Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Entry 142: I Lost An iPhone, But Gained Maturity. And Pants.

Some of you longtime readers may recall that very few things in this world send me into a rage. Losing things, however, does. So I was surprised this weekend when I showed a lot of maturity by not going on a rampage when I temporarily lost my new iPhone.

Tangential story: I got a new iPhone, it's awesome, I can upload ridiculous pictures straight to Facebook and even have an application for fake texts. More on that later.  Also, if you're curious about what else sends me into spiraling hate-fevers: hiccups.  Seriously- I have left bars, parties, and fun events merely because a case of hiccups wouldn't go away.

My first all left-handed drawing! 

ADD-return-to-topic time.

Anyway, I was drinking a few (read: 30+) beers on Sunday at The Cave and lost my phone somewhere between leaving there and arriving at the bar to drink more beers and a half bottle of tequila.  (Note: that's not a good idea.) The next morning I awoke on my bed, sprawled out Vesuvian man style, fully dressed and with everything in my pockets from the night before except my phone. This morning I found my phone.  The story of what happened in between is instructive, and I'll share it with you since you'd rather hear this story than work, obviously.

What to do in the event of you losing your phone: By Caleb Shreves

Start here. Not pictured: iPhone

1. Check obvious places, wear pants.

First you want to piece together where you might have been between the last time you had your phone and now.  If you're hungover and likely still drunk, I recommend guzzling some coffee and maybe a few warm beers just to get your brain firing again.  And if you have to step outside to check your car, I definitely recommend remembering to wear pants.  Trust me.*  Did you pass out on a couch?  Perhaps your phone slid out of your pocket when you were fumbling to find your last crumpled up bills to buy that last shot of tequila? Nope, you've checked the obvious places and now it's time to get creative.  So slam that warm Mike's Hard Lemonade you found outside (how'd that even get there, you wonder?) and hop on your 1983 Honda Nighthawk 650 to go revisit all the places you went last night.  
*if, when you step outside, it takes you longer than 1 minute to realize you're not wearing pants, go back to bed. 

2. Retrace your steps, blame others.

At this point you've officially lost your phone.  You'll likely feel the indignant sting of universe-totes-not-being-fair and feel your anger rise, but don't give in to your hate-devil just yet.  DO, however, name your hate-devil.  I recommend "Wally" or "Clyde." Also at this point it's best to redirect your shame at drunken misplacements by subtly accusing everyone you see of somehow being involved in a nefarious phone-stealing plot.  When you go to your cousin's house where you drank all day and don't find your phone, be sure to give him a suspicious glance and say something like "Gee... that's funny.  You saw me with it all day and now suddenly you DON'T know where I lost it?  Weird." And leave.

If you go to check the last bar you were at, but it's closed on Mondays for unknown reasons, you'll probably want to loudly pound on the door for several minutes, hoping that maybe someone is there who can open the place up so you can look around.  They're not, and people on the street will look at you funny, but fuck 'em. Don't let their "oh I'm awesome cuz I still have my phone" smugness get you down.  They probably have typhoid anyway.

New hairdo not included.

3. Complain loudly about your missing phone, blame more people .

Now your phone is officially lost, you've checked the obvious places and it hasn't turned up, and you're ready to regroup and think rationally.  Don't do it.  Try and find every person you saw the night before and accost them without warning about your phone.  "Where is it!!" you demand.  "Where's what?  What are you talking about, Caleb?"  "My phone!  What'd you do with it??!" and give them that crazy look you've been practicing in your rearview mirror.  That look that says "yeah, I'll eat a live squirrel on a dare." There's about a 0% chance that any of the people you blame actually had anything to do with you losing your phone, but you'll get a warm fuzzy feeling just by making the accusations. Wally will be pleased.

4. Use science and stuff.

LJ had a brilliant idea that was just crazy enough to try.  Her theory was that I had to get into the same mental state as the night before in order to effectively recall what I had done with my phone.  I googled some shit about it and apparently there's like, doctors and shit who have done tests showing that this works.  If you're studying for a big test, study in the same conditions you'll take the actual test in (good advice for you LSAT takers out there).  If you have a performance for something, practice it in the same way you're going to perform it.  If you got absolutely hammered all day and night and lost your phone, well... I think you see where this was heading.

At about 6 beers into this plan you'll likely have your first epiphany.  "Wait!" you say, "I do sort of remember getting my phone out at the bar to show someone a picture of my 5 year old cousin with his head and feet inside empty cases of miller lite!"  Great- now we have a starting point for finding your phone!  Keep those beers comin'.

Around 12 beers you'll likely get another revelation that will likely seem like that "aha! I know where it's at!" moment.  Maybe you actually didn't drive yourself home (because you're totes responsible) and your phone is in someone else's car!  Immediately find that person and order them to stop whatever they're doing for a full-on car search.   When you dont' find it, your initial excitement will fade back towards rage and it's time to get back to drinking.

Keep drinking and having a good time, but make sure to interrupt periods of good-time-having with sudden random outbursts.  "I WANT MY PHONE!!!"  then "too bad about those Cubs today..." then "WHERE IS IT!!!" followed by "I love those shoes on you!"  After enough beers you'll likely start to intermingle your comments.  This is good.  "Hey could I get another Bud Light and while you're back there could you FIND MY FUCKING PHONE??" is a good one.  Or, "remember that time that we had an amusing adventure together and let's fondly reminisce about it and by the way I HAD A PHONE THEN." Good stuff.  Nothing makes new friends like alternating bouts of good cheer and sullen yelling.

I mean, how could you *not* share this?

5. Give up, loser.

It's gone.  Gone for good.  You tried to recreate the conditions of when you lost the phone, you've exhausted every reasonable and logical possibility in your search, and you've made sure that everyone around you is aware of how you feel about losing your phone.  Good work.  At this point it's okay to reward yourself with some amusing distractions.  Maybe a roll in the hay, or a drunken 3am bike ride on an icy road, or maybe you put your cat in the freezer until she "learns some manners." Whatever you want- you've earned it.  Go to bed.

6. Acceptance, slight pangs of guilt, and the first place you should have looked.

There's almost always some sort of clue, right under your nose, that you've been missing all along. Perhaps as you clean your kitchen counter you see a mess of cheap Campbell's soup cans, empty ramen noodle bags, and a pot full of some strange-smelling meal still sitting on your stove.   

"Wait..." you think, "if I drunkenly made food, and it's gone, then I probably ate it.   Usually when I eat stuff I like to sit down places.  If I was hammered and eating this strange ramen noodle/Campbell's soup/chicken lunchmeat extravaganza, I would have probably sat in my chair.  Yup- look!  Dumb and dumber is still up on Netflix and paused at the scene where Lloyd says 'Harry- I took care of it!' [total Lolz]!"

So check under the cushion of your chair, and... BINGO.  There it is, with 17 missed calls, 5 voicemails, 9 texts, and inexplicably set to silent.

7. Scold your phone, refuse to apologize to people you falsely accused.

Pretty much self-explanatory, right?  Don't go easy on your phone, either. Bad phone!

I can't stay mad at you...

I hope you appreciate how far I've come to have handled a phone loss like this with such grace and maturity.  Gone are the days where I would stomp through the house, flinging cushions, pans, and cats around while making up angry lyrics to Garth Brooks songs. Nope, not anymore.  I have a foolproof and responsible 7 step plan to dealing with loss now, so losing things isn't quite as scary of a prospect as it used to be.

Just don't let it happen again.

Caleb "can't wait to show you how fun the fake-a-text app is!" Shreves


  1. How devastating! At least you have a plan now. I lost mine in my living room one night when I knew I hadn't been anywhere else. I was going nuts!

  2. hahahahahahah clips for mittens - and for caleb's cell phone. Yup sounds like a plan.

  3. I'm so glad to know there is a 7-step program for people like if we could just find a way to make me stop drunk texting...

  4. Good plan, except for one thing.

    You never need pants.

    Take that as a compliment, because I wouldn't say that to all da peeps out there. But if I'm willing in a fit of hungover-awful-deadness to run outside to your car in a nightgown at noon on a Sunday (on the busy street where once you forgot to put your car in park), to retrieve 'make-this-death-stop' don't need pants to go search your car.

  5. I lose all perspective when something goes missing. I threw a mini-fit when I couldn't find my teaspoon at work. How the hell was I going to eat my yoghurt now?? Clearly someone STOLE it. Yes, that was the most reasonable explanation. Argh! I went on a mad tear, cursing the spoon thief. I found it buried under some papers about 10 mins later. Damn cleaning staff must've done that! (shh... It was me, don't tell).

  6. I wonder how far back your memory can go when you get back into that great state of mind. I lost car keys when I was drunk off of Smirnoff Ice when I was 17. Hmmmm, get me a 6 pack, a bucket to puke in, and your mentality, and I think I could find them! Ha. Glad you found your phone, and yes, can't wait to see that fake text app. Pure evil.

  7. This fake text app intrigues me!

  8. I'm glad I'm not alone in losing-things-rageness. Seriously, it drives me nuts. And Krissy- I know it must have been tough to find someone to blame when you were the only one around, but I trust that you found a way?

    JS- Don't encourage her. She's bad enough as it is.

    LJ, I'm still surprised that you didn't even hesitate to offer to run outside in that nightgown. You didn't see it as odd until I mentioned that maybe, just maybe, it was inappropriate outside garb. Well played.

    Esme- I've got some ideas on that. Not good ones, but ideas. Phones should be like HAL, where you have to convince them of your sobriety. But boy, are they skeptical. At least they should be.

    Manders- you're spot on. CLEARLY it was stolen. Even when faced with direct evidence, never give up your baseless accusations. It's the American way.

    TGN- Hey chica! I've wondered that too, and every once in a while I'll get a flash (while drunk of course) of something that happened years ago, triggered I'm sure by the fact that I'm precisely the same amount of drunk. Maybe recall would be even better if I was in the same place, with the same lame pink shirt on, and was still dating a possibly crazy girl who was likely to knife me. Is it worth the effort though? And the app... yeah. Evil is already spreading. Just you wait. Posted some already on the FB page!

  9. I have a somewhat kind of similar drinking-with-iPhone story. I think I should probably blog about it too, I didn't even think of it.

    But the iPhone is fucking awesome isn't it? I love it.

    Also, I commented on Steam Me Up Kid's FB today and I saw a Caleb Shreeves had commented on it too and I was like, "Hmmm... I wonder if that's the same Caleb" and then I read this blog and see that it is. You'll be getting a friend request soon. Very soon.

  10. Cake, I love how you made your imminent friend request sound so ominous and slightly threatening.

    And Caleb, you really need to rethink your drunken culinary choices. I eat some randomly nasty shiz but the description of your late night concoction kinda made me wanna gag.

  11. Yeah, Cake... very ominous. I've accepted it, but only reluctantly. My computer didn't explode though, so that's worry number 1.

    And yes, it's FUCKING awesome. Except Bejeweled- that can eat my nuts.

    Vapid. It probably made me gag too, and in my gagging my phone slipped from my pocket. A likely story, considering the sheer amount of ramen noodles involved.

    (PS shh.... I didn't even cook it... someone else had the great idea. So give me SOME credit!) ((okay, fair enough, yeah- I ate it, but I don't remember eating it so it doesn't count. Agreed?))

  12. Guess I'm the only one whose eyes well up with those little thingsthat taste salty when I lose my Crackberry?

    You are hilarious with this step-by-step. I'm normally pretty drunk when I lose my phone and would never have thought of tossing back a few more martini's to bring the memory back! Good stuff.

    Oh and this fake text thing?? You gotta share the goods on that!

  13. ohiSOwantto leave a witty commet, but my children are literally falling apart at the seams. there are arms, legs, eyeballs, and MUCH angst and crying while their father went to GO SEE A BAND. i would LOVE to read tons of blogs for inspiration, but CANNOT. see the aforementioned kids. four of them. two teens, one preteen, and one four year old. maybe you would do this reading for me and just give me tips? thanks, i knew you would. now i try to say something about pants and iphones, but have no idea what you really wrote because all i can hear is screaming from upstairs, and i've had way too much wine.

  14. The moral of the story actually is that you shouldn't by any Apple products.

  15. MDH- sounds like you really have a unique way of coping with phone-losing. Lucky guys! And don't worry- I will.

    Allison. Wows. Are you really just subtly reminding me to always pull out? Too much?

    Anroo- name change? Sigh. I would totally agree with you, except on iPhones. LJ has a mac that is possessed by the devil.

  16. @Cake Betch...just how many Caleb Shreves are there in the world? Srsly. Too lazy to google.

    Really Caleb, were 12 steps just too much?

  17. Mollie- 2. And I'm older than the other one. I friended him on Facebook to tell him that I get first dibs on everything Caleb. End of story.

    And 12 steps? That's for Quakers.

  18. I would tell you about the "Find my iPhone" app, but then I wouldn't get to read fun posts like this. So I'm not going to tell you about it.

  19. Mark, you're welcome as always.

    Lucky. Oh, my sweet Lucky. I'm well aware of the app you speak of, but -fun fact- you have to have your phone to activate it. Which, of course, I didn't.

    Oh, and when you go to activate it? Please enter your apple ID. You mean the one I buy apps with? No, not that one. Well... what's the password to that? You don't know either? Wait- maybe it's the one for my iTunes (I hate iTunes) account? Wait- do I have one of those? I already created one? Well... can I create another?

    So I have my app account, my .me account, my itunes account, my apple account... some of which were created years ago when I first had an iphone. Where does this "find my stupid phone" app lie in the mix of all this?

    Nobody knows, lucky. Nobody knows.

    I think I'm going with Krust's suggestion and getting mitten strings. Seems more practical for me.

  20. I don't think I could resist hiding stuff from you, and then watch! hehe So funny :o)

  21. this is great, my phone is ALWAYS on silent when i lose it )its like it knows im about to do something stupid and wants to make the situation worse for me)

    im going to remember your foolproof plan and maybe next time i find my phone in the fridge casually chilling with the mature cheddar it would have taken me less time to get to that point

  22. Shreves,

    Bite me! You and Karol were hungry, I made the damn food in a hurry and with little to work with. It actually was good, and what the hell do you expect at 3 in the morning!

    I like how you took credit for feeding yourself until someone pointed out that it sounded gross. Then (as usual) it was someone else's fault. Nice.

    Oh...BTW... I told you 3 freaking times the next day where you feel asleep that night. Had you shut up and listened instead of muttering, "Where's my fucking phone" every 5 seconds, you may have realized it's location sooner.


    Next time I'll feed dog food & arsenic.