It's been awhile since we've had a new advice column entry, and I happened to find this one from over a month ago wedged in my couch cushions along with bong resin, Cheetos, and $1.37. Enjoy!
I've started seeing someone recently and things have been going well. When should I change my Facebook relationship status? Should I bring it up or should she? Should we do it earlier or later? I really like this girl and don't want to chase her away, but I think we're moving to the next level. Not sure what to do. Help!
Dear Facebook Lover,
How long do you date someone before you're expected to change your relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship with..."? Good question. Just imagine that, one day, this girl says playfully "hey big guy- I see that your FB status still says single... how's that going?" Haha! What a playful minx she is. Let me translate for you what that innocent statement actually means: "Hey. We're fucking. Change your fucking facebook status voluntarily or we will NOT be fucking much longer."
Think I'm kidding? Trust Caleb on this one- he knows his stuff.
If you are head over heels for someone and the feeling is mutual, then wait until you've dated for awhile and then have a fun, open discussion about this and mutually change your statuses (statusi?). For the other 99% of us, there are a few options to escape this trap without injury:
1. Remove the section of your profile. If you go under "settings" and look, there is a way to just leave the entire section blank. This is the preferred method, but be careful to check your profile immediately after because FB will leave a "(you)'s relationship status is no longer single" which brings attention to the fact. Attention that you don't need and that could possibly jeopardize not just your life, but your future beej-getting. Click "remove" by this little update-grenade.
2. Create a fictitious relationship that's funny. You've seen people do this; "so-and-so is in a relationship with (insert ridiculous person, thing, idea, etc. here)" Usually mildly amusing, and effective for some time against the relentless attack that is a women's attention. This idea is inferior to the first, only because there is some sort of relationship status available. Eventually, she will call you on this and make you change your relationship status from "in a relationship with Will Ferrell" to "in a relationship with controlling and dominating
woman" Woe is you.
3. Refuse Facebook-friending ANYONE that you date. This, my friends, is both very tricky to pull off and carries with it some serious liabilities. For one, finding a reason to convince your new playmate to not accept her friend request is like convincing a cougar that leopard print is out of style. Good luck with that. And, if you do manage this feat (may haps with some sort of "I want us to each have our own thing in life... you know, not smother this wonderful relationship we have" BS) then remember that YOU will not have access to any of HER goings-on. If you are an ultra-insecure, jealous, over-roided up meathead who threatens to beat up the gas station attendant for "looking at my squirrel!" then this is probably not a good option for you. Of course, if you are that guy then you should probably just change your status to "In a relationship with violence" and go back to beating your old lady. Then put Decon in your coffee.
4. Be an Ultra Hard Ass (UHA). When she ever brings up anything on the subject, you just look pissed and say "What? We ain't dating. You's ma ho. Make me a sandwich and give me a beej." Then, if she gets mad or threatens to leave, crush her self esteem to the point where she believes that a jerk like you is all she deserves in life and she'll stay with you forever. This is sort of... (don't want to say "mean") um... bold? And has actually never worked. Good luck if you attempt it.
Best of luck,