Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Entry 133: I Should Probably Just Stop With The Whole Making-Out Thing

Why is it that when you put your life on the line to, say, save a child from a speeding car or a baby falling from a tree (they do that, right?) everyone thinks you're a hero.  Yet if you put yourself in harms way for the sake of a little 1st-3rd base action, it's "irresponsible" or even "hilarious?"  Well if "crazy you-almost-died-trying-to-get-some" stories come in threes, then I put the icing on the cake last week.  Fuck you, people who like metaphors to go together correctly.

Some of you readers already know the first 2 stories, so I'll only provide a brief recap.  Plus, I'm assuming- since you're reading this- that you're at least a little... slow, so I'll add some drawings to help you understand.  The first event was what I like to call "if a Caleb falls down in a hallway and only one half-dressed girl is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  Here's what happened:

*not drawn to scale.

While making out with LJ (aka The Lizard) I had her pushed against the hallway.  I wanted to lean back against the other side of the hall which, as you can see, would have been completely fine given where I was in the hallway.  The problem was that I drank lots of Tequila and I was actually in a different part of the hallway:

Basically I toppled, flatfooted, into my living room and bounced several times on the floor.  I managed to take a picture of LJ laughing at me:

She likes hats.

While embarrassing, this event wasn't as bad as the second event.  Well, they were both bad, but the first one had a lot less blood and more time spent conscious. 

Yes, I'll explain what happened for those of you too busy winning (duh) to read old posts.  I'm, uh, getting it on in bed (yes, drunk again, what's it to ya?) with LJ.  Here's the setup.  Note the very dangerous dresser filled with dangerous objects.  Oh and in case my drawings are hard to decipher, the dangerous items on the dresser- clockwise from the Liger- are: Liger, poison-tipped spear, war mace, TNT, ninja-sword.

I was going to go back and add some poisonous spiders and nun chucks to the dresser, but I'd be belaboring an already exaggerated point.  Because, you see, none of the dangerous items on the dresser actually posed the real threat.  No friends, allow me to zoom in for you on the corner of my dresser. 

5,000,000x magnification.

See it?  I knew you would.  A CORNER!  A sharp corner, too.  I think you can already put together the fact that I smashed my head on it.  Bad.  The graphic part of the story is that it occurred AT THE SAME TIME as... another thing.  Ok, pervs, yes- I was just about to get mine.  And did.  Except I passed out... a little bit.  Luckily I came to (OMG! OMG! OMG! Entendre overload!!) after a brief spell and went to the bathroom to check out my head.  I thought I was fine, but saw this:

Yeah, I know kids, graphic.  Oddly enough, in the throes of passion LJ hadn't realized what had happened until she came into the bathroom after to see what was up:

My grossest drawing yet.  Yay me!

No, I told her what happened.  And I'm sure she was sympathetic and concerned, but it was hard to tell with her crying laughing and me wiping blood from my face. 

Then I thought I was free from incidents for a while.  Until last week.  Tell you what, readers, I'm going to show you 4 pictures and you see if you can guess what happened.  Ready?  Go. 

My car.

Lots and lots of these.

4 Lane one-way road with side street parking. 

Car MO action.  (MO= making out for you noobs)

Got it yet?  Huh?  Okay, how about one more for you slow ones out there:

Surely you have it by now, right?  And for the last one of you out there to get this (I'm guessing... Andrew?  Becky?) I'll submit this:

Yup, 3AM, thought I was parked in front of LJ's house, just getting my MO on, when I hear that alarming yell.  Cars move really slowly when they're just drifting in drive, so I figure it must have taken me a good while to get 3 blocks down the street.  Here's where I thought I was parked in relation to LJ's house:

Now we'll send our bird and his eye higher up in the air so you can see where I actually was:

Sigh.  I know there's some sort of moral to this story- probably about sobering up and being "responsible"- but I just can't help but feel that all of these incidents aren't my fault.   I haven't figured out how they aren't my fault yet, but I'm working on it. 

Oh, and I wanted to thank my bird friend for telling me what this all looked like from above.  He has a keen eye for detail and a fantastic ability to relay what he sees so I can draw it accurately.  Thanks, friend.

Will do, buddy.  Will do.

Caleb "Winning! Duh." Shreves


  1. it's not your fault the hallway went and changed itself up on you. duh.
    and nice reference to andrew's "slowness", that was silly.

  2. I love that LJ just laughs it all off. Props to LJ and to you for giving her something to laugh about. I'm upset that I ended both of those sentences with a preposition.

  3. I just found your blog through Steamme. Just in the nick of time because I was just thinking how I should spice up the marriage with a little blood and fender benders. Seems like I should go for the crotchless panties instead.

  4. My husband and I once started kissing on the top of a hill...his foot must have not pressed the brake as hard as needed, and when we finished kissing...we were at the bottom of the hill. Thank God it was late at night and no one was behind us!

    I like the 2nd incident the best.....not the part about your head..but the whole awkwardness of it!


  5. i'm confused. is LJ a lizard or a monkey?

  6. Aubree, you are a regular Benedict Arnold. As are you, Caleb. Neither of you are winning right now.

  7. ^i think she's a hybrid lizard monkey. with wings.

    and i am NOT a benedict arnold. i'm a benedict aubree.

  8. Caleb using a Goddamn iMac. I hate iMacs!March 9, 2011 at 6:46 AM

    Ha! I think I'm going to start calling her a hybrid lizard monkey. Sounds very 'green' don't you think? We all have to do our part...

    Yes, she seems to have no shortage of laughter at these (or any) of my antics. In the first incident I literally hadn't even stopped bouncing before she had tears in her eyes and was doubled over laughing. Eventually she asked if I was okay.

    Tara- why limit yourself? Plus, who knows- crotchless panties might actually have saved these situations. I'm telling LJ- we'll never know unless we try.

    Andrew, 2 words: DUH! Winning!

  9. Aah hahahahahaNOW this was so much better than my morning coffee. I think this would be a great story for a 12 Stwep program! You're hilarious!

  10. Never stop making out! That's the best part... sometimes. Btw, if you're not exclusively dating LJ, I think you should be.

  11. Dear Readers (aka Caleb doesn't need to look at this) ~

    I'm glad I'm not the only sadist laughing at his ridiculous actions! Next time I'll take pictures and hijack the blog for a little posty-post. :)

    PS Not a hybrid lizard monkey. Although I'd like to think I was that cool.

    The real deal LJ

  12. Oh MAN talk about MO mode bad luck.

    suppose you should give it up by now.

  13. Miz Liz-
    If you ever want a guy to MO that isn't a complete drunken "look-at-me-I-have-the-art-skills-of-a-four-year-old-that-ate-paint-chips-and-my-mother-fell-down-stairs-while-pregnant" and bloody fool, let me know. ;)

  14. Dear Anonymous ~

    That's very sweet of you, but I think I ate the same brand of paint chips as a kid. That kind of compatibility is rare to come by (enter sexual innuendo here), so I'll be sticking around for awhile.

    Besides, I wouldn't want to leave this blog uninspired.

    PS Don't tell him I said that.

  15. I-read-all-of-that!-you-can't-put-comments-here-that-I-can't-see,-Liz!And-anonymous-remember-that-LJ-MO-sessions-are-dangerous!-Didn't-you-pay-attention-to-my-shit-drawings?Who-knows-what-stunt-she'll-pull-next...-


  16. Hi there, I found you through Thirsty Thursday bloghop and now a follower.

    You may follow me back at Spice Up Your Life, see you and have a nice weekend!

  17. Hahaha, I think I Have been following your wrong blog this whole time. This is hilarious. There should be some sort of medal awarded for injured while making out. Instead of the purple heart, I am thinking the blue balls medal?! Haha, too much. Stay away from those dangerous dressers. And yes, I used Winning Duh a couple of times in yesterdays post as well. I mean, how could ya not?!

  18. Um, you certainly HAD TO if you were a winning tiger-blooded warlock flying your F-18 filled with rotting dogshit ordnance all over middle America. Winning!

    Hmm... a medal. I like it. How about a trophy instead, where the statue on top is of a stumbly drunk guy, halfway through a fall?

    I think I've already won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. Bring it.

  19. PS 4:02 AM? Go to bed!

    Sheesh. Who do you think you are? Charlie Sheen?

  20. Hey. Here's a comment. And yes, I've been following this blog for sometime now. I'm like, number 50 or 60. So, NYAH NYAH NYAH, NYUCK NYUCK.

  21. And I don't know the exact number, because, well, you're not exactly the most welcoming of mats. Oh, and I can't be bothered to do the math... not that I can't do the math.

    Imma go find the post that I've commented on.

  22. Ew, little miss sassy, huh?

    And I resent/amconfusedabout that- how am I not the most welcoming? If you think I need to add stuff or reformat this blog, you're probably right.

    Wait. I was trying to hassle you, not agree with you.

    Oh. You're good. Maybe TOO good.

    Go eat butter.

  23. This is the hardest post ever to not reciprocate with my own orgasm/head injury stories, but I'm gonna resist because yours are funnier. And I totally had a different idea of what went on after that gear shift pic. But I'm gross, so... *shrug*

  24. All I have to say is: you should continue drinking. Would Sober Caleb have such great stories in his arsenal? I think not.

  25. Caleb, I think you should marry LJ now. She is a gem to have witnessed all this and still gone back for more. That or she is in fact the cause of all this...in which case you should never get with her again.

    Laura x

    ps...I'm going with the thought she's a keeper. LJ was my nickname as a child and all LJ's are awesome.

  26. Have you ever heard of a little term called "The latter?" Yeah, that.

    Her fault.

    Also, I have to return her to the zoo soon. They only let you check out hybrid lizard monkeys for a limited time.

    Manshopping- Okay. You twisted my arm.
    Me <-----still drinking

    SMUK- never, ever, ever hold in your orgasm/head injury stories. Stories like that are meant to be shared! Just remember to include the gun in any pics you use. ReMEMEber that? (good one, Caleb)

  27. hahahaha..this is pretty good caleb..would this be the night you were at our house til 4:00 in the morning?? just to make you feel a little better (maybe), me and travis had great potential for setting the house on fire..we thought we would be fine leaving dinner cooking in the oven while we decided to have a little MO (and what not) session..that probably was not the best idea..it just melted the glass-looking plastic pan that travis thought was "oven safe" since it was microwave safe..hahaha..i am now a follower by the way so i will try and keep up!

  28. Whoa... yeah. Setting the house on fire while MOing would definitely be pretty epic.

    And no, this was a different night. I think the worst I did that night was start some aggressive MO action while she still had a mouthful of food. That was kind of weird. But also kind of cool.

  29. Reading this post just made my day. Being someone who can trip while sitting down, I suddenly feel so graceful.

  30. Apparently grace and inebriation have a distinctly inverse relationship. Not to say that I haven't had embarrassing episodes sober, but still.