Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Entry 143.5: In Defense Of My Previous Post. Also, Why Facebook Stalking Is A Viable Pastime.


In my previous post, I mentioned my twin, a Slippery Dick, hostage blue Doritos, and the benefits of the iPhone.  But all of that was a roundabout way of showing you what, I felt, was the best father/son picture ever taken.  My friend Andrew from the blog Too Much Pressure (read it!) with his dad. Here it is again for you ADD-can't-remember-anything crowd:

Pirate baby, right?  Well, actually, Kimmie thought he looked like a baby popeye.  Spot on, Kim.

Well, Andrew- while appreciative of the flattery- felt that this baby picture was not representative of his typical baby cuteness.  He had this to say in the comments:

Vapid Vixen [who said this this picture was effective birth control], this is an absolutely terrible picture of me. Because Caleb obviously hates me and couldn't use one that had me looking cute. Because usually I was cute. My mom wrote on the back of this one, "Buggers!" Yeah, I have no idea what the hell she was talking about... 

Well, I didn't want Andrew to think that I had somehow maliciously picked out his goofiest looking picture just for the amusement of myself and my readers, so I decided to do some investigating and see if, in fact, most of his baby pictures were cute.  Had I found one anomalous picture?  Was this an outlier?

Turns out Andrew was right, and I was wrong.  He left a bevy (::crosses 'use the word bevy' off the to-do list::) of evidence pictures on Facebook, and I'd like to set the record straight now by showing you what a typical picture of young Andrew looks like.  We'll start here:

Ah-dorable. The perfectly fitted hat, the artfully placed freckles... in fact, if you look closely, you can see the loving craftsmanship that went into designing the patches over the knee.  Score one for Andrew.

And how about this gem?

I don't know what I like more in this picture, the snappy overalls or the baby-on-one-leg pose.  If you look closely, you can see a bit of the popeye face on young Andrew.  

In this oh-so-adorable picture I won't even point out which one is Andrew.  See if you can guess!

I think that Andrew and I have a lot in common.  I too was always "that guy" that had to be different in every picture, never face the camera, and had inordinate pride in my overly-large and oblong head.  We suffer in silence, Andrew.

Cuuute!  Once again we see a hint of the Popeye face here, but nothing as intense as the original picture from Entry 143.  Though the distress and obvious escape attempt in this picture is telling, it's still much cuter than the one I picked out.  Touche.

You know what's cute?  No, no... not just the too-short pants.  And not the brown shoes or even the perfectly symmetrical hair part.  Nope- look closer.  The epic tenderness used to hold that rabbit in place on the fern bridge?  Beautiful.

So after reviewing the evidence, I've come to realize that I needed to set the record straight and show people that Andrew was right, I picked the one strange picture he had, and show you the rest of the pictures so you could gain the proper context.

Oh! Oh! Because I can:


Sorry Andrew.  That's just... the most ridiculous picture I've ever seen.  On the plus side, I didn't submit any of these to   But maybe YOU should!  And I want t-shirts made up with the original father/son picture by next Father's Day.  I stand by my assertion: best. picture. ever.

In fairness, one day I promise to divulge a few of my embarrassing kiddy pics.  I, uh, have some bad ones.

Caleb "sets the record straight" Shreves

PS In other news, I was awarded "Reader of the Decade" by the Cubs site   Epic.

PPS In an effort to create balance in The Force, I'll include ONE actual cute Andrew baby picture.  Hope you're happy. 


PPPS wait... wait... more balance needed.  Here's one ugly baby, not Andrew. 

There we go... ::sighs::  Balance, restored.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. In my defense for the Huckleberry Finn pictures, my parents made me do this for a home school project where we had to dress up as literary characters. Everyone thought I was adorable (morons) so I was then dragged to Olan-Mills. Apparently the people thought the pictures turned out so well that they were then used in stores around the country. One of them was also included on the website Sexy People. I'm famous!

    In the Christmas picture...I don't know. My grandma was always doing stuff like that when I was little.

    In the ones of me with my cousins, my grandma (a different one from the one pictured above) wanted a picture with all of her grandchildren. Those were the good old days when I was the baby of the family, & there were only 7 of us (instead of the 10 there are now with 10 great-grandchildren). On another note, one of my cousins in this picture just recently got arrested at a Phish concert. Can you guess what it was for?

    The one of me crying on the couch was basically me being irritated that my mother was sick & not giving me attention. My dad was obviously helping the situation by taking a picture instead of taking care of me.

    The one of the rabbit was some Easter promotion thing when I was 12. It was before I had braces & was able to pick out my own clothes or do my own hair. There's really no excuse.

  3. Hahaha, these are epic! Andrew, you should be proud that all your pictures are out here for all to see. The bunny one, classic. Who comes up with that shiznit!?

  4. I have no idea. I was way too old to being doing that, though. Also? That stupid rabbit bit me. Turd.

  5. These.. are too good.

    I must confess, it made me curious to see what little Huck Finn looks like now.

    Sorry Andrew, I Facebook stalked you for a couple minutes.

  6. I feel violated.

    But seriously. It's ok. If I minded I would have the Facebook badge on my blog.

  7. And by would, I mean wouldn't.

  8. You know, some people like to be violated. Just sayin'...

    And P.S. You outgrew the Huck Finn, and are a fetching young man.

  9. i stand by andrew's assertion, you obviously picked the only weird one. obviousleeeeee.

    and that ugly not nelms baby at the bottom is one ugly fuck. am i allowed to say that about a baby? probably not.

    this all makes me want a post dedicated to me and my awesomeness, i'm officially jealous of andrew. officially as in, it's official.

  10. Um, Andrew? You're saying that, as a small child your picture was - with permission- put up on a site called sexy people? I need to speak with your mother.

    And I know a guy with two thumbs who doesn't mind being violated. Wait- that joke won't make sense if you can't see me. Shit.

    Aubree. I was a bit concerned about calling a baby "ugly," but I'm glad you took it up a notch and called a baby "one ugly fuck." Awesome. And be careful what you wish for- I have a way of making women's dreams come true. Well, maybe not in the way they hoped, but. Okay. Not at all.


  11. As if you couldn't already tell, I have no problems insulting babies. If he's ugly, he's ugly. No reason to pussy-foot around it (hehe...pussy).

    Also, as if you didn't already know, the Sexy People thing was just a few months ago. Moron.

  12. And thank you for the compliment, Housewife <3

  13. This post was awesomeness all around. Andrew, your ugly baby honor has been vindicated. You were indeed an adorable child. Well done Caleb! Let the baby making commence! Actually Caleb, not you and LJ, you're both much too young. That goes for you too Andrew. No baby making for any of you!

  14. Andrew, it still sounds like a kid picture was put up on the site. Whenever it was done... still. Creepers.

    Vapid- I've seen your avatar pic. You're like... 12. My Great-Grandma had a brood by the time she was 19!

    Yeah... skankery is genetic I guess.

  15. LOLOLOLOLOLOL they drew freckles on him and put him in a straw hat????? Please, please, convince him to submit that to awkwardfamilyphotos. That would be hysterical.

  16. Thank you, Vixen. You have no idea how much that boosts my self-esteem.

    Cake, I've thought about it. And I probably will. Considering there's a whole series of photos, they'd really have their pick.

    And for the record, I already have a lot of freckles. But my mother....sigh.

  17. Hahhahhaa! That last baby looks like Random Task from Austin Powers.

    Great post, dude!!