Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Entry 62: Project Husband Gets Caleb-Ized

Potential applicants,

Those of you looking to get married; have you ever fantasized about your
dream wedding?  Ever known every detail and planned it in your mind?
Have you ever actually SET a date and bought a dress?

While still single?

Well, Lisa Lineham has.  She has started what she calls "Project Husband
and has the wedding already set and planned out.  Now on to the
easy part, right?  Just gotta go find a groom quick...

For you interested fellers out there, she has created a "position
complete with 15 requirements and 22 paragraph-style
questions for you to ask.  Here's the link:

http://projecthusband2011.blogspot.com/2010/03/project-husband-position- description.html

First off, let's get it out of the way that in the majority of cases if
a date told you she already had a wedding plan, you would excuse
yourself to go to the bathroom and then sprint like Usain Bolt until
your lungs burst and you were sure that any roofies that the crazy had
put in your drink hadn't taken effect.

But let's say she was really, really hot?  Let's go with 8.5 or greater.

This is where my concern for this girl comes into play.  This situation
is what I would call "ripe for the picking" or "the low hanging fruit"
or "right in my wheelhouse."  I mean, she's already given herself the
pressure of a timetable right?

So all you have to do is play perfect nice guy while dragging time out
until getting rid of you is unthinkable.  Then, you have her by the...
er, well, you know- you have leverage.  (girls don't have balls)

"I want you to give me road head, right now."

"No... I don't really want to."

"Then the wedding is OFF!"

::she thinks about it, realizes that 2-3 months is too short of time to
find a replacement groom, and complies with your wishes::

Wrong to manipulate someone like this?  Maybe.  Shallow?  Probably.  But
isn't it pretty shallow to create an ACT-like test to audition for a
wedding that you- and only you- have planned already?

That's why I worry for this girl- there are too many guys out there who would do this.

Or, maybe, the guy that is shallow enough to treat her that way will
match her shallowness completely and they will find ironic and lovely
together at their wedding!

Who knows.  Maybe she's just optimistic and creative and realizes that
she's not going to settle just because of some arbitrary date.

But you know how stubborn women are...

Here's how to trick Caleb into this.  Check it out:

You: "Wow, things are really going great with us Caleb.  I love spending
time with you!"

Me: "I know, right?  It's pretty super."
You: "You should like... marry me.  I'll never change and I'll always do
laundry and dishes!"

Me, eyes glazing over: "Wow, really?  Dishes?  Okay I guess... let's do

You: "Want me to plan everything out and you just show up and drink free

Me: "Do I!?"
You: "Cool!  How does (pretend to think about it) August sound?"

See?  Easy.  Wait- I feel like I'm giving away my hand.


I suppose, however, that as ridiculous as this plan sounds it's still better than the "I'll get pregnant and then he'll marry me" plan or the "It's been 3 months- I'm sure we should get married!" plan.  Got to give her credit for that.

So to hedge my bets, I think I'll plan a wedding for December 15, 2023.  I'll be 40 by then, and it should be after the Cubs win their 13th consequtive World Series Title.  Any takers out there?

Caleb "not as fast as Usain Bolt" Shreves


  1. As nice as that might would be (basically completely uninvolved in the wedding process except for showing up) I'd be scared that she was completely unhinged. Normal people don't plan a wedding & set a date before they have someone to go through it with them. Watch her be completely batshit crazy & the poor sap she traps with her road head skills ends up murdered.

  2. Here's how I see this going down:

    Theory #1: She throws herself a "Lisa Party" on said wedding date at pre-determined location to celebrate being single and all she learned about herself during "Project Husband"


    Theory #2: An equally attention-hungry, competitive man buys into it. They marry. They quietly divorce within the year, parting the "best of friends."

  3. I actually had a conversation about weddings a couple of days ago. It seems like everyone wants to do it, even when almost positive thats it will not last. It's for the thrill of it. It's not enough to say you're in love. People need rings and a whole celebration to make sure EVERYONE knows how they love eachother..at the moment..! I think I understand while it's so appealing. I mean, who wouldn't want a nice dress, lots of flowers, CAKE, a huge party with your closest friends and family and a night of hotter passionate sex somewhere hot (if that's your thing)It doesn't matter anymore that it won't last, it just means you get to have another sweet party later on! So if you can afford it, just do it. Get hitched when your 20 and then again when you're 35. You'll be at 2 completely different stages of life and hopefully you learn something about yourself looking back.

    Things like Lisa Lineham is doing are strange, but it keeps you occupied for a bit. And lots of funny stories are probably spawned from such a kooky idea!

  4. Andrew- righto. Definitely batshit.

    NoBridget- you are EXACTLY spot on. Anyone who thinks otherwise- I'm taking bets!

    FoxyStoneMistress- correct. Parties rock, and weddings have the best parties. If they weren't so expensive, I'd already have some ex-wives by now.
    Wanna get married?


  5. Tell you what Caleb,

    if by 2023 I am also not married (notice how I didn't say single..! Parties are way more important.)I will be with you 'til death do us part or I don't know... maybe someone cooler comes along).Hopefully by then I will have learned to cook more than just cakes and grill cheeses.

  6. Yes, you'll need to know more cooking skills than that to woo me. You'll also need to know laundry and dishes, as those are 'deal-breakers' for me!

    Sort of kidding?

    Or you could just work on other skills. I'm flexible.

  7. I was born to do laundry and dishes. No one beats me at that.

    As for other skills..give me examples?