Thursday, February 17, 2011

Entry 130: February Is National "I Hate Everything" Month

           Maybe those of you in warm, temperate climates (I hate you) don't understand the dreary misery that is winter in February, but let me assure you that months of gray clouds, ice & snow, and frigid temperatures start to wear on a person.  Some people feel the effects more than others (I hate anyone who isn't as badly affected as I am) because there are those, like me, who get to this point in the year and change into mean-spirited, cynical, rage-filled douches.  Here's a graph showing why February is the peak time for winter-suckassedness:

1. Dec-Jan.  Yes, there are many shitty days in front of you, but you haven't been worn down yet.  You carry over some of the excitement of the previous fall, and you get a few Holidays to distract yourself.

3. March -->  You've endured the worst of things, yet Spring is in sight.  You occasionally get days of semi-warmth and might even get a glimpse of the sun.  Yes, it does exist.  Also, baseball starts in April.

2. Feb.  Epicenter. Your spirits have been eroded by months of gray and cold.  You realized that you never even truly believed in Santa in the first place.  Your parents probably adopted you.  When you're at your weakest, you realize that there are still many, many days of shit-tastic suck-waddery ahead of you.  FML.

Yesterday I almost snapped at my own mother.  Since I try to live by the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" motto, I'm pretty silent in February.  Here is the conversation, plus my evil thoughts:

Mom: "blah blah blah"
Me: "Yeah, I'm okay.  Just a little grouchy from this weather I suppose."
Mom: "Well don't be grouchy! Go home and play with your cat and relax.  Don't be grouchy."
My thought: "Yeah, that helps, mom.  Why didn't I think of that?  I'll just go ahead and not be grouchy now.  Great advice."   

Instead I mumbled "I'll try that." 
Can't believe I almost snapped at my mother!

I don't know if I've shared this yet or not, but my 3 long-term relationships have all ended within a week of Valentine's Day.  Each breakup initiated by me.  Sad, I know, but in retrospect it was probably the best gift I could have ever given them.

Yes, my girlfriends were this hot.

I can't help it.  It's like I'm not me, and the real me has abdicated the throne until April and turned the reins over to a hating doucheweasel.  A doucheweasel who doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anybody.  You could ask the doucheweasel (DW) "Hey, DW, how would you like a million dollars?" and he would say, "F your money.  I hate you.  I hate money.  All money buys is shit that will ruin your life anyway.  The only thing worth buying with money is hammers to smash beautiful things. PS eat shit." Right?  Just hateful.

Possible depiction of a doucheweasel

The main object of my hatred the last few days is the Bird Lady who works near me and is the epitome of bitterness and spite.  I wrote about her and her evil sidekick here.  She has passed my work area several times today, and each time my urge to punch her bird-face as hard as I can rises.  She seriously, seriously, looks like a chicken.  She even sort of pecks her head forward and back, as if her eyes are on opposite sides of her head and she had problems with depth-perception.  Her mouth looks like she eats lemons all day, everyday.

 Picture this: 

Plus this:

And you'll pretty much have it. 

The other day at work I decided that I didn't care if she happened to be around and I did my impression of Bird Lady all the way down the hall.  I did the hen-walk, the head-bob, and occasionally let out a loud "BA-GAWK!" to signal my desire for corn feed.  Speaking of, I wonder if it's possible to leave a trail of chicken feed from her desk to a pit outside filled with sharpened stakes.

And it's not only just people and situations that can arouse my February-hate.  Sometimes it's more abstract than that.  For instance, two blog writers I know have recently gone on a few dates together and have been writing (charming) updates.  A picture on the gal's blog today was of some roses and a "guess who I got THESE from?" caption.  Cute, right?

Regular Caleb thinks: "Boy that's nice.  With all the craptastic stories of dating out there, it's sweet to see two people actually working out!  Plus, I like reading the guy's blog and he seems like a thoughtful and genuinely decent guy.  He deserves some good luck!"

However, Douche-weasel thinks: "Gay.  Lame.  Nothing says 'I don't know you well enough to get you something thoughtful' like roses."

Now that's not nice.  I don't really want to think these things, but I just become a douche-factory that manufactures douchery and exports it to everywhere.

So if I seem mean, or I don't want to talk to you, or I set your house on fire, know that I'll be back to my old self in April and ready to help build you a new house.

Caleb "I don't feel like putting anything here." Shreves


  1. sometimes i wonder how anyone could possibly think that i'm dark when held in comparison to you. you sir, are the Prince of Darkness, while i am only a minion.

  2. Awww, you dark, twisty, stinkyfarty, bitter old man! I'll just hug you up, internet style.


    I'll give you a Shriner Moltar if you want.

  3. I feel your pain Sir!!


  4. It's true - Feb. is the worst fucking month of the year.

  5. jeez caleb...once again this is pretty ridiculous..we live in iowa, what do you expect? rainbows and sunshine everyday? yeh right..get used to it! atleast its not freezing cold this week..spring will be here before you know it so just keep that in mind instead of hating everything.

  6. You should listen to your mom...that's solid advice...just go home and play with your pussy and you'll feel MUCH better.

  7. I'm with you on this one Shreves - February is a desolate waste hole. I've often lamented many of the sentiments on your blog post, but I didn't take the time to incorporate the art work. Thanks for keepin' it classy.

  8. Best chuckle of the day and yes, the winter months are the worst! only you could come up with such great illustrations of f@ckitude!

    I can't complain all THAT much living here in Cali, but believe me when we get inundated with rain (for us, that's anything lasting longer than 20 minutes), it's pretty rough.

    But what's up with you dumping your ladies right before V-Day? Is that a cost savings measure?? LOL

  9. Only 11 days left, Caleb.

    There! That's all the positive thinking you'll get from me.

    Oh, and...

    Stay away from my house, DW, or I'll make April Fool's Day seem like The Apocalypse.

    Just saying.

  10. Who's a grumpy wumpus? Does someone need a visit from the tickle monster? yes? YES??

    Also, "sorrs"? Is that a typo? I hope to god not. I'm using that.

  11. Have you ever considered getting one of those SADD lights? I TOTALLY get you here. I grew up in Florida. The sunshine state. Now I live in England. I love London, but you know those old movies where London is always in a fog cloud and it's never light out? I thought they were just doing it for dramatic license. Not.

    p.s. Don't be hatin' on me flowers. Douche-monkey will come bite you in the ass for that one!

  12. Linds (aka Bronc-a-donk-alous)- Finally, you see the light. Er, darkness. As it were.

    Mollie- What the H. E. Double-hockey-sticks is a Shriner Moltar? Is that from LOTR?

    Lauren- Call me DW.

    Dusty- Thanks. Though I hear you're a chipper sort in the winter. And you know how I feel about that...

    Anon- Yup. I secretly suspect that's why men suck at Valentine's day. They should move it to July. And add fireworks.

    Lindsey (2)- Shut up, that's why.

    Kristy- I have too many responses to that to put any one of them down. Well played, BFF.

    Kerry- What do you mean you "lamented my sentiments?" Sounds dirty. And provocative. 'Classy' is my middle name. Well, that and 'Danger'.

    MDH- Can I borrow "fuckitude?" I've been using "suck-waddery" too much lately. Sorry your time in CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA is so rough. Must be miserable. (sigh.) And sadly, no. I was usually extra dumb and broke up AFTER dinner and gifts. I know, I'm an R-Tard.

    Kimberly (Kimmerilla)- Your strategic mold placement would keep me away from your house regardless, so I think we're okay there. You know what's in 11 days? More cold, more gray, and more doucheweaselry.

    Steamy- OMGz! I feel like I just got a kiss from Justin Bieber. Nope- "Sorrs" is 100% legit. You can use it, but I want credit. "Street Cred," if you got it. PS The Doucheweasel ate the tickle monster. Sorrs.

    LB@T- I've tried trips, snowmobiling, Vitamin D, tanning, exercise, and pushing people down the stairs. All to no avail. I really want to visit London, but I'm thinking summer would be a better time. Sorry for the flower hate- I was just keepin' it real. (what's that mean?) PS if you take another picture of you two, turned around, I'll retract my evil thoughts. PPS can you retract a thought?

  13. Ah, Caleb - I can always count on you to speak your mind without holding back! To quote Ray Liotta: you're a funny guy.

    Now I'm wondering what a blogger-date post written by you might look like! I think it could be awesome - any candidates to make it happen?

  14. Dearest Douche-factory,

    Your illustrations rock. And I'm not going to judge you. I'm a big box of toolery myself for most of winter. Anyone who manages to remain full of cheer during this time? Mutant.

  15. I hate feb. as well this month is at total waste of time. I can't wait until April

  16. You've got it all wrong.. March and April are the doucheweasel months of the year.

    Just when you think you've seen a glimmer of spring, you get dumped a foot of snow. Or golf ball sized hail.

    P.S. I like your blog today too.

  17. P.P.S I am enamored with 'doucheweasel'. I will add it to my vocabulary.

  18. I also HATE February. During this period I become an absolute arse hole, become a cow to my boyfriend at the time and we undoubtably break up shortly before/after my birthday, which is the beginning of March. My solution? Avoid men throughout February. It's working in my break ups/imminent break ups and I have got a shit load of my MA work done. Winner.

    Laura xxx

  19. OMG you made my day! I love you!
    well not in a weird creepy way, but I dig ya for sure.

    I hear ya on the weather. Vancouver gets maybe 2-3 months of winter.. NOT 5!!!!! So boo hiss

    I'm not going to say anything from now on, if it's not full of unicorn's puking lollipops over rainbows and all that stuff. :)

  20. haha best new word.

    your IPA name (this is probably pretty correct but i did just learn it): /kelEb/ or maybe it's /keIlEb/ i forget the rules for e and eI. enjoy!

  21. holy fuckitude, doucheweasel!!! this post is epic. loves it!

    p.s. i am a mutant. i like february. mostly because it's my birthday month and i get presents and cupcakes.

    p.p.s. i'm with the housewife. you always get dumped on in april.

    p.p.p.s. three long term relationships at once? stud.

  22. You all can borrow any words you like! Use them carefully, however. Words are powerful. Like "bewbs."

    And if you like February, suck it. If you hate February, suck it, but less.

    And no, Lucky, NOT at once (I'm not THAT evil) ((okay, yes I am)) but each of the breakups, in different years, were all in Feb. Looks like I survived this year, but barely.

    The Doucheweasel may or may not have sent a hateful email. Whoops. Hey- I warned her!

    I love looking at the doucheweasel picture. I mean seriously- he really looks like a doucheweasel, right?

  23. Ah. Another one. How quickly one (you) forgot the murky silliness that was Shriner Moltar.

  24. nothing makes me grumpier than someone telling me not to be grumpy.

  25. who else is reading your blog in 2012?November 18, 2012 at 10:00 PM

    I feel like i ought to stop reading at: "I try to live by the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" motto" - its how i know you are completely bullshitting us here.