Thursday, June 30, 2011

Entry 144: Where The Whores Is

When Ceaser built the Eiffel tower, he said his inspiration came from boredom and too much coffee.  Or something like that, I don't know- it's not like I pay attention to things.  But anyway, like Ceaser, most of my random conversations are due mainly to the same factors.  Many times I hear the question "are we really talking about this?" in mid-conversation, which is totally rude considering I'm trying to enlighten you out of my own good intentions.  You're welcome, life.

So recently I had a (brief) moment of self-reflection where I realized that a conversation that had just happened had, in fact, happened.  Determined to share with you what an ordinary conversation with me might look like, I immediately transcribed it to the best of my ability and checked it with my friend, RM, who I had just had the conversation with.  We sometimes do the weekly crossword, but often get delayed due to awesome conversations like this.

Here it is:

RM: "Are you ready to do the crossword now?"
Me: "Yeah, sorry, I had to re-post all my toys on Craigslist."
RM: "Toys?"
Me: "Yeah, I have several I need to sell.  And when I do, I'm totally going to be responsible with the money."
RM: "Your eyes make me doubt you."
Me: "Okay, half responsible.  I'll use half to pay for ::does air quotes:: 'Bills', and half on booze and whores.  Well, booze anyway.  Not sure how much whores are... ::considers:: Are they expensive? What's the going rate for whores nowadays, anyway?"
RM: "Um.  I don't know."
Me: "Ballpark.  Be reasonable."
RM: "I don't know.  Why would I know that?"
Me: "I'm just asking for an educated guess here.  Are we talking $20?  $10,000?  I just want to get an estimate."
RM: "A $20 whore doesn't sound like it'd be good."
Me: "Do you suppose $100 would do?  You know, for one nights work?  Maybe they operate like hotels and if you're still in past 11AM the next morning they charge you another stay."
RM: "Gross.  I think $100 sounds a bit cheap for a whore."
Me: ::sighs:: "You're probably right.  What about $250?  Straight up.  From the dinner hour through the evening.  Dancing optional."
RM: "You're going to buy your whore dinner?"
Me: "Buy her dinner?  Fuck no! I just gave her $250- I think she can afford a Subway sammich!"
RM: "You're really [at this point we don't remember if she said A)an idiot, B) cheap, or C)a fucking retard] you know?"
Me: ::wonders what whores eat:: "Anyway.  On to logistics."
RM: ::sigh::
Me: ::ignores:: "Where are the whores at?  I mean, where do you get them?"
RM: "I don't know where whores are.  Why would I know that? You seem to think I know a lot about whores."  ::casts suspicious glance my way::
Me: ::ignores:: "If you had to guess though? Downtown?  The Library?  Do they come out in the day or are they like Vampires? Oh! Oh! Are they still on Craigslist?? Under... erotic massage was it?"
RM: "No, they had to shut that section down remember?"
Me: "Oh right right right.... where'd they move to? Recreational vehicles?  Home appliances?"
RM: "Yes Caleb.  Home appliances.  That's where they went.  Can we do the crossword now?"
Me: ::rubs hands in maniacal glee:: "Yes... yes we can.  I'll BRB."  ::darts away towards desk::
RM: "No! No whore shopping! We have to do the crossword!"
Me: [yelling from my desk now] "Two minutes!"
RM: [yelling] "God!  I just wanna do the CROSSWORD!!"
Me: [yelling] "Two minutes I say!"
RM: [yelling] "Said that before, haven't ya!?"
Me:  ::ponders::  "Shut up, that's why!"

But it kind of gets you thinking, doesn't it?  Where are there whores?  What DO they cost?

It occurs to me that I know more about zombies than whores.  For shame.

Also, I found this:

Yes, it says "Luv Box"


  1. i saw the image of the Luv Box and was really hoping you found it on Craigslist. you know, in the "erotic massages/ escort services/ luv box" section.

  2. hahahahahahahahaha
    gigglespaz... stealing it.

  3. I'm not even sure where she found the "luv box." I think it was Walmart of all places. I guess they DO have everything.

    And gigglespaz... pure excellence. I thank cakebetch for that one, though I think she stole it. If I had to guess, I'd say steamme is the originator.

  4. How did I not see that status update?

    Also? I'm pretty sure we could destroy nations if we were to ever converse in person. We are of the same mind.

  5. RM your girlfriend? cuz that is no way to get laid, my friend!

    i've tried it.

  6. Andrew- agreed. Hopefully the universe knows better than to ever pair us up.

    HC- No, I'm dating a different acronym. And let's agree to disagree- I think whore speculation is an excellent approach to sexy time.

  7. Is the luv-box shaped like a sandwich?? With a picture of a heart with a piece of pie in it? I'm confused by the luv-box. Not surprising, really.

  8. Were all confused by the luv box, sharla.

  9. See, the real problem with the Luv Box is you. Because, you (OK, us too) are a sick minded, twisted, delusional excuse of a human being, and you see a hilarious thing to mock when presented with the Luv Box.

    In truth, it was probably created by some loving (read: smothering) mother for her young child (actually a 40 year old recluse) to carry their sandwhich to school (read: psychiatrist) while knowing that the mother provided the lunch out of love (read: emotional terrorism.)

    See, there is a totally logic and sweet reason for the Luv Box.

  10. The Luv Box was one of many things thrown into Caleb's cart at Walmart when I was brought along for his 'food shopping' extravaganza. I threw in some dips that went with nothing he had bought, there was some dog food in there at one point (note: caleb has 2 cats + 0 dogs), and I think there was a 'Happy 3rd Birthday from Barney!' card in there, too.

    However, seeing him in a bout of semi-responsibility (aka buying food when I thought he had just sustained himself on beer and half of my cheeseburgers at the bar), I decided to take the items out of the cart that he had not a) chosen, or b) noticed.

    The LuvBox, however. It needed to stay. I didn't have such high hopes for the blog attention, but hey. He's a big fan of my Luvbox!