Thursday, October 21, 2010

Entry 102: The Friendship Campaign

There are two old ladies who work near me.  They are giant Cunts- and I don't use the word often or lightly.  They hate everybody, they gossip, they talk about people loudly enough for them to hear, they're mean, they complain about everything (last week someone's sandals were too loud) and they've finally made it unbearable enough for a lady nearby that she had to move desks.

They don't work for the company that I work for, and their boss is not the same area as them.  Word is they've been chased out other areas throughout their career for their cuntery, but no one wants to reprimand them now since they're old and brittle and retiring soon.  Well, technically, I think they already retired as government workers and now work do nothing as "consultants."  Yes, that's where your tax dollars go.

Anyway, someone approached me this week on how we can exact vengeance on them for being so foul that we had to actually move one of our employees.  We brainstormed for an hour or so and came up with a few good ideas; dead cockroaches on their desk, rearranging their desks, hiding rotten potatoes (or apples) in their workspace, but I think the best idea is my friendship campaign.

Basically, we're going to make those motivational posters you see everywhere with friendship slogans like these:

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."

Etc.  We're going to frame them with happy pictures and put them up at everyone's desk.  Starting with the now empty desk of their most recent victim.  Then we're going to start a verbal component of our plan, with everyone in our area going to at least one person a day and saying loudly something nice and supportive.  If they all happen to be to the person who sits right next to these old bats?  Pure coincidence.  And if someone asks us why we're doing this?  Well, we had an internal dispute in our company and decided to resolve it proactively rather than with punishments and penalties.  Aren't we chic?

So we're working on the posters now, but if any of you have ideas for how to take out these old ladies- let me know!

Caleb "Can't we all just get along?" Shreves

PS one of the two ladies looks JUST like a bird.  I only know her as Bird Lady.  She even moves her head like a chicken when she walks.  Weird.


  1. I don't understand how people like that can function in society, let alone without not being physically assaulted on a daily basis.

    If you really wanted to make their lives hell you should get that deer piss stuff that is so rancid. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

  2. Yes I do. My cousin uses it to lure deer or something like that. I don't understand what all the "hunting" part is about- I see deer hit by cars on the road all the time. I wouldn't exactly consider them to be an "elusive" creature!

    Yes, these ladies are evil. We've got some posters made up and we're ready to hang some, but we heard a rumor they might be getting moved. On the one hand that's good because, well, they suck, but on the other it's not good because we really want to try and goad/torture them.

    We'll see.

  3. I think you should take advantage of the short time you may have left with them & make them regret their shrewish behavior.

    And yeah, I don't understand the big deal about hunting deer. They kind of suck at the whole "not getting killed" thing.

  4. On the bottom of those gov't desks are plastic inserts that protect the floor. Remove the insert and insert 2 or 3 med shrimp (16 - 20) and let the fun begin!

  5. Sadly the other girl that used to work by me has been chased off. I'm the next in line as far as targets are concerned, but so far they haven't made their move.

    I'm ready though. Bring it, chicken-lady.