50 Entries! Wow. Anyone read them all?
Thought I would rant a bit today.
Here are some phrases that you have probably heard in your life. I contend that they are dumb, and will explain why. Begin.
1. "Have a catch"
What the fuck is have a catch? "Have a catch with Dad day" at Wrigley; you hear it all the time during Cubs games. No. You don't HAVE a fucking catch- you HAVE Chlamydia. You PLAY catch. Cripes.
2. "Use humor"
Like humor is some kind of tool in your goddamn arsenal. You paw through your junk drawer... rage? No... um, sadness? No... how about.. oh! Here it is! Humor. Yeah. I'll use that now. If you have to "use" humor, then you aren't funny.
3. "Are we all finished with that plate?"
Umm.. are we?? I think you can tell by the fact that there is literally not ONE FUCKING THING left on my plate that I'm done, however I have NO EFFING IDEA if you even have a plate, where it might be, or if you're done with it. So don't ask! Unless you have a turd in your pocket, "we" is not to be used in most situations.
4. "That's hilarious"
No, if something is hilarious, then that will become known by the fact that you are laughing uproariously and wiping away tears from your eyes. If you are mildly smiling and have to say that something is hilarious, then it is not, in fact, hilarious. Please replace "hilarious" with "mildly amusing."
5. "So I said, 'listen'..."
Follow this up with you telling me what you told someone else. One, I do not care. Two, what you are saying you said to someone else is never, ever what you actually said. What you are currently telling me is what you wished you would have had the balls to say.
That's 5 off the top of my head. There are lots more, I know, but I get myself riled up just talking about them.
Time to go calm myself down by reading about the Cubs.
Er, wait. That plan isn't going to work.