Thursday, March 31, 2011

Entry 137: Squeeks, Squirms, And Maybe A Dogtrocity.

Remember how I told you that my cat had a bit of a weight problem?  While there were some good suggestions (get her some new cat toys) and some austere recommendations (feed her dryer lint), a common refrain from most people was "get another cat to keep her company."

Sounds good, in theory.  But I was reluctant for a number of reasons.  First, I'm still shocked that I've managed to keep one animal alive for 5 years.  Beyond that, Squirms is already a responsibility as well as a pain in the ass.  Did you know cats want to eat every day? I just fed you *last* week!  Sheesh.  And remembering to take out 2 litters?  Some nights I don't remember to make myself dinner.  Let alone deal with this mess:

While I was opposed to a new cat, LJ decided that a kitten playmate for Squirms was definitely the way to go and that I could be persuaded.  Convinced that if I only saw how cute the little bastard was I couldn't refuse, she went in search of the cutest kitten on Earth.  Well, her plan was sound in most respects, but she overlooked one fatal flaw:

Thank God I didn't end up with that little tyrant- he's a huge (literally- I think his mom was a street liger) ass-clown that thinks it's funny to play the "spill any liquid around" game in the middle of the night.   Sometimes I hold him up by the tail and blow cigarette smoke in his face just to assert dominance.  Hey- my dad did it to me, and that worked out just fine. 

While LJ's plan had failed, Kimmie had a different approach.  She knew that two of my weaknesses- Bengal cats and irony- could eventually be my undoing.  The first phase of her plan was to make me jealous by inheriting two Bengal cats, which are *fricking awesome* and normally very expensive.  Where LJ's Leaf Coneybear inspired what I call "not jealousy" I was smitten by Kimmie's 2 awesome Bengals.  

My cat defense softened by Bengal-envy, Kimmie began phase 2 of her nefarious plan. She suddenly "found" a cat that she had to care for, yet she didn't "want" to because she had already just gotten two new cats.  She asked me to take this new cat "temporarily" but then began dropping ironic coincidences that she knew I couldn't refuse.  She found a cat so similar to my own cat that I couldn't in good conscience say no.  Here you go:

What was I supposed to do?  Squeeks?  You know I can't pass that up!  Squeeks and Squirms?  Identical cats?  Oh you're good, Kimmie.  Maybe too good.  Whatever, she won this round and I have had Squeeks at my house since Saturday.  Now I'm working on getting him and Squirms to get along because, well, my cat's a bitch. 

I read on the interweb that introducing a new cat into a house is a lot like setting your friend up on a date.  Lock the new one in a room for days so they can smell each other without fear of physical contact, manipulate both into thinking that they're your favorite, and slowly introduce them to each other while banging pots and pans if a fight breaks out.  Most of my married friends actually started out this way. 

I have been working this approach since Saturday, and have just recently allowed both of them to be out during the day together.  So far, Squirms has not been amused or pleased with this development.  Though I'm seeing definite signs of improvement- for instance, her hiss-radius has gone down 50%.  That's progress.

Not drawn to scale

Not bad.  Sadly, Elizabeth Hurley's "call the police" radius on me has remained steady.

I think the final bonding moment between Squeeks and Squirms is going to be when they finally find common ground.  Specifically, a common enemy.  
Let me pause right there and tell you about the most annoying pack of mongrel half-breed dogs the Earth has ever seen.  To get you in the mood (heh), and to explain why I call this pack "The Bumpuses," here's a video:

While they haven't stolen my Christmas turkey, my neighbor's dogs do have what I call "The 24 hour bark-cycle" similar to how CNN has a 24 hour news-cycle.  And they're both equally annoying.  These dogs WILL. NOT. SHUT. UP.  They bark in shifts, so as to never have a gap of constant mongrel yapping.  They will get quieter just to lull you into a false sense of peace, then crescendo their symphony number #9 in Db-shutthehellup right when you're getting ready for bed. Their favorite recent trick is to yowl along every time I sing (loudly) in the morning.  Everybody's a critic. 

Fuckin Dogs. 

In a show of solidarity Squirms has always hated these dogs as much as me.  Well, I found out that Squeeks couldn't move with his family because there were going to be dogs, and Squeeks HATES dogs.  You see where I'm going with this, right?

"John Stamos!"

Hopefully this is how things work out, because it'd be cool if there was one good thing to come out of me not throatpunch-murdering these dogs.  I'll keep you posted. 

Damnit, spellcheck! I thought I added "throatpunch" already.

In other news, the Cubs (aka "real baseball") start tomorrow, and my birthday is Saturday.  Thinking about a photo-year-in-review.  Sound interesting?

Caleb "yes I promise no naked photos" Shreves

PS Congratulations to GothBiotch and T-Rav on their engagement!  I think this means beer for life though.


  1. Yet another awesome post, haha! Hope your two cats can start to get along. If not, then you have to get another one, then after a while you start to be known as "cat man" or "that guy that smells like cat piss" and really, no one wants that :) And I think the mutual hate for dogs just might work. If not, at least maybe they can give those yelpy mutts a good ass kicking. Cats are good for that.
    Oh, and that Step Brothers shoutout, I know it wasn't, but I felt that it was directed at me. And I loved it, haha. I think your cats should get new names. Dale and Brennan, or at least night Hawk and Dragon. Then they would HAVE to be friends

  2. it sounds like they have already bonded over something. and damn cats, always wanting to be fed more than once a day. whenever my cat's food bowl runs low i just figure, well she's kind of chubby, if she doesn't eat again today it won't kill her. it must be a pretty good strategy, she's still alive.

  3. Cats are little shitheads. A neighbor girl brought over a kitty that was only two or three days old because she found it in a bush. I took it to the vet, cleaned it up, learned how to feed it and make it go to the bathroom (did you KNOW you have to "stimulate" their bowls for them to shit or piss when they're that small???), carried it around, taught it to eat dry food and then to use the kitty litter, and then what happens when he's full grown? That shit gets fat, ignores me, and prefers to spend all his time with my sister.

  4. TGN- it was TOTALLY directed at you. I also made 2 additional Stepbrothers references in your honor today: One was "Boats and Hos" and, no wait, I guess the other one was Anchorman. "Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?"

    Aubree- you took the words right out of my mouth. Literally- I have said the exact same thing. She's still alive so whatever I do must be fine, right?

    Cakey- You just perfectly described my relationship with my ex. Weird. And, uh, "stimulate?" I figured you were into some weird shit, but...

  5. Ahaha. You bought the I'll get two of them so they play with each other and lose weight fake-out?! Nah, they just seem to eat and poop exponentially. Oh, and compete to which can be the fattest so that in a fight one just has to sit on the other. True story. I'm really enjoying these animated stories :)

  6. Bengal cats and irony. An achilles heel more popular than one would think.
    And yes to a photo montage!!!!

  7. Love to hate them! Cats are truly tolerated by a certain type of person which is why I think we cat lovers are a special breed.

    Just be happy Squirms and Squeeks are Le Cat de Devils. Mine had the personality of a bitter old woman who drank. Feet dangling off the bed or chair translated to "claw and draw blood". Adding another? Yikes.

    Good luck with the feeding, poop and scoop!

  8. when i moved back home and my mom's cat (see: scaredy-asshole-cat) and my cat (see: loveable-fur-covered-jabba-the-hut) didn't get along, i would feed them treats together. yep, just alternate- one Pounce for this cat, one Pounce for that cat. unless one of the cats acts like she's too good for the treats, in which case i'd just throw the whole cannister on the floor, watching little Pounces go bouncing all around the kitchen and exclaim "I GIVE UP, THESE CATS ARE DUMB!!!"

  9. LB@T- Thanks. I'm figuring that out. They are apparently content with getting attention in shifts. Too bad girls aren't like that.

    Vapid- True story. It's been my undoing more than once (twice). Thinking about it... could be a fun weekend/birthday project!

    Carmen- Thanks. I'm pretty sure they know how annoying they are, as they've both tried to out-eat and out-poop each other. Currently it's a tie. Still love cats though!

    YLIDHaG- (sweet acronym) I thought of that, but Squirms is not a treat eater, and neither of them play with toys. I thought about moving Ella's food dish next to Squeek's, but if it didn't work and she forget to eat for more than an hour or two I'm pretty sure she'd fall over dead. I'm thinking maybe I'll just lock them in a tiny cat carrier together for a day or two. What's the worst that could happen?

  10. What happens when Squirms and Squeeks make hot kitty love on your computer, ruining it with their juices of furry feline passion? Then you will have to add 5 million words to spellcheck again. Will you have the strength to carry on?

  11. 1) Ligers can't breed.
    2) I fucking HATE cats. You've turned into a crazy cat gentleman, so no post-law-school marriage OR threesomes.
    3) Ligers can't breed.

    You know exactly who this is, bitch.

  12. I laughed ALL the way through this, and I just LOVE the drawings ... BRILLIANT!!

  13. You're welcome :-)

    I'll buy you two matching shots for your B-day to make up for my sinister and manipulative ways.



  14. "Hiss radius..." Hilarious! I have one of those? Sounds like you have two flesh version of Hedonism bot living in your house. If you want them to loose weight and are serious about this, make a little maze to the food dish so they can't just walk right to it, but instead have to walk through the maze that is like twice the distance. Maybe make some fake stairs and put the food bowl at the top of a very high flight of fake stairs.

  15. Neutron- never mind what I said about there not being a "line" on my blog. You found (and crossed) it. Well played.

    Anon- Shut up. You think Ligers care about your "facts?" No. Because they're fucking *ligers*. Chew on that.

    Thanks Deborah!

    Good call, Kim. Too bad we didn't win all 3. I blame you for unplugging my gambling machine.

    Mark, that's actually one of the first good ideas I've heard. Sadly, it would require some effort on my part. Which, as you may know, is in short supply. Oh well.

  16. Hey. I'm sixth in line for the Auel book at the library! Yay for interested literate people of Northeast England!

    And I've got the last two Jordanderson books. Can't wait for the next! Do you know what? The library didn't have ANY copies of Jordan's on the shelf...Dey's all be checked out!

  17. Oh, and if you'd like you can have an award. Come see me.