Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 21: Worst Personal Ad Ever

Hi there,

A little bit about me... First off, I'm kind of neurotic. I have
regular, multiple conversations with ourself, and frequently experience
dramatic personality shifts. I'm OCD, ADD, and a P.I.M.P. I don't
really listen very well and have contempt for most people (especially
women). While I don't "lie" per se, I do like to bend and exaggerate
the truth to a point where it's barely recognizable just to serve my own
ends. I'm good at making women who first meet me think that I'm normal,
and can usually keep that up just long enough to get in their pants.
I'm bossy, demanding, and not particularly kind. If you're the kind of
girl who likes special things on her birthday, or for a guy to even
remember her birthday, keep lookin'.

What I like... this is the tough part. I don't want to say that I'm
"picky" but I do have a few deal-breakers. I don't like any women with
any sort of personal defect whatsoever; from a crooked tooth to a
hangnail, don't bring your flaws to my doorstep! I prefer small, easily
dominated women with a flair for obedience. Nothing makes me happier
than a kind woman who is willing to bring me things I want (beer, food,
remotes, etc.), clean up a bit, do some laundry, and not be such a bitch
about it that she complains all day. Physical attraction is a must. I
know it sounds a little shallow, but I really need at least a C cup. I
could maybe accept you with less, but you would have to have rockin'
face or a whole lotta junk in yo trunk if you know what I mean! J/k!
No, seriously though. I like women who dress in short skirts and
low-cut tank tops, but if you ever cheated on me I would run you over
with my car.

Finally, a note about compatibility. I can't be in a relationship where
there is no respect for each other, so don't be a hater who wants to
bust her man's chops about playing Xbox all night. I'll let you shop or
whatever, or clean in peace and quiet, so the least I expect is for you
to respect me in everything I do. And one final thought: I need a woman
who is ready to do anything I require to achieve sexual satisfaction
without expecting anything in return! Unconditional love, please!

Well, if you're pretty and interested in meeting me, please send me a
message and let's get together! We'll go to my favorite restaurant and
see a movie I want to see. Your treat!

Doby Crotchtangle


  1. well caleb. i'm afraid you're going to be single for life...

  2. It's not an ad for ME, Lindsey. If it was my ad I would go on about how sensitive I am and how I read books to blind kids at the library. Chicks love that shit.

  3. Ok, I'm hilarious. I actually posted this- with a picture- online. Can't wait to see if I get any responses!

    ME = Hilarious!