Monday, June 14, 2010

Entry 37: Caleb's Advice On Facebook Dating


It's been awhile since we've had a new advice column entry, and I happened to find this one from over a month ago wedged in my couch cushions along with bong resin, Cheetos, and $1.37.  Enjoy!

Dear Caleb, 

I've started seeing someone recently and things have been going well.  When should I change my Facebook relationship status? Should I bring it up or should she? Should we do it earlier or later? I really like this girl and don't want to chase her away, but I think we're moving to the next level.  Not sure what to do.  Help!

Facebook Lover

Dear Facebook Lover,

How long do you date someone before you're expected to change your relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship with..."?  Good question.  Just imagine that, one day, this girl says playfully "hey big guy- I see that your FB status still says single... how's that going?" Haha!  What a playful minx she is.  Let me translate for you what that innocent statement actually means: "Hey.  We're fucking.  Change your fucking facebook status voluntarily or we will NOT be fucking much longer."

Think I'm kidding?  Trust Caleb on this one- he knows his stuff.

If you are head over heels for someone and the feeling is mutual, then wait until you've dated for awhile and then have a fun, open discussion about this and mutually change your statuses (statusi?). For the other 99% of us, there are a few options to escape this trap without injury:

1.  Remove the section of your profile.  If you go under "settings" and look, there is a way to just leave the entire section blank.  This is the preferred method, but be careful to check your profile immediately after because FB will leave a "(you)'s relationship status is no longer single" which brings attention to the fact. Attention that you don't need and that could possibly jeopardize not just your life, but your future beej-getting. Click "remove" by this little update-grenade.

2.  Create a fictitious relationship that's funny.  You've seen people do this; "so-and-so is in a relationship with (insert ridiculous person, thing, idea, etc. here)"  Usually mildly amusing, and effective for some time against the relentless attack that is a women's attention.  This idea is inferior to the first, only because there is some sort of relationship status available.  Eventually, she will call you on this and make you change your relationship status from "in a relationship with Will Ferrell" to "in a relationship with controlling and dominating
woman"  Woe is you.

3.  Refuse Facebook-friending ANYONE that you date.  This, my friends, is both very tricky to pull off and carries with it some serious liabilities.  For one, finding a reason to convince your new playmate to not accept her friend request is like convincing a cougar that leopard print is out of style.   Good luck with that.  And, if you do manage this feat (may haps with some sort of "I want us to each have our own thing in life... you know, not smother this wonderful relationship we have" BS) then remember that YOU will not have access to any of HER goings-on.  If you are an ultra-insecure, jealous, over-roided up meathead who threatens to beat up the gas station attendant for "looking at my squirrel!" then this is probably not a good option for you.  Of course, if you are that guy then you should probably just change your status to "In a relationship with violence" and go back to beating your old lady.  Then put Decon in your coffee.

4.  Be an Ultra Hard Ass (UHA).  When she ever brings up anything on the subject, you just look pissed and say "What?  We ain't dating.  You's ma ho.  Make me a sandwich and give me a beej."  Then, if she gets mad or threatens to leave, crush her self esteem to the point where she believes that a jerk like you is all she deserves in life and she'll stay with you forever.  This is sort of... (don't want to say "mean") um... bold?  And has actually never worked.  Good luck if you attempt it.

Best of luck,



  1. Option #4 usually works on me.

    Just thought I'd share...

  2. Wait- as in, it works FOR you like you would do that to a guy, or it works ON you as in if a guy does it you're like "eh, okay."?

    BIG difference.

    Also, my creative mind is fully engaged on Operation Douchebag Flask!

  3. I said on didn't I?

    Make sure to find it a new home once you're done with it.

  4. Both hilarious and on point. I wonder if number 4 could work for girls? I'm gonna try it. I'll let you know how the next guy responds to being called my ho, right after he gives me that beej.

    On a serious note, I actually agree with number 3 and have written about it before. I don't want to spam your comment section with links to my page, but I can send it along if you like...

  5. Yes, I agree Facebook & dating should not mix.
    And #4 you haven't tried? Really? Don't know why, "You's ma ho," seemed to flow so naturally for you. I say give it a whirl & see what happens.

  6. @Stone Um... wanna get married? Also, I'm thinking Afghanistan is where Douchebag Flask might end up. We'll play it by ear.

    @Lucky Thanks! Let me know how calling a guy 'ho' works out. And, technically, can women refer to... what happens as a beej? I think that might be man-only. (btw, 'beej' is one of my top ten favorite words!) I don't mind your links; I like your site! Just don't link to gay porn- that could get me in trouble

    @Zia Oddly enough it DOES flow naturally for me. (pause while I say it a few times to myself). The problem is that women don't take me seriously when I do- they giggle and pat my head and say things like "aww... he's so cute! He thinks he can order a beej!" Apparently they are unfamiliar with my 'serious face'

  7. Option 1 is the best option. Always. Just point blank refuse to be 'single' or 'in a relationship' as far as Facebook is concerned and nobody can ever question it.

    Difficult now though as it will say that it's been removed. Are they friends on Facebook? Does she go on Facebook often?

    Basically unless you want this EVERY TIME you get together/break up with someone it's time to ditch status'.

    Bravo. Problem solved.

  8. FCR-

    Yes, they're friends on Facebook. Which is an entirely new issue! Here are some possible examples:

    1. One night you're all like "Uh..gee. I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'll come over and hang out tomorrow?" But then they see a bunch of pictures of you tagged from that night, out snorting lines off hookers' asses and pouring Jack down your gullet. Not good.

    2. Another person that you, uh, hung out with posts something on your wall like "hey- had a great time tossing your salad! Love to do it again sometime xoxo" Then you might be in trouble.

    3. What if a person decides to mess with you and types "how's that VD going?" or "still banging that one skank Vanessa you were telling me about?" If Vanessa is the one you were hoping to continue banging, your hopes may be dashed.

    Or not. Maybe she's really cool like that (read: low self esteem)

    I'm with you though- best to just eliminate the section entirely!

  9. Caleb, surely in such cases, if you did hope to continue banging Vanessa, you should pipe down and not call Vanessa a skank? Lol.

    If you're not all that bothered about her, and she is indeed a skank, this really shouldn't be an issue.

    Alternative, go-anti Facebook. My "friend" cleverly deleted all pictures, comments and wall posts using Facebook entirely for event info. This means nobody now writes on his wall, ergo they text him and I can't see what he's been up to. Crafty huh?

    Laura x

  10. Yeah, but Facebook has too many good uses to ignore it! Where else would I get a forum for only my closest 1000000000 friends to see?

    Maybe you were only calling Vanessa a skank as part of man-talk. Or, she is a skank, but hey- man's gotta eat. Or, what if you meant skank in an entirely positive way? Okay, maybe not, but still.

    You = watch Will Ferrell.

  11. Caleb, beej could have been one of my favorite words until you rolled out Porkneck. We have a winner!

  12. Thanks Lucky! I saw another Porkneck last night and almost called him one before I remembered that he was 18 times bigger than me.

    Close one!