Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Entry 58: The Minneapolis Trip (aka Nerv's Big Day)

Hey Team!

Back from Minneapolis, where I joined Nerv in a weekend of debauchery.  If you have any vacations planned there in the next couple of weeks, I would bring your own booze because they just started restocking the state with alcohol today.  Sorry about that.  I was thirsty.

There was a lot that happened this weekend, so I'll give you a top-ten "by the numbers" version that should give you a good idea of what happened:

1. Irish Carbombs Drank: >15
2. Innings of Twins/Sox baseball watched: 17
3. Layers of harmony I sang, hungover, to make my own recording of the National Anthem: 6
4. Number of great-looking chicks in the Toby Keith bar: >50
5. Dents to Nerv's car added: 2
6. Number of times Nerv and I switched shorts at a crazy hippie-party: 2
7. Times pretended to be a guy who saw someone's ad on craigslist and texted them for a date: 1
8. Times that turned out to be hilarious: 1
9. Times tackled into a fence leading to moderately severe wounds: 1
10. Pain level from ripping off the bandage and tape from those wounds: 8

Yikes.  When you look at it that way, it's almost like some of these require some explanation!

First off, Nerv makes Irish Carbombs like a champion.  Instead of a half-Guinness, .75 shot of Jameson, and a half-shot of Bailey's, Nerv uses a full 15 oz. Guinness, 2-3 shots of Jameson, and a shot of Baileys.  Very, very dangerous.  And delicious.

Let's break down the actions of our 2 protagonists!

Sweet/Dick moves by Caleb and Nerv:


    Dick move:  his apartment has no fan, no air, and he turns the heat up to 140 degrees.  I literally had to take a spaceship to the sun to cool off now and then.

    Sweet move: during a massive hangover he got me coffee, smokes, and made scramby eggs.


    Sweet move:  walked 10 blocks round-trip to buy materials for lots and lots of carbombs

     Dick move:  made Nerv and his friend (The Nurse) leave in the 8th inning of the Twins/Sox game.  It was 6-2 and there was no way I could have known that the Twins were going to stage the most epic comeback in the 9th.   My bad.


    Dick move:
Was supposed to be DD for Toby Keith bar, instead he was so hammered he passed out in the bathroom.  I drove.  Quote from guy who passed him in the hallway of the bathroom: "That guy's havin' a great time!"

    Sweet move: 
Recorded and edited me singing the national anthem in my opera voice, very hungover, in 6 part harmony.  Tape forthcoming.


    Sweet move:  Went to a hippie party and was told to "switch pants" with Nerv.  Instead of a mass-hippie beatdown, I complied amicably.  Luckily I had some sweet blue underwear on

    Dick move:  Yelled at dozens of hippies while driving around town.  "Get a job, hippie!" I'd yell to some guy on a park bench, or "Nice Prius- now you can get great mileage when you drive to I'll-never-get-a-BJ-town!"  to some dude.  Or litter and drop cigarette butts right next to some chick on a moped.  "Earth can suck it."

The Bearded Bear:

    Sweet move:  Provided air conditioned shelter from the Nerv inferno and mixed some more reasonable Carbombs.

    Dick move:  Tackled me outside into an old rusty fence.  I might need a tetanus shot.  (though he did doctor me up pretty good)

I'm still missing a few stories, so I might have to follow up on this one.  Also, if I can, I'll provide a link to my recording of the National Anthem.  When I get it from Nerv, who is notorious for tardiness.  Like, not even kidding.  I'm going to make an official guess of 2 weeks, minimum.  We'll see!


  1. Hey proffer!

    I feel like I NEED that recording of the National Anthem. Can I use it as a ring tone?

    And yes, Prius guy will never get a bj. Ever.

  2. I'm going to use that Prius line ASAP - shittons of 'em in L.A. It's fun being a dick sometimes.

  3. Hey , hey... Don't hate on the girl with the moped... She's probably a decent chick with lots of dreams and a kickass figurine collection?

    Irish carbombs. Anything related to Ireland gets me hot. I'll have to try.

  4. Proffer? Confused. Well, milady, ye shall HAVE that recording once I get it from the Nerv. There must be some way to post it on here, right? I'll ask my technical team. aka me.

    Lisa, being a dick is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Just make sure to balance it out with an occasional act of goodness. Occasional, mind you.

    Probably a figurine collection, on her way to eat some organic tofu burgers and beansprout soup, then go watch a Michael Moore film.


    Not that I wouldn't have done her, but still. Just to teach her a lesson.

    And you've never had a carbomb? what are you Canucks doing up there??

    "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party. 'keep it down down there, eh?'" --Robin Williams