Entry 36: Caleb Gets His Fingers Licked And Shits Fire

So what has Caleb been up to, you might ask?  Allow me to fill you in.

1.  The local tap has some new hot sauce for their wings.  Believe it or not, it's made with Bhut peppers (apt name).  If you can eat 6 in 15 minutes you get them for free and $25.  So yeah, I did it.  What's funny about it? Two things.  First, when I was done I offered to let others try the sauce by licking my fingers.  Three guys did (at the same time, too. Gay?), two went outside and puked.  Secondly, the old adage that spicy food is hotter on the way out is TRUE.  Imagine an un-extinguishable candle being lit and shoved betwixt your butt cheeks.  Yeah, not good. It was bad enough that when I even THOUGHT of pooping again later in the day my eyes watered up.

2.  I've been searching out funny and interesting blogs out there and then commenting on them.  Great success!  I've even got a girl to take a picture of a "Douchebag" flask just for me.  Now if I can just get her to send it to me.

Here are some example Caleb-comments on other people's blogs:

-To "Fishy", who dates tons of chicks and went on a particular date with a doctor who didn't return his texts. The funny text I refer to is, after she didn't say anything for a week, he texts "got any advice for athlete's foot?"

Fish-meister,
       I've been keeping up with your site for awhile now. Good stuff! Overall, pretty good game. However, your text-game needs a little work. First(ly), never respond that quickly- it makes you seem overly eager and a bit desperate. You have tons of fun things going on in your life that distract you from texting a girl you barely know. Second(ly), the texts "Shall I take that as a no?" and "I take it no second date?" are NOT allowed. I don't think I need to explain why.
       That minor criticism aside, your final text was spot-on. I think if you would have kept your first texts as irreverent   and funny as the last, you could have been eating more fishcakes.


-To my friend Krust, who got a new, fairly simple, tattoo but took 4 paragraphs explaining its many layers of meaning.

        I have a "C" on my back.  My name is Caleb.  Get it?  I'm a hardass.  Symbolize THAT.


-While looking for inappropriate web material.

       "The head of my broom is 2 inches thick, and the bristles are 7 inches long."
        made the June selection of the "That's what she said" competition. Check it out on                          imtellingyourmom.blogspot.com.     Also, goldfish are NOT delicious.


- To some random lady's family blog

       I'm just a "stumbler" onto this blog, but well done. I don't think it's demeaning at all for a woman to take pride in a clean home- especially a kitchen. While I may make chauvinistic comments about women cleaning/cooking etc, I DO think it is a serious job and should be treated that way.
       That being said, do you have any sisters?


- Commenting on a chick who has a dating blog and made up categories of guys.  FYI 9= The Commitment Phobe, 10= The Grass is Greener, 14= The Alcoholic, and 16= The Prick

       I've considered your list. I believe I'm equal parts 9,10,14,
and 16. Can we add a few categories?
       17. THE MEATHEAD. This guy where's shirts too tight, will punch his love into your face, and nearly always has on a  backwards baseball cap. He is the guy in the gym who wears the short shorts to show off his massive thighs. Avoid.
       18. THE MEGADOUCHE- Douche being the vague term that it is, this guy has many variations. Generally he's not very fun, usually possessive, hates kittens, and is almost virtually guaranteed to cheat on you (not that the other ones won't either). Favorite shot: Jagerbombs. Oh, and popped collars are pretty common
       19. THE DREAMGUY- This guy appears perfect. To YOU. He's not so perfect that you're suspicious, he's not too into you or too not into you. He's funny and seems ultra laid back. He seems to have some underlying real feelings that you can get to if you just dig a little and get to know him (usually some family issue that makes him look like more of a hero).  He's good looking, funny, and good in bed. Wait- what's the problem you say? He will eventually move on and make you feel less about yourself. How he does this may vary, but inevitably he will be the one who can call you for a booty call whenever he wants and you will feel powerless to resist his call.
Met any of these guys?
And shouldn't there be some categories that seem more... you know, flattering for guys? No? Okay, fair enough.



3.  There is a picture of me in circulation now where I appear to be kissing another dude with some sort of sauce all over my face (Cledus). If you look closely our tongues are definitely not touching, and the sauce is mustard.  End of story.

4.  Shameless flirting.  I mean lots!  And not only with good looking chicks- with anybody, anytime, anyplace.  I'm pretty sure I have the bank girls at HyVee wrapped around my fingers.  If I could magically cross-pollinate the face of the one with the body of the other we'd have ourselves a date.  Does making out with both at the same time count?

You stay classy, readers.

PS I left two big innuendos in this post.  Bonus points if you can find them! Tweet