Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Oh, So You Want More Of My Post, Do You? F*CK SINKS.

Fine then. I'll post. Since I covered "innuendo" in the title, I'll cover "snarky" here and tell you that I'm posting because I want to and not cuz you told me to.

And since my theme has been to not-post, acknowledge my not-posting, makeup for not-posting with broad posts, then promise more posting, we'll go for something completely different.

You know what both confuses and angers me? Sinks.  You heard me.  I gripe about sinks all the time, but have never taken the time to officially raise awareness of this important issue until now.

What's wrong with sinks?  Let's start with what they are: a big bowl, with a faucet that pours water, and some mechanism to turn the water off/on and control temperature.  How could they f*ck that up you ask?

Simple. They put the faucet TEN MILES AWAY from where you stand, and it only extends a half inch out into the bowl. So you have to bend like a sorority girl and--without contorting your hands--try to get the trickle of scalding/freezing water to wash away your soap.

Here's a couple basic examples:

Standard, right?  WHY THE HELL IS THE FAUCET SO CLOSE TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE BOWL?  Even mildly generous sinks like this make it a frickin pain to get both your hands comfortably under the faucet.

Don't give me that "yeah but it works" bullshit, either. You, like me, have simply gotten used to twisting your hand back towards you in order to wash anywhere but the halves of your fingers that would otherwise be under the flow of water.  Horseshit. Show me a diagram where you explain how you can wash your *entire* hand under this thing without unknowingly quoting Charles Dickens with your ASL-like hand contortions. Can't be done.

"Oh," you say, "but some of them are different!"  Why yes, you.  Yes they are.  But are they any better?  NOPE.

"What about the ones where the faucet is up high?"

Oh, you mean THIS guy:

Three things.  First, these sinks almost invariably spew torrents of SCALDING WATER. Apparently height is directly correlated with temperature.

Second, it's STILL on the far side of where you're standing, so you have to uncomfortably reach across with your body.  This means that you will be pressing your midsection against the counter or, at best, slightly bent with your arms out like an idiot.

Third, and leading to the next point, YOU HAVE TO PUSH AGAINST THE COUNTER to reach these. That sucks in its own right, but with high faucets you have a much greater amount of splash water.  Which means that the counter closest to you is wet, and when you lean you get the "water line" of horizontal embarrassment across your pants.

You: "Shit! Do I have to explain that I didn't pee on myself in here or will everyone just understand that it's not possible to pee in the exact pattern of counter-water upon oneself?"  That question needn't be answered, but you'll be thinking about it and convinced that people are staring at your crotchal area.

"What about above-counter bowls?" you ask?

Oh you mean like THIS:

Adorable, but no.  Slightly less splash on the counter? Maybe. But you're generally not improving the "reach" problem, and plus your splashing is now free to hit the *other* side, often creating an entire "lake handwash" on the counter--especially in oft-used public places.

But more importantly here: what the f*ck? Are we on some kind of a timer here? Wash your hands before the bowl fills up!? Yes, it drains like a standard bowl, but there's a mental element here.  You're filling up a bowl of water that could tip, splash, spill over, etc.  Your rational brain knows it's the same bowl, but your Indiana Jones brain knows that you HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE THE BOWL FILLS UP!

Ain't nobody got time for dat. Plus, look at that soap bottle. Can it extend into the sink so that it doesn't drip onto the counter? (don't get me started on soap dispensers). Nope, you have to apply the soap and THEN safely elevate your hands to the bowl.

On top of that, how pretentious are these above-counter bowls anyway? Seriously.  Get over yourself. All that time and effort in redesigning the standard bowl and you're MAYBE 2% better.  But 75% more douchey, so is that a trade-off you really want to make?

Look, I understand that sink problems are, in the scheme of things, not that big of a deal.  But think of how often you use them; even a small annoyance goes up to major annoyance when you deal with it many times in a single day.

For instance, this guy.

Yup, this is in the law school bathroom.  Pretty much everything that can go wrong is present.  Huge counter that requires me reaching 8 miles across to the faucet? Check. Perpetually wet counter to always worry about leaning against? Check. Handles that dispense only scalding or freezing water?  Got that. Oh, and bonus? These don't gradually turn on.  Nope.  You carefully ease the handles towards you, millimeter by millimeter, until finally weapons-grade water pressure blasts you and everything in it's path.

Oh, and they're always out of paper towels.  And usually out of soap.

Quit fucking this shit up, people, and let's get a decent design going for a sink.  We're better than this.


  1. When I first read the title of this post I thought you were calling your readers "Fuck Sinks", like scumbags or something. Glad to see another amusing post from you either way.

  2. You know what's extra annoying? This:

    Because someone decided it wasn't troublesome enough with the faucet in the middle.

  3. Try having to explain why you have that horizontal line just under your boobs instead of across your pants. When you're 5'1" reaching across the counter's edge is a whole different ball game.

  4. Thanks for the idea, Matt!

    Mack...what. the. fuck. is that? That seems more like a drunken design flaw than a conscious choice.

    Kimmie. I can see what you're talking about, but boobs provide so much benefit to women over a lifetime that it's hard for me to empathize.