Monday, June 21, 2010

Entry 40: Dear Caleb, My Ex's Whore Is Going To Be At The Same Event I Am.

Time for some more Caleb advice.  This one is adapted from an actual email conversation I had with my friend, Krust. 

Dear Caleb,

I have a problem. The whore that [my ex] was cheating on me with is running in the same marathon that I am! I just don't see how I can go knowing that she's going to be there.  What should I do?

-Running From Problems

Dear Running,

Today you get a special treat: a mix of responses to choose from! Enjoy.

Mean Caleb: "Grow up.  Seriously, there's going to be thousands of runners and you're supposed to be focusing on running anyway.  Quit thinking of excuses for every challenge in your life and man up.  You= not in 7th grade anymore."

Sensitive Caleb: "Hmm.  Probably not a fun thing to think about given the current situation- especially if he's still talking to her. Hopefully you won't see her, and I guess we'll just have to have enough fun to distract you from looking for her at every bar we go to!  Plus, if you're in marathon shape you'll be proud of how you look and will probably be glad if you do see her!"

Facetious Caleb:
"Maybe you'll see her in the last mile and lock eyes. Then each of you will start running faster and faster until you're in a dead sprint for the last half mile.  Each of you knowing that this contest is about more than just running, more than just [the ex], it's about life.  About who you are as a person and the very nature of your character.  Both of you will be so exhausted as you tie at the finish that you fall over... as you see each other both of your eyes shine with the glint of respect and you shake hands.  Later, you buy each other beers and tag-team some Joey Mcintyre look-alike at the hotel.  Tie game."

Completely Disregarding and Perverted Caleb:
"Is she hot?  I suggest making out with her- a lot- and filming it for monetary gain."

Bored, Tired Caleb: "Good luck with that."

Irrelevant Caleb:
"I dunno.  Anyway, what about that cute chick in your work area?  You hooked that up for me yet?  Get on it."

Self-Esteem Crushing Caleb:
"Just don't go.  She's probably going to laugh at you, and she's most likely going to be looking great in some short shorts.  You'll just end up cry-babying all weekend and I'll end up having to bang her just to give you some measure of satisfaction.  That's the kind of good friend I am.  You probably won't even finish the race, wimp."

Take your pick!

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5 comments:

  1. Completely Disregarding and Perverted Caleb
    Irrelevant Caleb
    Facetious Caleb
    are the 3 finalists, just figured I could help narrow it down

    ReplyDelete
  2. How about a new contender?

    Drunk Caleb: "You know what? No- no. You know what? Cuz, it's like... she's totally not even into you and stuff. Er, wait. Who again? Ex's new whore? Fuck er. Just fuck er. Wait. No. Wait. That's a good idea. Do that. And filmded it! I... need a beer. C'n I borrer ten bucks?"

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Caleb-
    Long time reader, first time writer. I have a difficult situation, and I was hoping you could shed some light.
    I live in a very small community, with very limited female prospects. My choices are:
    Girl A, who is highly attractive, but has a child and is looking to settle down, fill out the family, and other such nuclear attributes,
    and,
    Girl B, who is at least a three-beer woman, meaning that it takes a minimum of three beers before she is anything but fugly. However, she is more willing for various sexcapes, but warns me of impending feelings of responsibility soon.

    So the question is, do I have a drunken good short time with Girl B, forsaking all hope of Girl A, or do I go for the hot piece of arm candy? There are no other options for women-folk at this time, not until the next class graduates high school.
    Signed,
    Befuddled in BFE

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anon-

    Look for a response to your question soon! Always happy to help.

    ReplyDelete