I've tracked down (read: captured) a live girl who has given the internet dating scene a try. While squirming to avoid my questions and evade captivity (don't worry- I'm feeding her) I forced her to send me some of the messages she has received from some of the many douche-weasels that infest the waters of the online dating world. Sadly, she had already deleted a great majority of the TRULY great messages, but there were still enough left to amuse me. I'm even going to let her "guest write" for me (Danger Shreves) and copy you the email that she sent me. Woe of all woes, she no longer has the picture of the pot-bellied and naked old guy's wiener. For shame. Regardless, in exchange for her freedom she sent me the following email:
All right - some of the best messages for your blog...
Quotes from messages personally sent to myself (all copied and pasted,
grammatical and spelling errors included):
"But it always seems like I'm the groms men but never the grom.lol "
- Maybe when you learn how to spell groom, you can be one.
"Your like the Mona Lisa, but I dont even gink Leonardo could capture
- *gag* I'm sorry, were you serious?
"What do you think of my profile?
- This was it. The entire message. Are you looking for a girlfriend
or an editor....? I'm confused.
"I do Came Ac cross your profile and I like it cuz It's very cool."
- Thanks? You must be cool because you use z's where they don't
"Are u up2 much on new years eve?"
- This was sent to me in October. From a guy in New Zealand.
Relevance? Yeah, I got nothing either.
"i hope i wasnt bothering you and if i was than im sorry and thank you
very much for your time"
- Push. Over.
"I like being outdoors and would love to talk to someone interesting
about really anything."
- Apparently he's looking for someone to sit on a sidewalk with and
"I have a severe "dislike" for metal spoons. I'll only use them under
the most desperate circumstances."
- Like, when you order soup? Or do you make do with a spork? What
kind of information is this to start 'chatting someone up'??
"heres just a little info about me im a student at clarke college
majoring in communications gettng my degree in Public Relations"
- Hint: Punctuation helps. I would think they'd cover that in
"maybe it is I who add a lil' spic too your life! you are very
attractive and hopefully you can see the same in me"
- Yes, you have large muscles. No, I will not tell you this every
day. I don't need to 'add spic too' my life (I'm assuming that was
supposed to be 'spice,' btw - but who knows, really) - I need to
"i really like your smile"
- And what am I supposed to write back, huh? "Thanks"? I mean, nice
sentiment and all....but you're not really setting yourself up for
"all I can say is WOW :)"
- I know a fantastic English teacher that can teach you new words.
I'll message you back her number.
"I'm not too excited about your cat! I may be many things, but a cat
person I am not. No where near. They actually freak me out... that whole
rubbing on your leg thing."
- So you're not used to things rubbing against your leg, huh?
- Cats freak you out? Really? Really.
GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR THE FIRST MESSAGE:
1) Declarative statements make it difficult to want to write back. And
please...anything but your absurd phobias.
2) Giving me your phone number, email address, IM screenname, weekly
schedule, and favorite hangout makes you look a) very desperate and b)
3) Learn to spell. (Spellcheck...) Learn to punctuate. Learn what words
4) I'm sure your kids are lovely, and I'm sure you're very proud of
them. But I'm not looking to adopt, I'm looking for a relationship. Tell
me about YOU.
1) Make it one from this century. Preferably within the last 2 years.
2) If you take a picture of yourself in your bathroom mirror with your
cell phone without a shirt on, you are a douchebag. I will assume you
also drive a Hummer, and elevate your status to Mega-douche.
3) Taking a picture of your erect penis (that doesn't extend past your
potbelly) is not attractive. That should NEVER be your main photo. That
should never be a photo in the first place. If that's the best looking
part of you....I'm so sorry. There are doctors to help with things like
Thanks to "The Lizard" for sending this! I always get a kick out of the seemingly endless supply of douchery in manland. Also, I think bringing some of the shemanigans (great word, btw) of the world to light helps mitigate the fact that I make fun of women literally every day. Love you chicks.
Addendum: we've got a couple more for you. Take it, Lizard!
"Let's see, if I were to wake up and have a whole week to do one thing, I think I'd choose to spend the week with my significant other and go around doing random stuff with her. Now I just need to find her. I'm fairly sure it's you!" - mmmm...prolly not. Sorry
I got an animated dancing banana from a screenname called 'firecrotch.' Feel free to run with the layers of symbolism. (May even have Kristy's tattoo beat):
"Hi, you look cute....I like ur height and fit physic..."
- that's the entire message. And my dr's not particularly in shape, but sure. Ohhhh, my PHYSIQUE?? *sigh*
Indeed, Lizard. Let's all sigh collectively for mankind. Sigh.