultural
demographic goes to see movies regularly at 10:30 at night. Let me tell
you: Hooters girls. This probably explains things to those of you who
were confused by the phrase "I volunteered."

After their shift of pleasing grimy old men who were "just there for the
wings" and pretending not to notice as their boobs were ogled like a
black kid at a Korn concert, they would come over to the theater to
unwind. Usually they would have 15-20 minutes before their movie
started and would subject themselves to the charming arts that were my
conversations. I usually thought I did pretty good, and often did
plenty of push-ups beforehand to build confidence, but invariably
something like the following would happen:

Me: (charming conversation)
Large-Chested Wing-Flinger #1: "Oh, Caleb. You're our favorite!"
Me: "I know, right?"
LCWF #2: "We should definitely go out or go see a movie together
Me: "That might be cool. Think you could handle me?"
(Girls look at each other in mock disappointment)
LCWF #1 "Oh wait... we couldn't."
Me: "Why?"
Booby Girls, in harmony: "Cuz you smell like popcorn!!" (high fiving,
laughing, and "Good one, Shelly!"'s all around as they went off to see
their movie, looking back occasionally to laugh at me again)


I think my ADD kicked in after a few months and I quit working at that
theater, but I've always held on to a special respect for the
rank-and-file concession workers of this world, and a deeply-imbedded
resentment of women that builds to this very day. If there is a moral to this story, I don't know it.


PS What- you didn't think I was done, did you?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 30: Loaded Word List, Final Thoughts, and A Message From Our Principal

Day 30... wow.

Today I'm going to give you the Loaded Word List (LWL) in
its current form, as well as some general rules of thumb on how to avoid
creating unintentionally sexual sentences. This list is by no means
complete, but consider it a good starting point and probably more than
you can handle right now (yes, handle is on the list).

For the sake of brevity I have omitted numerous variations of words
(i.e. "deep" is listed, but not deeper, deeply, deepest, etc.).
Remember in many cases a single, properly used, word from this list is
safely usable in a sentence. If you are using one of these words in
your sentence, however, be VERY careful about what else is in your
sentence. And, unless you have been pre-certified as an innuendo
master, do NOT put any two of these words together in a single sentence.

Another rule of thumb relates to undefined objects in a sentence. For instance, if
you use "it" as the object of your sentence (perhaps previously defining
"it" in an earlier sentence) then know that "it" is already in danger of
being sexual. Hence, do not use "it" and any word from the LWL in a
sentence. I will select a few words at random from the list to
illustrate my point:

"It was brief." (see- three words and we're already talking about
premature ejaculation)
"Look how deep it is!"
"Remember when it exploded?"
"It's really slippery!"

You might after reading this feel that unnecessary restraint
and self-censorship is necessary to speak in an innuendo-free manner.
However, watch how easily these same sentences can be corrected with a
bit of literal description:

"The meeting was brief."
"The water is really deep!"
"Remember when those bombs exploded?"
"The roads are slippery today!"

Now due to time constraints I haven't separated this word list into
different danger classification levels. Let me assure you however that
they do exist. I refer to certain words as "Class A" danger words that
should be avoided in almost all situations (try using 'cock' in a safe
sentence). For now it will be up to you to determine the word danger
level, but I can tell you a few easy ones to get you going: swallow,
cock, teabag, and backdoor. If you have a sentence that must have one of
these words, please call a licensed professional to assist you.

I hope that, as new words come into your life, you will share them with
the world so that we can see this list grow evermore comprehensive. And
please, by all means, feel free to share stories of the ridiculous
things that people say on a daily basis.

Well, this is the last day for this blog experiment. I've had a lot of
fun writing this blog and have really appreciated the positive comments
some of you have said to me. I will tell you that I don't feel like my
writing days are done, but I do want to take time to reread these 30
posts and see if I can still look myself in the mirror. I'm sure I'll
have some crazy ideas and new directions to try, but in the meantime;
you stay classy. I'll close this thing out with a great quote (loosely
paraphrased) from the movie Billy Madison:

"This blog is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen.
At no point in its rambling, incoherent posts was there anything even
close to what could be considered a rational thought. Everyone here is
now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have
mercy on your soul."


Access, Backdoor, Backlog, Bag
Ball,Bandit, Bareback, Beat
Beaver, Bend over, Betwixt, Blow (blew, blown, etc.)
Bone, Box, Breast, Brief, Bun
Bush, Cannelloni, Carpet, Cherry, Choke
Chomp, Chubby, Clam, Cock, Cram
Cream, Crotch, Damp, Deep, Devour
Dirty, Discharge, Diving, Done
Double Team, Double-bag, Drip, Drizzle
Ease, Easy, Eat, Erect, Exit, Explode
Face, Faster, Finish, Fist, Fits
Footlong, Force, Furry, Fuzzy, Gag, Gang
Goo, Grunt, Hairy, Handle, Hard
Hole, Hood, Hoover, Hot, Hot Dog
Hum (hummer), Insert, Inside, Jabbing, Job
Jug, Lick, Lips, Load, Long, Loose
Meat, Milky, Moan, Moist, Mouth, Muff
Munch, Nibble, Nozzle, Nuggets, Number Two
One-eyed, Ooze, Package, Peter, Pierce
Pop, Pork, Pre, Prod, Pudding, Pulsate
Pump, Purple-Headed, Putter, Ram
Ready, Rear, Regurgitate, Rim Job, Rod
Rough, Sack, Salad, Salami, Satisfy
Sausage, Seat, Seepage, Shaft, Shoot
Shot, Slam, Slide, Slinger, Slippery
Slurp, Smack, Snatch, Spillage, Spit
Splatter, Spray, Spurt, Squirt, Stick it in
Stomach, Stretch, Stride, Stuff, Suck
Surprise, Swallow, Taco, Tap, Teabag, Throat
Throb, Thrust, Tight, Tongue, Toss, Tripod
Tuna, Unit, Valve, Vanilla, Weiner
Wet Spot, Whack, Willy, Yogurt

Friday, May 14, 2010

Day 29: The Penultimate Post

Today we're going to put the 'ultimate' in 'penultimate', so grab your
Marlboros and hang on!

Okay, fair enough, I have no idea what that means either.

I'm going to have a final post tomorrow where I lay out the Loaded Word
List and accompanying rules of speaking-in-non-perverted-ways. I must
say that I've been very impressed with the amount of help I've been
getting with this task. As I type this, someone just texted me a new
word (discharge) to add to the list. I have a feeling that, even after
it's completed, this list will be a living document that gets added to
regularly. Like the Constitution, only more practical. Oh- and I'm accepting phrases or marketing slogans as well now
(think Subway's $5 Footlongs. Jared really dropped the ball on that

I have a new movie for you all to watch; it was so good I stole
it from Netflix. It's called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell." Check
it out. Here's a few lines from it to whet your whistle (I've seen
people spell that 'wet' a million times; don't let it be you)

Tucker: "Are you ready? Didn't you hear me on the phone; we're going
out to get beers."

Drew: "Tucker, when you call I just wait for you to stop talking about
yourself, get bored, and hang up."

Drew: "Oh, I'm onto your game, De Nils. Diamonds are worthless other
than the value attached to them by the silly tramps you have brain
washed into thinking that diamonds equal love. Guess what, sluts? Your
quest for the perfect princess cut supports terrorism and genocide.
Congratulations, your avarice has managed to destroy an entire

There's also midget strippers and sex with a deaf girl. Speaking of stealing from Netflix, have I told you
about that? Yeah, it's great; if you really like a movie just keep it
and report it as missing. They give you a list of reasons to choose
from (never arrived, scratched disc, etc.) and just send you the next movie in your queue. I
don't think they really care that much since they probably just get a
license for a movie and make as many copies as they want. We're paying
them $15 a month anyway, so do they really miss a
couple movies here and there? It's win-win, baby! Works with Gamefly,
too. I rule.

PS Don't tell Netflix

Recently I've received a lot of great feedback from you peeps out there,
and for that I thank you- sincerely. I've also realized that people I
know, people that I'm related to, and possibly even younger people out
there might be reading this, so maybe I should tone some aspects down a
bit. You know, soften the edges.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 28: Perverted or Innocent? You Decide!

Here is a conversation that I had recently where I kept a straight face
(somehow) the entire time. Can you guess what the subject matter is?

Person ("Ginger") "No, Caleb, you have to stay the whole time it's in.
If it spills all over because you neglected it, then you're

Caleb: "Why? Shouldn't it be working properly? I just put it in and
walk away and it should know when it's done. If it spills after that
then it's the responsibility of the owner."

Ginger: "Not if you don't put it in all the way!"

Caleb: "How am I supposed to know if it's in all the way; I just put it
in like I do every other time. I don't even think it will work if it's
not in all the way."

Ginger: "There's a little thing on the outside; if you don't put it in
past that then you can pump it in there but it won't shut off

Caleb: "Dude, I don't even know how to put just the tip of it in. The
nozzle is like 6 inches and basically falls in all the way regardless of
what I do. I just put it in, walk away till its full, and expect it to
stop on its own."

Ginger: "Well then you have to pay when it sprays everywhere and you're
not close enough to stop it."

Caleb: "Bullshit. What if you were just standing there with it in and
expecting it to stop, but it didn't because it was malfunctioning and
all the sudden you're dripping wet and stink; you have to pay for that?"

Ginger: "Yes- that's why you should watch it closely."

Caleb: "Are you kidding? I don't have the attention span for that. I
get so bored sometimes that I don't even wait till its full before I
stop. I just quit wherever I'm at and leave."

Ginger: "Oh my God. You are SO ridiculous. Don't cry to me when
there's a puddle in the parking lot and you have a massive bill on your
hands. Cripes."

Did you guess it yet?? This is a pretty close paraphrasing of the
conversation. I, somehow, stayed serious and didn't crack once. Sadly
I don't think that "Ginger" had any clue as to how perverted the
conversation was. This, my friends, is why we need a full and complete
list. These non-perverts need our help! Speaking of, here are a few
new words for the day:


Thanks again to everyone who has read this Blog and didn't de-friend me
on Facebook! Rock on.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 27: Cinderella Has Had Enough of His Shit

Silent Crowd,

If I asked you if it is okay to be in a relationship that you don't see
going very long term, knowing that you would like something better but
still enjoying what you had, would you say that is okay or not?
Probably not, right? (I know some of you evil women out there would say
"sure." Duly noted) But are any of us really ever in a position where
we are NOT open to something better?

Notice in the previous sentence that I said "open" rather than
"looking." If you are in a relationship that is, in your own mind, a
solid '8' on the scale; do you stay there knowing that there could
potentially be a '10' one day? If you do, are you being dishonest?

Okay, what if you were upfront and told whoever you were with how you
honestly felt and didn't lead on otherwise? Could a reasonably healthy
relationship grow under those conditions?

What if this idea of a '10' is a cultural phenomenon propagated by
movies, media, books, TV, etc, and we are helpless to fight it? We are
doomed to always consider any relationship, no matter how good, as
somehow inferior to an ideal relationship we build up in our mind. How
many romance movies and Disney stories portray completely unrealistic
and ridiculous relationship situations? I always want to see the sequel
to these Disney movies where Cinderella is marching around the castle
picking up socks and underwear from off the furniture, muttering to
herself "well this is the LAST fucking time I pick His Majesty's shit
up. That motherfucker can see what its like to do his OWN goddamn
laundry." Right? Maybe Snow White gets a divorce lawyer, a huge
settlement, and spends the rest of her afternoons showing off her new
fake cannons, drunk on white wine, at the local country club while she
has no clue where her kids are and hits on the 16 year old bus boys. I
mean, let's add a little real life to this fantasy crap.

Anyway, just wanted to throw this out there. I, sometimes cynically,
contend that all (or very near all) of us know that we are open and
possibly hoping for something better from our relationships, but just
lie to ourselves to different degrees. Or not.

If you read this and don't post any disagreement, then I'll know that
you completely agree with me. You heard me.

Only three more posts left! Thank you to everyone who has been checking in and reading my Shenay-nays, and especially to those who have offered their comments, criticism, and praise for all of this hard (yet enjoyable) work. If just one person out there does one less dumb thing in their life because of this, it was worth it.

Peace out Girl Scouts!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 26: Zombies, Pirates, and The Word List

Ladies, Gentlemen, and those who read this blog,

First off: Pirates. Today Russian Marines re-captured a vessel from
Pirates and took the Pirates into custody. They were going to take them
to Moscow for a trial, but then realized that they didn't really have
much evidence for a Russian trial. Instead, they put them all in a
small inflatable raft and set them adrift at sea. Russian authorities
admit that they Pirates are, quote, "probably dead." This is obviously
a cold war gambit as the Russians had to do something to one-up the
Americans, since we sniped a whole boatful of Pirates from a helicopter
last year. Our move.

Second: Zombies. Apparently one of our satellites has gone Zombie (they
call it a "Zombiesat" now) and is ignoring our commands yet still
somehow acting on its own to infect other satellites. If this affects
daytime television programming, believe me there will be millions of
overweight housewives setting down their KFC buckets to lodge
complaints. Stay tuned.

I've been very impressed with the input of fellow perverts out there,
but there is much work to do. You blog-readers, on the other hand, have
your work cut out for you. Get to it! (This means you, Beth) If you don't know about the project, read Day 25.

Here's the list as of today:

Bend over
Blow (blew, blown, etc.)
Deep (deeply, deeper)
Double Team
Hot Dog
Hum (hummer)
Rim Job
Stick it in
Toss (tossing, tossed)
Wet Spot

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day 25: The Innuendo List

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Despite my sarcastic nature I have always endeavored to contribute to society's betterment through diligent application of my mental faculties. While normally constrained to small tasks due to my excessive laziness and tendency to fall prey to ADD attacks, every so often I really push forward and dream big. That time has come again.

Too often in our daily lives we are confronted with innocent people who say not-innocent phrases only because they didn't know any better and there are only so many of we innuendo-blackbelts in existence to train them (read: ridicule them). For years, the naïve masses have clamored for some direction and clarification in the shady world of "that's what she said" and now it's time to band together and come to their aid.

Here are a few phrases I want you to look over. Can you tell which one of the four was meant in the perverted way in which it sounds?

"I need immediate access to VLIPS"
"There's no way that's gonna fit in there; you'll scrape the sides of it right off!"
"Your cream is getting everywhere; you need to just finish that off."
"I just can't believe how big it is... we're going to have to call some friends!"

What'd you guess? Doesn't matter; you're wrong. All of these phrases were uttered in complete innocence. How can this be? Do people not know that VLIPS is a hilariously inappropriate name for a computer program? That if you have "it" as the object of your sentence then you need to be careful with what you describe "it" as doing? That "cream" is a class-A danger word and should only be used by experienced innuendo masters? That any size adjective ('big') automatically adds phallic-presumption to the object of the sentence? Nope; the great masses of people (whose humor somehow progressed beyond the junior high level) remain woefully uneducated on how to speak without perverted innuendo. That's what I'm here to fix.

I'm compiling an innuendo survival guide and I need your help. I need words for the danger word list, ideas on what makes a sentence perverted, and particularly loaded (if your ears went up at the word "loaded" then you're just the man for this job) phrases that you encounter throughout your day. This task is too big for just one man (snickering? we need you!) so I'm depending on your help in putting this together. So please, for the sake of the innocent masses out there, send me anything that is "that's what she said" related this week (and beyond) so that we can finally provide a resource for world to use.

Here's a starter list of words to get your perverted mind running: (like it needed help, right?) For fun, take any 2 or 3 words and try and make a sentence that ISN'T perverted. Good luck!

Stick it in
Hot Dog


Grandmaster Shreves

Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 24: In My Defense and Movie Review Corner

This is some bullshit. I commonly receive the criticism "Caleb you're
too picky with girls." F that, yo. It just seems that way to the
uninformed (read:girls) because I have an ability to notice things
others don't. So when I point out every single flaw and detail of a
girl and then make fun of her in my fake-girl voice (yes, it's the same
voice for all girls and yes, it's because you all sound the same to me)
then it seems like I'm being picky. Not true! I'm an equal opportunity
employer who is willing to throw down in a shag-athon with lots of
babes! So back off.

Let me boil it down for those not yet convinced. I'll just take a girl
who is hot, smart, and funny. I might even be willing to bend on those
last two.

Oh, oh! Caleb's "Movie Review Corner":

Nightmare on Elm Street (the new one)

Here's a recap for you who (smartly) don't want to pay 9 bucks in a
theater for this one. Young people (poorly acted) who you know nothing
about or care nothing about fall asleep and are murdered by a burned
dude with steak-knife hands for seemingly no reason. Oblivious,
possibly retarded parents seem to have a secret of sorts. Hot girl is
murdered early, you get pissed. Crybaby characters (the chick was
almost as annoying as the chick from Twilight) ((PS remind me to do an
entire blog one day about how I HATE Kristen Stewart's face.) are left
with you till the end. Turns out, Freddy molested them as kids (uh,
creepy.) and the parents burnt him. Yeah, I don't get it either. The
acting is ridiculous and I think Sam Elliot did the voice for Freddy.
Not sure what to think about that.

Anyway, get smashed and see it on Netflix.

Behave yourselves, kids.

PS Smoking Friday!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day 23: Name of the Year

Mes Chers Amis,

Today we's gonna keep it simple. Do you ever hear or see names that are
just utterly ridiculous and you wish you could share them with the world
for a good laugh? For instance, I work with a guy named "Dick Burns."
Hilarious, right? We just wish that there was some way, some site or
something, that would compile a list of the world's greatest names and
lay them out for us. If only... wait... yes... the internet! As more
proof that all of the world's problems are solved by google, I've
discovered a site for you that collects the BEST names of all time and
pits them against each other in an NCAA-style bracket for people to vote
on each year. Check this shit out:

If you are too lazy (and I know some of you are) to click even one more
link, I will provide you with a few past winners and some of my
favorites. Remember, all of these names have been verified as true and
accurate (to the best of the Harvard nerd squad that runs the sites
abilities). Here are my favorite 5:

1. Doby Crotchtangle
2. Nimrod Weiselfish
3. Tanqueray Beavers
4. Princess Nocandy
5. Vanilla Dong (wait- I think that's #1)

Go check that shit out for yourself; there are some good ones out there!
And if you happen to be a Hawkeye fan, the recently-drafted Hawkeye
linebacker Pat Angerer has made the list and is in a first round duel
against Pencilman Jeffries so get out and vote! Go Hawks!

PS Hawkeyes have been ranked #5 in the new SI poll. Very nice.

PSS on my 'top 5' list, there are only three words that have not been underlined in red as not in the dictionary. Nimrod is a word? I thought I made that one up.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 22: Contradictions

I will train for a half marathon AND smoke cigarettes.
I will eat organic food AND chicken wings.
I will join the Tea Party AND vote for Obama.
I will stay out late drinking on weeknights AND get up
early to read the news.
I will proclaim all women to be crazy AND date them.
I will dress preppy AND shop at Goodwill.
I will go to a chiropractor AND drive 4 hours for the trip.
I will join a gym AND a book club.
I will drive a nice car AND not keep it clean.
I will break my foot AND continue to walk around on it.
I will denounce "blogging" as ridiculous AND, well, you know.

Contradictions shape us and make life SWEET!

PS I know I said I would detach my emotions from the Cubs, but I broke
that pledge last night and anger-drank a half bottle of Jack. Sue me.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 21: Worst Personal Ad Ever

Hi there,

A little bit about me... First off, I'm kind of neurotic. I have
regular, multiple conversations with ourself, and frequently experience
dramatic personality shifts. I'm OCD, ADD, and a P.I.M.P. I don't
really listen very well and have contempt for most people (especially
women). While I don't "lie" per se, I do like to bend and exaggerate
the truth to a point where it's barely recognizable just to serve my own
ends. I'm good at making women who first meet me think that I'm normal,
and can usually keep that up just long enough to get in their pants.
I'm bossy, demanding, and not particularly kind. If you're the kind of
girl who likes special things on her birthday, or for a guy to even
remember her birthday, keep lookin'.

What I like... this is the tough part. I don't want to say that I'm
"picky" but I do have a few deal-breakers. I don't like any women with
any sort of personal defect whatsoever; from a crooked tooth to a
hangnail, don't bring your flaws to my doorstep! I prefer small, easily
dominated women with a flair for obedience. Nothing makes me happier
than a kind woman who is willing to bring me things I want (beer, food,
remotes, etc.), clean up a bit, do some laundry, and not be such a bitch
about it that she complains all day. Physical attraction is a must. I
know it sounds a little shallow, but I really need at least a C cup. I
could maybe accept you with less, but you would have to have rockin'
face or a whole lotta junk in yo trunk if you know what I mean! J/k!
No, seriously though. I like women who dress in short skirts and
low-cut tank tops, but if you ever cheated on me I would run you over
with my car.

Finally, a note about compatibility. I can't be in a relationship where
there is no respect for each other, so don't be a hater who wants to
bust her man's chops about playing Xbox all night. I'll let you shop or
whatever, or clean in peace and quiet, so the least I expect is for you
to respect me in everything I do. And one final thought: I need a woman
who is ready to do anything I require to achieve sexual satisfaction
without expecting anything in return! Unconditional love, please!

Well, if you're pretty and interested in meeting me, please send me a
message and let's get together! We'll go to my favorite restaurant and
see a movie I want to see. Your treat!

Doby Crotchtangle

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 20: The Troll

The Gods of Hilarious Shit smiled down upon us this weekend, bestowing
perhaps the mightiest instrument of unbelievable laughation that the
world has seen. The source of this story swears by its authenticity,
and snopes so far has been unable to declare it invalid. So, true or
not-as-true, here it is:

A lady my friend works with has an autistic son who usually calls and
says crazy shit. He lives at home and takes care of himself, so she
checks in with him regularly throughout the day. Well a few weeks ago
his comment of the day was "Mom, I caught a troll!" to which his mother
said something like "That's nice, hon." She gets a few more of these
calls during the day but doesn't think much of it.

When she gets home her son is all excited and pulls her upstairs to see
the troll he caught. When she gets up there she sees the dresser pushed
against the closet door and skittles all over the floor. He tells his
mom to watch while he slides a skittle under the door. "I'm feeding
it!" he exclaims. She moves the dresser and opens the door: there's a
midget. Yup, a midget. Apparently he was a census worker and his son
locked him up and fed him skittles all day! Apparently there is some
sort of wrongful imprisonment suit that's been filed, but that's all I

I can't say that I fully believe this story (unless I was presented with
some irrefutable evidence: like some skittles with dwarf teeth-marks on
them) but regardless, it's pretty fantastic.

There are two types of people in the world: those that, if they were a
wrongfully imprisoned little-person being fed skittles under a closet
door by an autistic kid, would eat the skittles, and those who wouldn't.
I know I'd taste the rainbow.