Sunday, August 29, 2010

Entry 81: Jennifer, Get The F In Here!

What's going on here?

I checked into PoF recently and have had the most bizarre string of occurrences.

First, I had several messages from a dwarf.  (little person?  short gal? What's the PC term nowadays?)   And it wasn't some sweet, well thought-out letter or anything.  Just "i want to be ur woman.'  No joke.  And that was the third message from her, all essentially saying the same thing.  What the hell?

Second, I get hate mail from some random chick in buttf*ck Iowa.  I posted my fake entry (this one) and she claimed I obviously hated women, was a closet gay, and -on my 43rd birthday- would buy a blow up doll with, and I quote: "with big tits and a penis that you can order right off your internet. lol" 

And the best part is that she's looking for a guy with a sense of humor.  Good luck in your search, Sensitive Suzy.

Then, to top it off, I get a cherry on top.  The third message is from- get ready- a DUDE.  What?  Huh?  What happened?  Where am I?  I double checked and, sure enough, he's on there looking for dudes.  I thought maybe he was confused (apparently he is, but not the way I meant).

And his message?

"Come to Peoria."

Right.  Let me just gas up my never-mobile.


Caleb out.


  1. I think you should send Suzy a message from your real POF profile and see what happens. You never know, she could be your soul mate! ;)

  2. Are you on crack?

    My profile clearly states that it is a satirical amalgamation of douchy men out there, so the fact that she took time out of her busy day of cuddling and reading Nicholas Sparks novels to send me hate mail speaks volumes about just how much fun she would be to hang out with.

    Fate can be cruel, but even she would stop and think twice before making someone like that my soul mate!

  3. Little people are so creepy. I don't mean disrespect, but they just are. I think the original Oompa Loompa's are what did it to me (especially that one with the really long head).

    How could you ever have turned down the guy? Douche!

  4. I think you should have suggested a threesome with the tranny blow up doll and Suzie. Just sayin'.

  5. Not a bad idea Snafu.

    Andrew, the point is that you don't solicit across the borders of the dating world. Does this guy just go find all the "men seeking women" and tell them all to go to Peoria?

    Maybe it's the shotgun approach. 300 emails, 1 guy goes to Peoria, success?

    I can send him your email instead, if you want. He seemed handsome.

  6. Just out of curiousity, you really don't see anything amusingly coincidental in your being accused of women-hating homosexuality AND receiving a not-so-subtle advance from a man on the same day?
    Come on, Shreves! Even you have to admit that's freaking funny :-)

  7. Nah, I'm good. Though I am quite glad for your sake that he seemed handsome.

  8. Yes, very ironic.

    And Andrew- in a weird way I agree. I mean, if you're going to have dudes lusting after you, isn't it better if they're at least HOT dudes? Or is that worse?

    I don't understand all this.