Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 30: Loaded Word List, Final Thoughts, and A Message From Our Principal

Day 30... wow.

Today I'm going to give you the Loaded Word List (LWL) in
its current form, as well as some general rules of thumb on how to avoid
creating unintentionally sexual sentences. This list is by no means
complete, but consider it a good starting point and probably more than
you can handle right now (yes, handle is on the list).

For the sake of brevity I have omitted numerous variations of words
(i.e. "deep" is listed, but not deeper, deeply, deepest, etc.).
Remember in many cases a single, properly used, word from this list is
safely usable in a sentence. If you are using one of these words in
your sentence, however, be VERY careful about what else is in your
sentence. And, unless you have been pre-certified as an innuendo
master, do NOT put any two of these words together in a single sentence.

Another rule of thumb relates to undefined objects in a sentence. For instance, if
you use "it" as the object of your sentence (perhaps previously defining
"it" in an earlier sentence) then know that "it" is already in danger of
being sexual. Hence, do not use "it" and any word from the LWL in a
sentence. I will select a few words at random from the list to
illustrate my point:

"It was brief." (see- three words and we're already talking about
premature ejaculation)
"Look how deep it is!"
"Remember when it exploded?"
"It's really slippery!"

You might after reading this feel that unnecessary restraint
and self-censorship is necessary to speak in an innuendo-free manner.
However, watch how easily these same sentences can be corrected with a
bit of literal description:

"The meeting was brief."
"The water is really deep!"
"Remember when those bombs exploded?"
"The roads are slippery today!"

Now due to time constraints I haven't separated this word list into
different danger classification levels. Let me assure you however that
they do exist. I refer to certain words as "Class A" danger words that
should be avoided in almost all situations (try using 'cock' in a safe
sentence). For now it will be up to you to determine the word danger
level, but I can tell you a few easy ones to get you going: swallow,
cock, teabag, and backdoor. If you have a sentence that must have one of
these words, please call a licensed professional to assist you.

I hope that, as new words come into your life, you will share them with
the world so that we can see this list grow evermore comprehensive. And
please, by all means, feel free to share stories of the ridiculous
things that people say on a daily basis.

Well, this is the last day for this blog experiment. I've had a lot of
fun writing this blog and have really appreciated the positive comments
some of you have said to me. I will tell you that I don't feel like my
writing days are done, but I do want to take time to reread these 30
posts and see if I can still look myself in the mirror. I'm sure I'll
have some crazy ideas and new directions to try, but in the meantime;
you stay classy. I'll close this thing out with a great quote (loosely
paraphrased) from the movie Billy Madison:

"This blog is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen.
At no point in its rambling, incoherent posts was there anything even
close to what could be considered a rational thought. Everyone here is
now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have
mercy on your soul."




LWL:

Access, Backdoor, Backlog, Bag
Ball,Bandit, Bareback, Beat
Beaver, Bend over, Betwixt, Blow (blew, blown, etc.)
Bone, Box, Breast, Brief, Bun
Bush, Cannelloni, Carpet, Cherry, Choke
Chomp, Chubby, Clam, Cock, Cram
Cream, Crotch, Damp, Deep, Devour
Dirty, Discharge, Diving, Done
Double Team, Double-bag, Drip, Drizzle
Ease, Easy, Eat, Erect, Exit, Explode
Face, Faster, Finish, Fist, Fits
Footlong, Force, Furry, Fuzzy, Gag, Gang
Goo, Grunt, Hairy, Handle, Hard
Hole, Hood, Hoover, Hot, Hot Dog
Hum (hummer), Insert, Inside, Jabbing, Job
Jug, Lick, Lips, Load, Long, Loose
Meat, Milky, Moan, Moist, Mouth, Muff
Munch, Nibble, Nozzle, Nuggets, Number Two
One-eyed, Ooze, Package, Peter, Pierce
Pop, Pork, Pre, Prod, Pudding, Pulsate
Pump, Purple-Headed, Putter, Ram
Ready, Rear, Regurgitate, Rim Job, Rod
Rough, Sack, Salad, Salami, Satisfy
Sausage, Seat, Seepage, Shaft, Shoot
Shot, Slam, Slide, Slinger, Slippery
Slurp, Smack, Snatch, Spillage, Spit
Splatter, Spray, Spurt, Squirt, Stick it in
Stomach, Stretch, Stride, Stuff, Suck
Surprise, Swallow, Taco, Tap, Teabag, Throat
Throb, Thrust, Tight, Tongue, Toss, Tripod
Tuna, Unit, Valve, Vanilla, Weiner
Wet Spot, Whack, Willy, Yogurt

5 comments:

  1. Oh sure...I discover your blog and settle in to read, only to realize your last day of the experiment was today. FML.

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  2. I wouldn't worry Michalle- setting my pen down is going to be easier said than done! Thanks for including me in a FML, though- that's a first. Well, that I know of.

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  3. Upcoming Events: As I scan through the web and other blogs, I am literally overwhelmed by the sheer volume of accidentally inappropriate comments. As a courtesy to society, I am going to start collecting these juicy morsels (with your help) and posting them in a new blog, giving due credit to their source. We're starting Monday.

    ReplyDelete