Like most Americans, I get up each day with a warm fuzzy feeling in my groin at the prospect of living yet another day in the freest nation in history. My protections and freedoms guaranteed me by our constitution and upheld by our government for centuries are beautiful, precious things. These freedoms were not attained easily however, and upholding them against the many threats they’ve faced has been an ongoing and arduous task. Fascism, terrorism, flavored coffee creamer; these things have launched assaults on our liberties that have required our best and brightest to ward off- often at great personal sacrifice. But it’s not always the easy and obvious threats to liberty that we need to be concerned with.
Before each new threat to our freedoms there have been voices quietly urging us to plan ahead, to take pre-emptive action, to defend ourselves against the trickle before we have to fight the wave. Ladies and gentlemen I would like to be that voice for you, today. Zombies. Yes, zombies. The potential for zombie invasion is the greatest threat to freedom that I could imagine. Let’s take all of the freedoms you currently enjoy and apply a massive zombie apocalypse scenario:
Your right to free speech: can’t speak with your brains eaten, right?
Your right to bear arms: they’ll keep a few zombies off for a while, but in the end you’ll be swarmed, eaten, and gun-less.
Freedom of religion: “Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our-“oh wait, you just got zombie-d. Now you know NO God except the unforgiving urge to maul the living.
Freedom of the press: Just long enough to print one last paper reading “Run for you frickin life!” Ed. Note: The Wall Street Journal will not be going to press next week, as we will be eaten by zombies by then.
See how every freedom is irrelevant if you’re dead and eating your neighbor’s brains? I know many of you might say that the threat of zombie attack is extremely remote, or that zombies don’t even exist, (tell that to the West Africans) but it’s exactly that sort of complacent thinking that led to the spread of communism and salads being served at McDonalds. Forewarned is forearmed.
I urge each and every one of you to not dismiss this threat; to believe that zombies are real and not merely the product of myth and psychological drugs. Buy and stock weapons now (while you have the zombie-free freedom to do so), load up on food for your zombie shelter, and watch your neighbor like a hawk.
Once we are sure- and I mean 100% sure- that we are as prepared as possible for a zombie invasion, we can turn our attention to more urgent and everyday threats to our freedom. Namely, the Twilight series.Caleb "promise I'm not a zombie" Shreves
This post is an entry in the blog contest responding to the new book, New Threats to Freedom edited by Adam Bellow. The contest is open to all and further information can be found here.