Sunday, July 4, 2010

Entry 48: Caleb Leaves Drunken Rambling Message

Yes, I work holidays.  You're welcome.

Sadly (or awesomely) my streak of late-night shemanigans has continued unabated for almost 3 weeks now.  At 3AM  this past Thursday I was out with Cledus and his girlfriend (now named Droopy) and in "a mood."

The Lizard called me the  next day and said that I had left one of the most ridiculous voice messages on her phone she had ever heard.  She played it for me and, in fact, she's right.  I've lost my mind.  Lizard was kind enough to transcribe this message for me, and I thought I would share it with you so you understand the consequences of being friends with me.

*this entire message is left in a thick hillbilly drawl

2:32 AM

"Hey!  This is Cledus.   Did you jest hang up on me?  Goddamnit,  I'm gunna rub my nuts all over Caleb's face and stuff and take a picture 'n send it to you.  'Cause I'm Cledus.  And I like other weiners in ma mouth.  Sooo... you need to answer yer phone, 'cause I heard Caleb say you don't turn off yer phone, so I knows you heard it ring, woman!!  You need to pick on up when that there phone rangs, cuz that's what we do here in America.

You gotta pull that stick on out yer butt.  An' then put it back in, an' do the same thing like a hunnert times, an' make noises an' record them noises on yer phone fer me to listen to 'cause I find that attractive.  Sometimes I listen to them when I feel myself and goddamnit I come and don't care who knows it!!

Hey!  By the way, my girlfriend Droopy's a lesbian, so if you kids wanna hook up, just lemme know.

But [something mumbled] lesbians [mumble mumble]... [pause]  No!  It's true though!!  I mean, two vaginers touchin' each other is a beautiful thing that the Lord made, that's how he intended it, was fer two vaginers to touch each other until a penis enters the mix, and then that penis should have his choice amongst the vaginers, or take 'em both.

It's in the good book, so you know he meant it.  Genesis, chapter 1, subsection 7 paragraph 9 word 80 says that the good Lord wanted the vaginers to touch each other in the presence of a man until he hath chosen which vaginer unto..." [To replay this message, press 4]

I know- I'll grow up one day.  Just not today!

Happy 4th!


  1. Also, Ginger typed something last night that she wanted included here. Exactly what she typed:

    I LOVE GINGER SHE IS THE BEST GINGER EVER PERIOD I WOULD FOR LIZ LOVE HER TO STOP TALKING ABOUT EGG MCMUFFINS. TELL HER I AM A GOOD PERSON; GINGER STOP TALKING? I SAY NO. this is not shouting. and calaeb is not getting a quad. because he will only ride it in the summer. liz does not know emienm.. liz says perfect sense to me. STILL PLAYING BEER PONG? you ask such a question, well YES. we will play beer pong. alll night long. can i call you ginger? yes i like it..... OK GOOD, GINGER. yes you yell liz. stop asking.

  2. My brain just packed a bag, threw on a fedora, climbed out of my skull, flipped me off and walked away holding a sign with the words "I QUIT" scrawled out angrily in red lettering. Thanks again, Shreves.

  3. Life's easier after the old brain leaves. Trust me!

    Plus, it always comes back. Don't let it fool you- it's a big softy and gets lonely.

    And you were only referring to Ginger's comments, right?

  4. Ridiculosity.

    That's the only word to describe your life.

  5. You were there, skank. Don't act all high and mighty.


  6. Lizard: "I'm holding a Jesuit cookbook in one hand and an Egg McMuffin in the other. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?"


  7. Oh, there's no high and mighty. I appreciate the ridiculosity from up close. At times, I even let myself be swept up in it.

  8. Lizard: "I'm holding a Jesuit cookbook in one hand and an Egg McMuffin in the other. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?"

    Seems pretty clear that Lizard has no available hands in this situation, but does have an available "vaginer". Where's Droopy when you need her?

    Twisted, Caleb. Seriously twisted.

  9. Twisted? It's not..

    Er, okay. Yeah. Pretty effed up.

    And who says "Vaginer?" Seriously? And to quote the bible as promoting lesbianism?

    That's why they don't give me Jack Daniels.