Entry 136: "S" For Espanol!

This is a story about my friend, Sanders.  Here's what you need to know about her for the purpose of this story:

1. She's very smart, and very bitchy.  In a good way.
2. She has very, very low tolerance for stupidity or slowness.
3. She's short.

Okay, I don't know about #3, but the other two are definitely relevant.

Sanders, now happily married, was recently divorced when I met her.  She said it was amicable, but I knew there were things she wasn't telling me.  It was odd, for instance, how the ex still did all her outside chores and work.  I think she paid him in M&Ms and Star Trek action figures, but still.  Seemed like slave labor.

Over time I chipped away and found things out that helped explain the situation.  They dated in high school, there was a military wedding benefit sort of thing, she was young, they were friends, blah blah blah.  Still, I knew something was missing.  Some key element to the story that would make the whole "friendly ex, slave labor, still boss him around at will" thing make sense. Finally, one day I got it out of her.

Caleb: "So really though.  You say he's not that sharp, he's like a little brother that you just boss around at will, yet he goes along with all this.  You can't stand dumb people as a general rule, yet you married this guy.  What's the deal?"

Sanders: "Well... okay.  There is more to the story.  He wasn't just a *little* slow."

Sanders: "Okay, you have to understand... I didn't know."

Sanders: "He was- only technically- sort of, ... in the special ed class in high school."

Sanders: "No let me explain!  I didn't know! Sort of... well, I kinda knew, but I kinda didn't!  

Sanders: "Stop!  No, I knew he was in a program, but but I thought it for being dyslexic!"

Sanders: "Caleb?"

Sanders: "..."

Sanders: "Shut up! No, you don't know.  No- he- shut up!"

Caleb: "So wait... you knew he was in a 'program' but then he said it was because he used to be dyslexic?"

Sanders: ::pause:: "Well, no.  When I knew he was in a 'program' I snuck into the office and found a list of students, some of which had an "S" by their name- his included.  He's Mexican, so I thought it meant Espanol.  You know, Spanish?"

 

Caleb: "S... for..."

Caleb: "S... you thought... was for... Espanol?"

 Sanders: "No, I know it sounds dumb, I knew he was in a class, I just thought it was the dyslexic thing and that maybe he's Mexican so- I didn't know what the S was- I didn't know -Caleb stop laughing!- I

didn't know that it was for Special Ed. Program -Caleb SHUT UP!- and plus it's not like he was full-blown Rtard or anything he was just -

SHUT UP I HATE YOU!- he was just a little slow!  He's totally normal, just like, you know, a twinge below the line!"

Caleb: "You mean the... Rtard line?"

Sanders: "I hate you!  I knew I never should have told you!"

Caleb: "So let me get this straight.  You thought he was a little slow.  Then you find out he's in a 'program'. You ask him, and he says it's for dyslexia.  You break into his records, see an 'S' by his name, and figure it means Espanol."

Sanders: "Well, pretty much, but-"

Sanders: "Ohmygod I hate you."
 
Caleb (eventually): "So when did you find out that he was short-bus special for realz? After you married him, right?"
 
Sanders: "Well no, before, but-"

Sanders: "Okay, yeah, I guess it's funny.  But you have to understand, by that time it was just convenient.  He was gone in the Reserves, he did all the chores, and we were pretty much just friends married for the benefits."

Caleb: "So what kind of dumb are we talking about?  Give me an example."

Sanders: "For instance, if you gave him like $20 to go to the store for something simple, he'd be back like 5 hours later.  You'd say "where's the fucking milk I asked you to get" and he'd be like, "Well, I forgot that, but I got this comic book and some M&Ms."

Caleb "if you don't hear any more from me, it's probably because Sanders read this and killed me" Shreves

PS this post is dedicated to Sanders, her new Cub fan husband, and their soon-to-be-arriving child.  Congratulations!  

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