Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Entry 134: Too Much White Powder Can End A Party In More Ways Than One

Duh! Winning!

I'm thinking of starting every post with that from now on... what do you think?

Okay, kidding.  But I WILL show you this picture:

But I digress.

For the following story I'm going to hearken back to the days of yore...

Back in 2002-2003ish, I lived in a charming duplex with one of my BFFs, Jenkins.  Click his name to read about some of his shenanigans... and know that I could probably make my next 30 posts about stories of him or the two of us polluting the universe.  His hobbies include Fa-Donking, Bomb Burritos, and drunken gymnastics. He's also the reason that Nair now comes with new warning labels:

Jenkins and I lived in the main floor and basement of an old house, and a girl we knew lived in a separate apartment upstairs.  Since we were young idiots we thought the house was great, though my dad still speaks of the place with the same tone he reserves for hooker-filled crack houses or dumpsters full of hobos in Moldova.  I'm paraphrasing based on memory, but if you ask him about it now he usually says something like:

"I'll never know how you spent a single day in that shit-heap of a house.  It was the worst thing I've ever seen.  Had I known how bad it was from the beginning, I would have faked my own death to collect the life insurance and put you up in a decent apartment for a year.  And Jenkins lived in the basement- THE BASEMENT!  You were at least spared from some of the millipedes, dirt, mold, and what-have-you by being upstairs, but that poor kid could have DIED!"

It really is just a matter of perspective though. For instance, the stairs down to the basement included a  very green and trendy feature:

My first attempt at drawing stairs.  

As you can see, the stairs were actually built directly into the ground.  So, in essence, the outside was part of the inside.  Which, kids, is how babies are born.

While we didn't make any babies in our shit-hole house (well, probably not), we decided one day to celebrate our "holy shit we're, like, fucking ADULTS!" house by throwing a massive party filled with underage kids.  Though for the most part each group of music students sort of partied on their own, Jenkins and I thought we could use our powers to summon them all together into one party.  Like how the Planeteers summoned Captain Planet.

That's how you draw black people, right?

It worked, we had a massive amount of people show up at the house, and we perfected the "frozen lemonade but use beer instead of water" drink for all to enjoy.  I'm not naming it, because I've seen fights break out because people disagree on what to call it.  I call it delicious. 

Oh, speaking of Asians.  There were two of note at this party:  our great friend, Natty, who once beat me out of a 1st place trophy at a high school jazz fest (no, I'm not bitter, fuck off) and my ex, Ethyl, when we were just starting to get a bit more serious about things.  Read: she hadn't done anything crazy yet.

Everyone was having a grand ol' time, the music was hoppin', and I was downstairs telling hilarious jokes to young co-eds.  As it usually does, the universe decided to break up my game and throw in an event of awesome and unbelievable scale.  All of the sudden, the group of us in the basement heard from upstairs what sounded like a Dance, Dance, Revolution contest between a herd of wildebeests and Godzilla.  That was followed with screaming and what sounded like a rush to the front-door side of the house.  One drunk guy was heroic enough to scream down a warning to we basement-dwellers, but provided little in the way of information.

I'm working on the stairs.  Suck it. 

By this point we realized that everyone was stampeding towards the door, something was terribly wrong, and there was some sort of smoke cloud starting to fill the doorway and seep into the basement.  Jenkins and I ran up to investigate, and saw one of the most fucked-up scenes I've ever seen in my life.  Since I don't have a picture of the old house, and I'm certainly not capable of drawing it, I will show you the scene via a random picture of a house.  Before:

This looks, literally, nothing like our house.  Great job, Caleb.   

Here is the scene of devastation we saw when we got to the top of the stairs:

What the fuck, right?  It's like Charlie Sheen just sneezed in our kitchen.  As we cough and sputter, waving our hands in front of our face and finding the stereo to turn the music off, I see what you might see in the second picture there.  Yup.  Look closer.  CLOSER.   I'll zoom in on my drawing:

Our very old house had been equipped with a very old fire extinguisher, and poor half-drunken Natty accidentally knocked it off the kitchen wall where it fell to the floor.  There, its safeguards against accidentally going off failed and it flooded our entire upstairs with a cloud of white, cocaine like powder that I read is some combination of baking soda, water, and Justin Bieber's hair.

What was extra funny is that Natty was completely covered in white powder.  He looked like the scene in Ace Ventura 2 where Ace dusts for prints in the cage of the sacred bat.  In his typical unflappable manner, Natty held up the fire extinguisher and said "I think I know what happened."


Apparently huge commotions, screams, dozens of people stampeding out of a house, white powder seeping from the windows, and a fleet of getaway cars screaming down a residential street is enough to warrant the attention of the police, who showed up promptly about 30 minutes after the incident.  Whoever hadn't scattered, scattered.  That left me, as usual, as the "reasonable" person left to explain to the cops what the fuck had happened.  Which is awesome, because I love telling cops an outrageous story that is perfectly true.  I even showed the main cop the empty extinguisher.  When he saw how fucked up our entire house was, he had pity and gave me a warning.  He gave ME a warning, not Jenkins.  You know why?  Jenkins had vanished.  Ninja-style.  Gone.  I asked him the next day what happened:

No, I suppose they don't.  Lesson learned. 

If you were wondering, most of the white dust finally settled and we spent a day cleaning and vacuuming.  The shit was honestly everywhere though.  Everywhere.  When we moved out and two friends of ours moved in, they STILL complained that they found the white "Natty-Dust" everywhere.   Probably still some there today.

Caleb "It WAS an accident, right Natty?" Shreves


  1. so charlie sheen is why everyone is saying winning? i'm clearly not up with the times.
    one time some crazy kids at my store "activated" (not sure what the term is) a fire extinguisher and got it all over one of the departments. cleaning it up sucked (y'know, for those who did clean it up, i didn't of course) so cleaning it up in a house must really suck.

  2. I only recently found and started reading your blog. You totally crack me up and I love your illustrations!

  3. considering i lived in that house after you guys, i'd believe anything you said that involved destructive behavior in there. THOSE HOUSE CENTIPEDES WERE EFFING TERRIFYING THOUGH, FOR REALS.

  4. I laughed like 6 times throughout this thing, which is crazy because I have a fever and I'm usually too confused to understand stuff when I'm sick. I'm like one of the Queen's fluffyhat soldiers. Unflappable. You flapped me, sir. *removes glove, slaps you across the face*

  5. Apparently I'm too confused to comment as well.

  6. Thanks, Cake! Love comments like that!

    Aubree- yes. I'll send you the awesome SNL video in a minute.

    Jill- HEY! No shit- I saw bugs down there that I didn't know existed. Think Jenkins might have ate some of them... that might explain some things. Thanks for commenting- you add some truthiness and authenticity to the post!

    SMUK- Ah, Becky. My favorite part about your comments is the fact that they're 30 minutes apart. Like, you left this comment that sort of made sense, then your fever went down a half hour later and you were like "WTF! I've got to say something!" And you did. And, you, did. Plus, I like numerical metrics for laughter. 6? Awesome, but I can beat it. *goes back down to the lab*

  7. Haha, wow, your old place sounds....nice! I have inhaled some of that fire extinguisher dust before (no, not lined up on a mirror, or anything like that, just when it was in the air) and that stuff burns the lungs!! Holy. Anyways, glad you aren't living in the hole in the dirt anymore. And I though the stairs looked pretty good!

  8. I loveloveloved college boys' houses. Always where the best parties to be had were found. Ah (long, drawn out "ah"), the Boyd Street House. Parking on the grass. The basement I stayed far far away from.

    Your experience is very similar to what those boy-os provided.

    Well played.

  9. Thanks, TGN! I'm pretty sure our lungs are permanently scarred from living their. Jill's too (sorry Jill.) And yeah, stairs didn't turn out too bad. Plus, the spider kicks ass, so that distracts the eye a bit.

    Wouldn't have it any other way, Mollie. Luckily, since then I've grown up and become responsible not.

    Wait. "...responsible. Not!" That was the correct punctuation.

    "This suit is black not." -Borat

  10. What the hell???? That sounds more like the house of horrors! You're fricking hilarious and no... I don't think he looked black. Maybe a little Indian instead! Lol

  11. So you moved out of the dirt house, and you let two of your friends move in?

    Did you not like them very much??

  12. haha! you said "yore", and "natty dust"! in one post! i love it. but let it be known that i've been saying "i win" for years. charlie just stole it and adding the "ing". and the "'m" on the "i". also, i'm going to steal your quote of the day, and credit you to all my 26 followers. you'll be famous.

  13. Yore-friends! Yay! *up top*

    The best part is that she feeds me these quotes as part of everyday discourse, with no regard to the fact that I'm likely to steal them and showcase them to others. Sucker.

    Thanks, Wifey. Way to find my fault in the story and point it out. Spoiler! And no, they knew all about it. Probably.

  14. I think the animation may have topped your other forms of genius. Hilarious! I'm still trying to figure out how stairs can be inside and outside at the same time. Hmmm.

  15. lots of people, hoppin' music, and delicious boozy drinks make for good parties. but fire extinguisher mishaps, panicked stampedes, and police interventions make them EPIC.

  16. MDH- Indian people aren't charcoal grey. I don't think.

    LB@T We were still trying to figure it out too. Rest assured, between each stair- there was the dirt of "the earth." Weird. Plus, I think my forms of genius are at a tie.

    Manders- my thoughts exactly. Any group of college idiots can just have a party! The problem was that we rarely planned any of the epic-making events. Oh well.

  17. I am back with an award for you. It's on my blog at http://notaboutcake.blogspot.com/2011/03/versatile-blogger-award.html

  18. Thanks, cake! I love awards! Though, I don't do the "7 question" stuff. Sorrs.

    PS the "poker" cake looks really cool!

    Dr. Z- Bwwahahahaha! Art! Just kidding... thanks. Nice to get an endorsement from a DOCTOR. Probably a Dr. Of Art, too. Right?

  19. I love your posts. You seriously make me laugh like... I can't come up with a good analogy.

    P.S. Because of you, I hate word verification now. Thanks.

  20. "In a tree, son!"


    Great post. Had me LOLing.


  21. Thanks, Pearl! We midwesterners must all have the same f'd up sense of humor, huh? ;)

    Yes, I used an emoticon. It happens, move on.

    Jordan- analogies are totally overrated. I tried to tell Becky (steammeupkid) how awesome it was that she's been commenting, and I said it was like Jesus just dropped a deuce in my crapper.

    You know, like, my heart was in it. I meant well. But really... Jesus pooping is no way to tell someone "thanks." Holy shit put that sentence on a t-shirt!

  22. And what'r you talking about?? Because I hassled you incessantly about word verification? Because if you're saying that I, that fucking I, have word verification on, we have issues. We. Have. Issues. I will end you, Jordan. END YOU.

    I HATE word verification.

  23. So many prank ideas in one little blog. It's almost like you gift wrapped them for me.

    Thanks! Truly, thanks!

  24. hahahahaha... I can't think of anything clever to say, but this did make me laugh heartily. Good start to the morning.

  25. hahaha...hahahaaaaa...whooooo, GPA = desired boob size = academic probations, hahahaaaa. wait. is this a compliment OR a criticism of either smaller OR larger chested women? i'm not sure i'm not missing something. hate to be in the dark. also, you got SMUK commenting on your posts, i'm super jealous. when i grow up, and am not afraid my family will make my life a living hell, i want to write like her. man, the material i'd have if i'd grow a pair...

  26. Prank at your own risk, Kimmie. Ask Tonya.

    Thanks Sharla! And thanks for the smokes last night. You're a lifesaver.

    I know, right Allison? It's like the fact that it doesn't make much sense actually adds to its awesomeness. And it's definitely a shout-out to bigger-boobed girls- they're like catnip for him. He can't get enough of 'em!

    And yes, it is awesome. Trust me- I'm awed and humbled myself. I even tried to thank her by a compliment that had something to do with Jesus and pooping, but it didn't go so well. I'm not real good with compliments.

    She's definitely one of the 3 funniest chicks on the planet. Pearl (above) is also hilarious- read her stuff! And, of course I'm assuming you know of Allie at HaaH. omgz funny. My life goal? Getting HER to comment. I'm going to start writing weekly emails to her, petitioning her to read something of mine.

    She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

  27. btw, i wouldn't exactly say you guys broke too much of a sweat cleaning up after that mess. i distinctly recall a moderate dusting of that shit still embedded in the wood trim around the kitchen... we're probably all going to have lung cancer at 40 after spending so much time in that damn house."

  28. Just got some clarification....

    Bra sizes = grades. So, D's and F's (for big boobs) would be a low GPA. I get it now.

    That Nerv... what a guy.

  29. Why would you assume I would prank you with your own, already experienced disasters? Wow, spot on there, Shreves. Spot on.

    Just for that I won't let you participate in my summer-time torture fest upon our friends!

    And, really? Ask Tonya? You don't scare me, Boy!

  30. This was hilarious! Great story!

  31. Kim, shut up- that's why.

    (good one Caleb! Yes! Sick burn!)

    Thanks Mark! Tell your blender hi.

  32. LOL - I bet if you called Charlie Fucking Bi-Winning over he could have 'vacuumed' the whole place up in no time and then gone on to win and have tiger blood!

    Really, I hate Charlie, but I'm really starting to love quoting him. Also, last part of this story reminds me of a Dave Chappelle skit which makes me giggle. Fin.

  33. True story, Cakey.

    I've decided that you're pretty cool, hence you definitely must have seen every episode of Dave Chappelle. Cuz it was the funniest show EVER MADE. And you know I wouldn't make a statement like that lightly. I mean that shit.

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