Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 32: Plenty of Fish out there. Retarded Fish.

You all are getting a preemptive YOU'RE WELCOME for this post! Today, I'm going to give you some good-ass-shit (GAS). A friend has given me some messages sent to her from guys (read: douchebags) on online dating sites. I've giddily sifted through this hilarious window into why-nuking-the-planet-may-not-be-such-a-bad-idea and have identified for you certain types of online dating guys to watch out for.

*I know this is my longest yet, but please bear with me until I'm finished!
**Yes, that's what she said.

Douchebag type #1: The Persistent One-Liner

Meet: Alex
*note the dates on these messages

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/17/2010 623 PM
hey lets go out baby!!!!

(Okay, a little weird, let's just ignore it and it'll go away. Like polio.)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/19/2010 822 PM
lets chat.

(Um, remember that time I didn't answer your first message?)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/20/2010 1229 PM
text me 712203****;););)

(You know, I was hoping we could skip any other form of communication and go right to texting. You rogue.)

From: alexspirit
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/24/2010 905 PM
lets have fun you and me.

Description: Really? Alex is a very typical Persistent One-Liner. Note
the lack of any sort of creativity or uniqueness in his messages; this is
deliberate so that he can shoot his douchebag load of perpetually unsuccessful pick-up lines out to as many chicks as possible without actually having to know anything about them or even read their profile. I'm pretty sure he's getting these directly off the small candy valentines hearts his mother gave him. "Be mine!" "Tru love" "Txt Me." This type of shotgun-message approach has historically not been effective virtually ever, yet the optimism and can-do attitude of these guys gives them a blessedly merciful sense of denial and naivete.

Danger Level: 4

Your Response: Do not, in any way/shape/fashion/form/method/style/version respond to these guys. They have 100 girls just like you that they are hassling, and when one of them does -literally- anything to acknowledge their existence, they will flock to you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm.

Our next contestant is: The Guy Who So Knows What The Ladies Like (TGWSKWTLL)
((Wait: that's not a handy acronym at all...)
Meet Franklin:

From: GoodBadExam_ple
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/18/2010 3:05:31 PM
awww your so beautifull! hi im 25...from fairfield, and have a 4 year old son named **** who ive raised by myself since he was 3 months very responisible and have 2 jobs i work 30 hours a week with both so im friends say im funny.. never a dull moment around me, im a sweet guy who has a soft heart from having a son..if your looking for a**** mancho stud im not the one but if you are looking for someone to be friends with who is caring
and kind who always has time to talk or listen then im the one:) i believe being a has nothing to do with strength or stamina.. a man is someone who cares about family and friends and god and works his tail offf...stand up for whats right:)) im not on often but if you think you would like to get to know each other text me sometime at 641-*******! would love to hear from you!!

From: GoodBadExam_ple (View Profile)
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/10/2010 331 PM
awww arent you just cute!! im franklin...25...from ottumwa area and im looking for friends at first then long term if we connect,friends say theres never a dull moment when im around and that im always sweet and think of others feelings..i have a 4 year old son named **** whom ive had custody of since he was 3 months old. if you could use a good friend or just a laugh even text me sometime!!641-*******

Description: Well, we've taken it up one notch here. Franklin here at least is typing out (poorly written) sentences about SOMETHING. Franklin also apparently has the ability to Google, because he typed in "what ladies like" and crafted the following list:

Sensitive, sweet, father, thinks of others, not a pervert, responsible.

Franklin has created an American-style melting pot of these traits in a single message, yet there is no attempt at style or subtlety. Kind of like if you took your 8 favorite foods and just put them in a bowl together: sounds good, but ice cream, spaghetti, and Subway sandwiches probably don't belong in the same bite. Franklin is a guy who wants to be friends first- so don't try and rush him. And if you like those macho jerk guys, then keep looking because he's all about sweetness and listening to you on the phone. He is ready to go shoe shopping, make some cookies,and just curl up while you talk about your day. Don't even worry about anything serious with Franklin here- he just wants to acknowledge your feelings and be a good friend.


And, if you were paying attention, you'll notice that Franklin sent a followup message to the same person that appears nearly identical to the first message. I guess it gets confusing when you're sending these out to any and every girl whose profile picture gives the impression that they're breathing, but seriously; try a bit. He even uses the same "awww" to start out his message. Notice that few of his details are off in the second message; either that or he moved in the 8 days between messages. With the way this guy approaches ladies, it's actually possible that he does move every week or two.

Danger level: 5

Your Response: These guys are perverts with a thin sheet of regular-guy on top of them, and like someone covering up cat poop with a pieces of toilet paper; this can't stand. You need to remove their covering, expose them for the poop they are, and get out the broom. The easiest way to do this is to tell them that you are actually sort of a bad girl and don't really like the sensitive guys. This will cause them to trip over themselves to tell you about how bad they really are and that they just didn't want to scare you away. Once you have them in that mode, switch and accuse them of being insensitive. They'll go right back. Then, accuse them of being too sensitive. Rinse, wash, repeat. Eventually they will snap and show their true colors. Then you can report them and send the final email to me for hilarity review.

Next: The Irrelevant and Possibly Retarded Guy
Meet Mark:

From: mark4ya
Subject: Hi Beautiful smile!!! Sent Date: 5/12/2010 1101 PM
I dont drink unless someone like to drink with me and I drink upto tipsy land at the most.
You are beautiful.

Description: I love lamp! I have a doggie. Want to eat ice cream? I like pie. Yeah... about that. What exactly do you do with a guy who puts together a phrase like "I drink upto tipsy land at the most?" I think he knew that his sentence had bombed and made up for it with a quick little compliment. Nice recovery, but the damage was done. How would dinner with this guy go?

You: Hi- thanks for meeting me here!
Mark, wearing helmet: Inside to eat we go but not eat a lot unless someone eat with me a lot upto fulltown.
You: ::puff of smoke and gone::


Danger Level: 2

Your response: Ignoring will work here, but if you have any sense of self-respect you will lead this guy on just to get some more of his prime emails, then share them with your friends and family. Don't worry about inflicting any sort of lasting harm here; he's not going to remember anything or in any way process information, so you can pretty much get away with mental and emotional murder.

Next: The Tough Guy
Meet:vlsvahid (let's call him "Vlad", cuz he's a hard ass.)

From: vlsvahid
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 5/16/2010 205 PM
if you want give mee your number..maybe icall you

Description: Definitely a thick Russian-gangster accent here. "Maybe I call you pussy-face. Maybe you eat dinner with me, become prostitute, and geeve good pleasure to my friends. Then maybe I beat you; we see." Wherever this guy is, its cold and he's wearing a thick fur hat.

Danger level: 1 or 7 (depending on whether or not he actually IS a Russian Gangster)

Your response: Look, pussyface, don't give this guy anything, and if you get a message like this go straightaway to your profile and make sure there isn't enough information for him to track you down and sell you into a prostitution ring. Those things suck. Like a knitting circle, only different.

Next Guy: Guy Who May Be In Coma And Possibly Needs Immediate Medical Help
Meet Tim:

From: tim_in_cedarrapids
Subject: Your Subject Line here Sent Date: 5/4/2010 10:06:31 PM
Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm

Description: Wait a minute... I know those moaning sounds... ZOMBIES!!! RUN!! A Zombie found your profile and is going to find you and eat your brains!! Oh... okay, not a zombie? In a coma? Well, it sounds like he's coming out of it. Alert the Cedar Rapids hospitals to a man named Tim who just used his last conscious moments to surf online dating sites and send a message for help to a random girl!

Danger Level: 1 or 47 (omg Zombies!)

Your Response: Either run and hide in an underground bunker or call the hospital and report a possible sleeping pill overdose.

And finally, my favorite, The Aspiring Author and Motivational Speaker
Meet: Dan

From: danman0138
Subject: s Sent Date: 5/22/2010 1235 AM
i think you maybe asking just alittle to much out of any one. lol not poking fun at you dont get me rong. i tend to do the same. most people do. im probly not your type but that never stoped anyone before. i dont drink i dont litter if i can help it if a peace of paper fly's out the window i probly wont stop the car and pick it up. i do however keep my yard as clean as posible. i like to talk if theres something to talk about and if not i still try reall hard to listen to whoever may be talking to me. i going out to coffie shops and concerts and thing of the like but i like a few i guess you could say redneck events like races but i dont go often at all. were do i work, just about everywere the job market not so good so i work were i can right now im roofing laying concreate and transporting cars. i dont mind it becuse i want to get to were i can do any job asked of me and i wish to open my own company in the next ten years. i learn when i can and what i can.i just moved to pleasant hill not to long ago so i dont know alot of people up here, and becuse of that and i dont really have alot of time to, dont do much. i like to wright poems ive tried my hand at acouple books i probly wont be the next egger alin poe but i like what ive done. i dont really talk this much most of the time becuse well becuse theres not alot of people i wish to waised my breath on. i like humor not alot of people get my brand but eh! who cares what thay think. i do smoke but want to quit im trying to quit i will quit i just alittle modivation but i dont smoke inside that i wont do. im not perfict no one is eather are you beleave it or not. every budy has to compromize some time or another. it may not be with me that wont bother me one bit. just sayin dont die alone. the truth is hard to swallow sometimes. not tryn to burst your bubble just keeping it real.

Description: Holy. Shit. First off, in one message this guy has given you at least 10 motivational phrases to show you how wise and laid-back he is:
1. Keep it real
2. Don't die alone
3. Everybody has to compromise
4. No one is perfect
5. Who cares what others think
6. Learn what you can, when you can
7. Dream big
8. Don't litter
9. Try people outside your 'type'
10. Don't ask too much from someone

Wow. He's like a Jewish-Buddha-Prophet who has his own talk show. He's just so...wise. Like a failed-out-of-first-grade-English Yoda. I'm seriously rooting for this guy. Look how humble he is! He's just working hard, trying things out, doesn't know a lot of people, he's ready to compromise, he can tease you a bit- this guy knows what the ladies like.

Apparently he didn't get the full list of things girls like:

1. Coherent thoughts
2. ANY understanding of the English language
3. People who don't spell waste "waised"
4. People who DO stop the car and pick up paper if it 'fly's' out the window

Sorry Dan; you're out.

And on top of all that? He's an aspiring author. In case you MISSED THIS let me REPEAT the sentence that Dan ACTUALLY TYPED:

"i like to wright poems ive tried my hand at acouple books i probly wont be the next egger alin poe but i like what ive done."

O.M.F.G!! This has to be the best quote I've read in a very long time. I can't WAIT for this guy to put his poems in you. For you egger alin poe fans out there who are upset that your favorite poet is dead, get ready! The second coming is here.

So there's a start for you. I am pretty sure that I have a bunch more of these so it's possible that you may see a part two.

You just can't make this shit up!

PS If anyone knows Dan, please give me his number because I need an editor for my blog.


  1. BWAAAAHAAHAAAHAAA!!!! Funniest shit ever! I AM the next egger alin poe! Qwot da rayban nevor-moore.
    Holy crap, it's like Bonham wrote all of those!

  2. I know, right? Speaking of, I was combing through some old shit to see if I had any "Bonham Gems" from Iraq so that I could post them for my amusement but couldn't find any. You have anything? I remember his email-fails were the stuff of legends and that he did to the English language what Attila the Hun did to the Gauls. Only more violent.

  3. You had me at "Retarded Fish". I've written MUCH on the subject! Great piece :-)

  4. Thanks Lucky! The girl who sent me these has not sent me anymore yet, which is a shame cuz I was just getting warmed up.

    Uh... you got any?

    PS I say no to "Wednesday." You don't break up with someone by text. Nope, not done. Not ever. And then to send a big ass batch of roses to just smooth things over? No way. He didn't even have to put any thought into that; just make a 2-second phone call.

    "Yeah, hi, uh.... Roses for Retards Who F Up Terribly? Yeah, this is Wednesday. Yup, again. I'm going to need a big ass batch of roses so I can get laid by this chick I dumped via text... yeah, that's right. Nope, backup fell through. ::laughs:: Ha! I know, right! Yeah, that'll do- just bill it to the same card. I gotta run. Thanks!"

    At least that's how I envision it.

    PS physical attraction doesn't come "in time," ever. It's there from the onset or not at all! Well, with a few exceptions...

  5. Bwahahahaha!!!! This is the funniest piece I've read in a long time and here I am thinking you pretty much busted my gut with the illustrations and last couple of posts.

    A few things... first, your knack for painting a visual picture is PRICELESS.

    Second, this emphasizes my point for joining POF for comic relief as my expectations are -.000000000000001 of meeting anyone of substance.

    Third, I adore you for the translations and breakdowns. My head was starting to hurt after trying to decipher that last loser's spill but you summed it up well.

    Permission to repost?


  6. Of course!

    The more the word is spread, the more (hopefully) the quality of guys will go up. Which, in turn, will allow women to let their guard down, which will, in turn, allow me easier access to women.

    You see the connection.

    The last guy was definitely my favorite... the poetry thing was just too much!

  7. This was freaking hilarious!! I have unfortunately been the recipient of such e-mails...and have ignored them all. After a while I will usually get some 'damn bitch' e-mail. Oh yes...I want to do you now...

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