Entry 146: Man VS. Nature, But Man Gets To Use Starting Fluid

I think that the spiders of my house are abusing my live-and-let-live policy.  I've felt recently that the number of random spider sightings at the Caleb estate has gone up, and this culminated (or so I thought) last month when I saw the biggest spider yet in my basement while doing laundry.  It was ::pauses, thinks of a way to not make this dirty:: um, it was thick, black, and hairy.  (Shit!)  Anyway.  I reacted like any normal adult male and shrieked while rushing to smash it with a half-used bottle of detergent.  The battle was over before it even began.

I told a few people about this spider, but I didn't tell LJ because I still had hopes that I could one day convince her to venture into my basement and do some laundry.  I know, I'm an optimist.  She's already scared of... something in the basement so I figured that telling her about a silver-dollar sized spider wouldn't help my case.

Literally- that's exactly what she said.

Last night I was heading out my front door to haz a smig* and I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks.   Let me try and re-create it for you.

Damn I'm good.

If you slowed time to a standstill, you could have identified four separate thoughts in my head.

1. That's strange.
2. Those look like insect legs.
3. More specifically, spider legs.
4. Wow- if those 2 legs are that big, then the spider must be
5. HOLY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY THAT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER EVER AND HE'S ALMOST IN MY HOUSE!!!

Okay, 5.

I collected myself for LJ's sake, took stock of the monster (holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, stay calm, holy shit), then assessed the situation.  I had to show somebody this monster, but if LJ was terrified of spiders and saw this thing then she might just run off in her nightgown, get in her car, and never step foot in my house again.  I decided to play it cool.

I think my "cool" looks more like tango dancing.  But what's the difference, really?

Me: "Hey there, LJ.  Question.  If you were to rank, say, bugs and animals and stuff on a freak-you-out scale, where would you put things?  Like, for instance-"

LJ: (slightly alarmed) "Did you see a snake?  Was there a snake?  Did you see a snake outside?"

Me: "No, no... but that's good.  So you'd put snakes at the top of the list?"

LJ: "I don't like anything."

Me: "Okay... but snakes are ahead of say... spiders?  Or bees?"

LJ: "There's a spider out there, isn't there."

Me: "Well there might... okay. Yeah.  It's fucking huge.  You have to come see it."

The die was cast.  We remained remarkably calm as we put on shoes and then side-stepped quickly through the doorway to get outside and take a look at the monster.  Oh, and while distracted, guess who decided to escape?  Yup- Worms.   Ungrateful cat.

It's hard to zoom in with an iPhone, but I tried to give a sense of perspective by using a lit cigarette.  Check it out.

Okay, that wasn't working.  For one, I was afraid of getting much closer to what I was sure was a wolf spider (they can jump).  PS THEY FUCKING JUMP.  So yeah, getting much closer wasn't an option.  But look at this picture- he barely looks as big as the doorknob.  In fact, he was bigger.  I had to take another picture.

Here's whats crazy.  I had to use my iPhone as a flashlight to see the thing.  But when I took a picture, I had to turn off the light in order to use the camera.  Leaving a brief period where I was IN THE DARK NEXT TO A MONSTER.  But I did this, for you.

That's a little better.

It was battle time.  The spider was endowed with fangs, venom, and agility, so I evened the score by scouring my house for the most dangerous chemicals I could find.

I passed up on Pledge (too lemon-y), decided against a carpet cleaner, and figured throwing dishwasher detergent cubes at it was going to be ineffective at best.  Unless I could actually get it into the dishwasher, in which case it would obviously be the best weapon.

So I went for a concentrated cleaning agent (like, you're supposed to dilute it or something dumb) and a bottle of starting fluid.  A fair match, I'd say.

As I sprayed it with Simply Green (turns out it was pet-safe and biodegradable- despite LJ's claims otherwise) it started jumping and running towards me, it's little fangs up in the air.  I grudgingly gave ground and added a good dose of starting fluid to mix with the cleaner.  It was trying to come at me, but was getting weighed down by all the shit I was spraying.  Finally, we reached a standstill.

I backed up, slowly, not wanting to lose sight of it, and searched for something to smash it with.  I found the discarded end of an old 10 pound dumbbell and held it several feet over Spiderzilla.  Then I dropped it.  Direct hit!  I picked it up and dropped it over and over again, until the spider was naught but a pile of legs and goo (in a puddle of starting fluid and simply green cleaner).  I wiped the sweat off my face and looked up to where I expected to see LJ, swooning over my bravery. 

Instead, I found her updating Facebook.  Seriously, Mark Zuckerberg- what have you done to us?

Caleb "1, spider: 0" Shreves

*"smig" is a new word for cigarette, coined by my brother Arby Tweet

Entry 145: The Five Minute Game. Oh, And Porn.

Yo-skis,

I decided to play a game today.  I get five minutes to pick popular topics and write something.  Yes, this is a coffee-fueled idea, and no- I *don't* want any goddamn sugar in my coffee.  Gross.

Setting the timer now... Go.

1. Casey Anthony trial

Did you know that some porn company had an offer on the table (heh... on the table) for her to do some adult videos?  True story.  They took the offer back after they assessed the extremely negative emotional reaction from people.  Porn standards- I know, right?  There goes my new drinking game idea, "See how long you can keep your boner while looking into Casey Anthony's crazy eyes."

2. Democrats and Republicans fighting over the debt ceiling.

Something about the whole thing reminds me of 2 straight guys getting tricked into doing gay porn.  They both show up on set, wieners in hand, look at each other and say "where's the bitches?"  Newsflash: there's no bitches.

3. Tosh.0.

Seriously- have you seen this fucking show?  It's awesome-tastic-mazing-ceptional.   That's a 4-combo adjective, which is the equivalent of a "fatality" in Mortal Kombat.  Tosh recently gave me the quote of the month: "Anal sex is like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't like it as an adult."

4. Soccer, some hockey, the French, hippies, tofu, sharing.

Gay.

Ding!  That's 5 already?  And yes- I type that quickly.

I feel cheated though... how about I take another 5, surf around, and see what sort of internet shenanigans I can come up with?  Go.

Suck it, Krust!

I hope cubs.com appreciates my candid feedback

The Johann recently bought a new SUV that smells like a steak and seats 35.   I call it "Canyonero" but he doesn't get the reference.  I used my last 2 minutes to finally find the video for him and share it.  You all know the reference, right?

And done.  Not bad for 10 minutes, right?

Bonus!  1 minute to list what else one could do with 10 minutes.  Go.

1. Have sex and then nap for almost 10 minutes.
2. Figure out that the Cubs are going to be losers this year
3. Get a degree from a community college
4. Wait for a beer at The Lucky Frog (Suck it, T!)
5. Get bored watching golf and play a 9 minute drinking game
6. damn!  out of time

Anyway folks.  This is a fun game- I suggest you try it.

Later!

Caleb "can I buy you a fish sandwich?" Shreves

PS technically I had an additional 15 seconds on the internet-shenanigan portion, so I've decided that I get a bonus.  Behold, the OCD-like qualities of my future roommate.  If she only knew how much beer of hers I'm going to drink...

I think she's getting serious about finding a place to live.  Oh, and yes, the bottom one is in regards to me selling The Nighthawk.  Blog Readers get a .01% discount!

Tweet