Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Entry 50: Caleb Tells You Why Some Phrases Are Dumb


50 Entries!  Wow.  Anyone read them all?

Thought I would rant a bit today.  

Here are some phrases that you have probably heard in your life.  I contend that they are dumb, and will explain why.  Begin.

1.  "Have a catch"

What the fuck is have a catch?  "Have a catch with Dad day" at Wrigley; you hear it all the time during Cubs games.  No.  You don't HAVE a fucking catch- you HAVE Chlamydia.  You PLAY catch.  Cripes.

2.  "Use humor"

Like humor is some kind of tool in your goddamn arsenal.  You paw through your junk drawer... rage?  No...  um, sadness?  No... how about.. oh! Here it is!  Humor.  Yeah.  I'll use that now.  If you have to "use" humor, then you aren't funny.

3.  "Are we all finished with that plate?"

Umm.. are we??  I think you can tell by the fact that there is literally not ONE FUCKING THING left on my plate that I'm done, however I have NO EFFING IDEA if you even have a plate, where it might be, or if you're done with it.  So don't ask!  Unless you have a turd in your pocket, "we" is not to be used in most situations.

4.  "That's hilarious"

No, if something is hilarious, then that will become known by the fact that you are laughing uproariously and wiping away tears from your eyes.  If you are mildly smiling and have to say that something is hilarious, then it is not, in fact, hilarious.  Please replace "hilarious" with "mildly amusing."

5.  "So I said, 'listen'..."

Follow this up with you telling me what you told someone else.  One, I do not care.  Two, what you are saying you said to someone else is never, ever what you actually said.  What you are currently telling me is what you wished you would have had the balls to say.

That's 5 off the top of my head.  There are lots more, I know, but I get myself riled up just talking about them.

Time to go calm myself down by reading about the Cubs.

Er, wait.  That plan isn't going to work.



  1. 1. Solely American.
    3. "We all" also American. Here in the UK it's "Are you finished?" or "I hope everything was ok with your meal" followed by a swift clear up of the table.

    You could remove these by moving to England but that may be a bit extreme. The rest are universally annoying. Number 2 made more so by your misspelling of the word humour. And yes, I know it's your correct spelling but you're supposed to speak English.

  2. Caleb,
    Are we all finish with this rant? I think if you were able to just apply some laughter to these types of sayings, you would find that your outrage with the use of them is simply hilarious. I think you should have a catch with a friend to alieviate your stress. Afterwards, you can tell us all about what you said to the person responsible for your lovely mood today.

    See? I can still annoy you from several hundred miles away. Isn't the internet great?!

    Also, The phrase "that's hilarious" can also be used in a sarcastic manner. Ya know? It's kinda like when you are telling me something you find funny and I get a disgusted or annoyed look on my face and say, "That's hilarious."

  3. Caleb, I have this really irritating person that comes into my job who tells us stories about his life. he prefixes EVERYTHING he says with "needless to say". If it was needless to say, he wouldn't have to say it. And he doesn't need to, anyhow, I don't want to hear it. :) I enjoy your blog.

  4. My last job I had one co-worker who, after everything she said, she'd add, "You heard me?" And, considering she was a bit loud, I'm pretty certain I heard her. It was more annoying when it went, "Blah blah blah. You heard me? I said 'Blah blah blah.'" Ugh! What a nuisance! Like I really want you to create an echo effect of craziness!

  5. "Are you feeling me?"

    The first time I heard that I thought the lady was accusing me of accosting her.

    Also, anything old, uncool people (like me) say to try to sound like they are, uhm, connected to the youth culture, is like nails on a goddam chalkboard.

  6. @FCR

    What's with you crazy Brits calling things "Football" that aren't and just dropping 'u's wherever they are unnecessary and redundant.

    Hmm... humor? Yeah, you get one. How about.. honor.. No, that definitely needs some more letters!

    It would take at least 15 hotties lined up for me to make a move to England. Elizabeth Hurley would count for 20.


    Yes, thank goodness for the internet.? I'm now going to TP your house while you're away.


    Good call. Next time he says "needless to say" just yell "Exactly!" and turn around. Might work.


    Good sucky phrase. Pretend to use sign language and say "Ni'm def yu A howl!"


    Right. When you're old, it's time to just lie down, take your insulin, and watch Matlock.

    kidding. Do try, however, to use "you hear me barkin', dog?" instead of "are you feeling me" it'll make you seem even hipper than this particular young person is. Then lecture them about stuff.

  7. Caleb,
    Are we all finished with that turd in my pocket?