First, forgive the grammar of this post title. But you've heard that
This post is about the amazing transformation of my friend from OCD nut
It's a story of trials, tribulations, remote controls and beer.
So how bad was she? Well, let me give you a few of my favorite
1. Her hands normally look like a skeleton's, due to the fact that she hand
sanitizes after touching anything but air and carries around bottles of
it in her purse, car, desk, and pocket.
2. She is obsessed with the cleanliness of her dog and not only brushes his
teeth every day with a doggy-brush, but wipes his butt after he poops
outside. I know, right?
3. She couldn't touch dollar bills, and would hold her purse out so that
cashiers could just drop the money in. Later, she would go home and
drop the bills into a sink filled with soapy water. To dry them out,
she would hang them with little clothes-pins on a string.
4. Hotels were almost impossible. She would sanitize the entire room, and
put the remote control (using gloves of course) in a ziplock bag so she
would not have to touch it. ("I've seen those shows with the
blacklights! Fuck that!")
Well, she's a lot better now. Drugs, life, and copious amounts of
alcohol have given this gal an amazing life transformation! Here is the
new and improved K:
1. She not only touched a hotel remote-control, but drunkenly fell asleep
with it in her mouth, drooling down the buttons.
2. She not only touches, but actually (to prove a point) licked a dollar
bill. Straight from the stripper's ass, probably.
3. She has gone to a muddy redneck shenanigan-fest and not only gotten
dirty, but shared liquor with strangers and ate random redneck people's
4. Making out with strangers, smoking cigarettes until her lungs burn,
drinking what she calls "swill" (aka Bud Light); it's almost like I
don't even know who she is anymore!
So, let's hear it for her! What an amazing transformation, right?
The moral of this story is that, if you drink enough and hate yourself
enough, you can change anything about yourself that you want to.
Caleb "I might be a little OCD myself" Shreves