Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Entry 124: Caleb And Krust Threaten The Universe Over A Sammich

If your friend was starving you would buy them a sandwich, right?  Isn't that what friends are for?  Well recently I needed a sammich, and my friend Krust decided she wasn't going to give me one.  Here's the email conversation that ensued:

*It should be noted that Krust is a rabid, psychotic, and unstable New Kids On The Block fan.

Me: "Had you answered your phone, perhaps I could have had a delicious and fulfilling lunch.  As it is, I had a bag of peanuts and some chips.

Hope you're happy."

Krust: "All the Whos down in Whoville cried boooooooo hooooooooooooooooo..... ;)"

Caleb: "If I had a Delorean, I would go back in time to where you still believed in Santa.  Then I, with cackling glee, would tell you there was no Santa and watch you cry.

Get back in the car, go back again, repeat.

That's the way I feel about you."

Krust: "Oh yeah? Well...what you don't realize is I was just *pretending* to cry so that you would be preoccupied with your cackling...thus giving me the opportunity to kick you square in the jimmy, steal the Delorean, go even further back in time, and punch you in the neck as soon as  you emerged from your mom's stanky vajeen.

That's the way *I* feel about *you*."

Caleb: "Cold.

What you DON'T know is that I was born with mad karate skills.  So your attempted punching would be met with my tiny fists of fury.  I would then take my first piss of life on your bloody face and whip you with my umbilical cord. After locking you in a basement until I was 16 (and could get my license), I would reenter the Delorean, go back farther in time and stop the birth of each NKOTB.

Suck that one."

Krust: "Yeah but see I actually escaped from the basement, traveled forward in time, and banged each of the New Kids (except instead of banging Danny I just did Joe twice...Danny's gross...) before you had a chance to negate their existence. Soooo....since I already banged 'em, you wiping them off the face of the earth was really no consequence to me.

Oh...and I slipped you some roofies, took you with me in the time machine, and took pictures of you with all the New Kids' wieners in your mouth....even Danny. No no no wait...ESPECIALLY Danny."

Caleb: "Curse you!

Do you realize how many alternate realities our hate-fantasies have created? 

Hope you're happy.  You could have avoided all this by just buying me a sandwich!"

Krust: "I know, right? Sometimes in life we miss the simplest solutions. I'm pretty sure we just royally hatef*cked the space-time continuum.

Our bad."

This is our standard level of maturity.  Please note that, because I hate the red, squiggly auto correct lines,  I had to add to the dictionary: "Stanky" "Vajeen" "Delorean" and "Hatef*cked." Oh, and "NKOTB."



  1. Hahaha!! You are insane! I'm almost envious of your friendship with someone on the same level of ridiculous humor as yourself but please... What the hell is NKOTB??

  2. Thanks just for asking! New Kids On The Block. She actually had a license plate made that said "HNGNTUF" in honor of their '80s hit: "Hanging Tough."