Day 25: The Innuendo List

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Despite my sarcastic nature I have always endeavored to contribute to society's betterment through diligent application of my mental faculties. While normally constrained to small tasks due to my excessive laziness and tendency to fall prey to ADD attacks, every so often I really push forward and dream big. That time has come again.

Too often in our daily lives we are confronted with innocent people who say not-innocent phrases only because they didn't know any better and there are only so many of we innuendo-blackbelts in existence to train them (read: ridicule them). For years, the naïve masses have clamored for some direction and clarification in the shady world of "that's what she said" and now it's time to band together and come to their aid.

Here are a few phrases I want you to look over. Can you tell which one of the four was meant in the perverted way in which it sounds?

"I need immediate access to VLIPS"
"There's no way that's gonna fit in there; you'll scrape the sides of it right off!"
"Your cream is getting everywhere; you need to just finish that off."
"I just can't believe how big it is... we're going to have to call some friends!"

What'd you guess? Doesn't matter; you're wrong. All of these phrases were uttered in complete innocence. How can this be? Do people not know that VLIPS is a hilariously inappropriate name for a computer program? That if you have "it" as the object of your sentence then you need to be careful with what you describe "it" as doing? That "cream" is a class-A danger word and should only be used by experienced innuendo masters? That any size adjective ('big') automatically adds phallic-presumption to the object of the sentence? Nope; the great masses of people (whose humor somehow progressed beyond the junior high level) remain woefully uneducated on how to speak without perverted innuendo. That's what I'm here to fix.

I'm compiling an innuendo survival guide and I need your help. I need words for the danger word list, ideas on what makes a sentence perverted, and particularly loaded (if your ears went up at the word "loaded" then you're just the man for this job) phrases that you encounter throughout your day. This task is too big for just one man (snickering? we need you!) so I'm depending on your help in putting this together. So please, for the sake of the innocent masses out there, send me anything that is "that's what she said" related this week (and beyond) so that we can finally provide a resource for world to use.

Here's a starter list of words to get your perverted mind running: (like it needed help, right?) For fun, take any 2 or 3 words and try and make a sentence that ISN'T perverted. Good luck!

Face
Mouth
Tongue
Lips
Swallow
Throat
Choke
Gag
Cream
Swallow
Suck
Lick
Clam
Beaver
Hole
Snatch
Munch
Nibble
Drizzle
Crotch
Shoot
Load
Splatter
Stick it in
Easy
Access
Weiner
Hot Dog
Bun
Seat
Force
Exit
Vanilla


Sincerely,

Grandmaster Shreves

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