Monday, January 31, 2011

Entry 127: Alternative Weather Terminology

When reporting on the snow-apalooza we're getting tomorrow night, our local weatherman revealed that he is a user of what I call "alternative weather terminology" (AWT).  Specifically, he described our upcoming storm as "a real humdinger!"  While I of course know exactly what he meant, I realize that others of you may not be familiar with the principles of AWT.  So I thought I would help out and go over some basic AWT concepts.  Let's begin with the humdinger, shall we?

1. Humdinger

Basically a Humdinger is any weather phenomenon that could potentially be the rarest for a given area in a given year.  For instance, our local upcoming humdinger might bring snow of up to 18 inches (heh heh) which could be the most bad-ass storm we get all year.  Hence, it was labeled a humdinger.  Note, however, that making a humdinger call this early in the year is a bold move; what if we get some badass storm later on?  Sorry- you already used up your humdinger for the year.  No exceptions. 

Regardless, local conditions dictate the designating of humdinger status.  12 inches of snow in Texas would probably be a humdinger, but not in Canadia. Cuz it's common there.  Like murders in Jersey. 

2.  Doozy

A doozy is something worth talking about, but pretty much only to make small talk with awkward family members or strangers in the grocery line.  Rainstorm coming in for a day or two?  Yup, could be a doozy.  Anyway, I'm going to buy my Captain Crunch and walk quickly away from you now.  

A doozy could be rain, snow, sleet, or even a heat wave.  The only point of care in using the term doozy is that you mustn't use it to describe a significant weather event unless you precede it with "a real."  As in: "Last week's storm was a doozy, but THIS weekend we're in for a real doozy!"  Obviously don't be retarded and use the word twice in one sentence, but you get the idea. 


3. The Wallop 


Look at that!  Boy, Texas is sure getting a walloping.  Lava?  Lightning?  Warm?  This is bad news.  "Wallop" is a term used when a storm is not only going to be epic, but also dangerous.  Like with lava*.  A walloping is generally reserved to describe a storm that is not happening to you.  You feel bad that other people are going through something dangerous and terrible, but you're really glad it's not you.  

*Studies done in the 90's have disproved the duck-and-cover method of surviving lava attacks

And finally...

4. The Snowpocalypse 

As you may have guessed, The Snowpocalypse is a rare and catastrophic event where everyone, everywhere, and in all times is covered in snow.  If you get tired of being snowed on and try to escape, you can't (cuz there's snow wherever you go).  Oh, you're a smarty pants and think you can fly somewhere warm?  Yeah, too much snow at the airports.  You're not going anywhere. 

Oftentimes people get a big dumping of snow (heh heh.... dumping) and want to drop the snowpocalypse bomb early.  This is a mistake.  Part of the problem is that people don't know enough terms to describe snowfall, so I've created a handy chart you can use for reference when talking about snowfall:

They say that the Eskimos have forty-two trillion words for snow, but I say that these four ought to do it.  Boobs are way cooler than snow and I can only think of a couple dozen words to describe them; why would snow need so many? Exactly.  Boobs > Snow. 

Well, if you don't hear from me for awhile I might just be buried under a fuck-ton of snow.  This storm is supposed to be big! I know it's possible that our upcoming humdinger could end up being a real doozie, but as long as its not a walloping or part of The Snowpocalypse I'll be happy.

Later team!

Caleb "Snow-Ninja" Shreves

Friday, January 28, 2011

Entry 126: Maybe You Should STFU.

Global warming. 

Though we are still working on a better understanding of global warming and its consequences, there are already people out there who are quick to blame everything bad on global warming.  Heat wave?  You probably should have recycled.  Tornadoes?  That's what you get for driving your SUV.  And maybe that hurricane would have stayed put if you had switched to CFL bulbs. 

And don't get me started on the woman who blamed global warming for a raccoon farting in her yard.

The point is, I think these people are the same people who hassle others for smoking.  For these hasslers, every time a person coughs, trips, gets laid off, or spills their drink- smoking is always the culprit.

"Maybe if you didn't smoke so much!"  Is their battle cry.

Well, it gets old hearing it.  Contrary to the hip urban youth seen on JEL commercials, smoking actually is cool.  That's why people do it.  And, as Lois Griffin says, "If she smokes, she pokes!" So it's also a bit of a chick getter.  I don't mind a person having their opinion, but I do mind when they share it with me, unsolicited, over and over.  I'm pretty sure that every time someone tells me to quit, a kitten dies.

I can't totally blame these people.  I know that their heart is in the right spot, and after some reflection I've realized that I, too, am a problem-solving advice-giver.  When someone talks about a problem or issue they are having, I am the first one to try and offer up a suggestion of what they should do.  But if smoking only teaches me one lesson, and teaches it well, then the whole thing has been worth it.  What have I learned?  This:

There you have it.  Next time you are about to give someone some unsolicited advice, just remember this post and think. "Maybe I should STFU."


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Entry 125: Yale Comedy Club


I've sent out some law school applications this past week, but I haven't sent in my application for Yale yet.  It's the highest ranked law school on planet earth and their admissions office is, of course, ridiculously selective.

One of the procedures for applying to Yale is the addition of a 250 word essay on whatever you want.  As you may guess, "Whatever you want" is a dangerous phrase to use around me, so I have decided that I am going to write a ridiculous essay that shows no skills other than avoiding boredom and complete irreverence.

The good news?  You can pick it.  No, serious.  If you throw out any idea for an essay topic, I will work to write something "caleb-style" on it and add it to my application to Yale.  Technically my scores and the rest of my application give me a chance at acceptance, so your topic suggestion could very well be the difference maker for me.

My only condition?  Just kidding.  I have no conditions. I originally thought about something with zombies, but then remembered this earlier post.

Other than that, I can report on the following updates:

1. Bears sucked last weekend.
2. I am bowling this Saturday.  Fucking. Bowling.
3. I have successfully survived 2 weeks of crossfit. 
4. My cat, when hungry, plays at being passive-aggressive and will "accidentally" knock over things that she otherwise never touches
5. I visited the Northwestern Law campus and had an interview with an admissions officer.  She was a good-looking, bitchy asian chick.  I seriously felt like I was wasting her time, and she proved to be impervious to my charm.  I can only assume she had some form of autism or something.

Caleb out!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Entry 124: Caleb And Krust Threaten The Universe Over A Sammich

If your friend was starving you would buy them a sandwich, right?  Isn't that what friends are for?  Well recently I needed a sammich, and my friend Krust decided she wasn't going to give me one.  Here's the email conversation that ensued:

*It should be noted that Krust is a rabid, psychotic, and unstable New Kids On The Block fan.

Me: "Had you answered your phone, perhaps I could have had a delicious and fulfilling lunch.  As it is, I had a bag of peanuts and some chips.

Hope you're happy."

Krust: "All the Whos down in Whoville cried boooooooo hooooooooooooooooo..... ;)"

Caleb: "If I had a Delorean, I would go back in time to where you still believed in Santa.  Then I, with cackling glee, would tell you there was no Santa and watch you cry.

Get back in the car, go back again, repeat.

That's the way I feel about you."

Krust: "Oh yeah? Well...what you don't realize is I was just *pretending* to cry so that you would be preoccupied with your cackling...thus giving me the opportunity to kick you square in the jimmy, steal the Delorean, go even further back in time, and punch you in the neck as soon as  you emerged from your mom's stanky vajeen.

That's the way *I* feel about *you*."

Caleb: "Cold.

What you DON'T know is that I was born with mad karate skills.  So your attempted punching would be met with my tiny fists of fury.  I would then take my first piss of life on your bloody face and whip you with my umbilical cord. After locking you in a basement until I was 16 (and could get my license), I would reenter the Delorean, go back farther in time and stop the birth of each NKOTB.

Suck that one."

Krust: "Yeah but see I actually escaped from the basement, traveled forward in time, and banged each of the New Kids (except instead of banging Danny I just did Joe twice...Danny's gross...) before you had a chance to negate their existence. Soooo....since I already banged 'em, you wiping them off the face of the earth was really no consequence to me.

Oh...and I slipped you some roofies, took you with me in the time machine, and took pictures of you with all the New Kids' wieners in your mouth....even Danny. No no no wait...ESPECIALLY Danny."

Caleb: "Curse you!

Do you realize how many alternate realities our hate-fantasies have created? 

Hope you're happy.  You could have avoided all this by just buying me a sandwich!"

Krust: "I know, right? Sometimes in life we miss the simplest solutions. I'm pretty sure we just royally hatef*cked the space-time continuum.

Our bad."

This is our standard level of maturity.  Please note that, because I hate the red, squiggly auto correct lines,  I had to add to the dictionary: "Stanky" "Vajeen" "Delorean" and "Hatef*cked." Oh, and "NKOTB."