Monday, November 29, 2010

Entry 111: The Mystical Journey

The phone rings and I pick it up.  It's my dad.

"You ready for some Hawkeye action?  Yeah, baby! I'll be up there to pick you up at 11:45.  We have a lot of grilling work to do. Be ready."

"Yeah! I don't know if I'll quite be ready... I'm currently playing Halo and haven't showered or anything."

"Hmm.  Anyway, be ready.  See you at 11:45."


He picks me up and tells me to grab a coat.  But I heard it was supposed to be warm, so I'm pretty sure that a sweatshirt will do. I grab my light jacket and throw it in the truck, and after grabbing the moon flower seeds I bought online I hop in and we had off to the local bar (technically a saloon and general store).

Oh, right, the moonflower seeds.  I read on the Wikipedia main page that these common, pretty flowers have seeds that can make one trip out in a similar way to LSD.  Since I've never done LSD, and these are cheap and obviously legal and common, I decide that it's a good idea to buy them and give them I try.  I didn't expect much.

I chew up a couple handful of seeds on the drive to get grilling stuff from the house of Big Gay.  Dad and I arrive at the bar and setup our grilling station.  Chicken legs, burgers, brats, and steak are all on the menu.  We start with the fire way too hot and burn a half dozen burgers or so.

Dad says, "Well, looks like these are toast.  Good for the dogs I suppose."

I says, "Wait- what if we cover them in this shitty BBQ sauce and say they're 'blackened-cajun BBQ burgers'?"

We do, and sure enough we see later on that they were eaten.  Some people will eat anything, right?

After a couple of hours grilling, I'm freezing.  Turns out that reality is a much better forecaster of weather than day-before internet weather reports. 

I'm shivering and I head inside to feast on the grilled deliciousness we had created.  Before I get there I stop on a bench outside the bar and remember that I still had the rest of my moon flower seeds.  Since it had been over 2 hours since I ate the first few, I decide to finish them off and really give this a try.  The entire amount that I bought is less than online-people had recommended to trip anyway, so I was probably going to be fine.

Inside, I start to warm up.  But the shivering won't stop.  I panic; what if these seeds really did  do something?  What if I just took the equivalent of a bunch of LSD and I'm about to go on some crazy trip and freak out?  No. I'm cool.  It's in my head- like a placebo effect.

Wait.  No, it's not.  This is happening.  What's happening?  I don't know, but a lot of it.  Yup.  Definitely happening. Uh oh. And wait a minute- this is just hitting from the first batch I took; I just doubled that! Am I going to start tripping double in another couple of hours?

I feel the nausea that the website said I would.  I want to puke or something, but I never puke.  And besides, then people might suspect that I'm tripping ballz. Did I just admit I'm tripping balls?  Then I definitely must be.  Time to escape outside for a smoke; I just need to collect myself and act normal.

I go inside and someone says something to me about the food.  I scramble to come up with a 'typical Caleb' funny response. I say, "You taste the sauces on those brats?  There's probably one you might not recognize: the spice of love.  Dad and I sprinkled a generous amount on all the food we cooked."

They laugh, I'm off.  It worked.

For the next few hours I settle into a pattern that alternates between freaking out that I'm way messed up and feeling an awesome sense of peace and calmness.  Okay-ness, really. Regardless, for safety reasons I decided to take an emergency xanax (yes I brought one just in case) and rush to get as drunk as I can so as to disguise myself in an alcoholic haze.

I find a lady that I can talk to and not feel strange.  She was an older woman who is on every prescription known to man, including 12 (yes, 12) full 1mg doses of xanax per day.  There's no way she can think I'm tripping.  This plan is pretty good until the bright bar light that I'm under becomes unbearable.  I realize: lights and ambiance have a very significant effect on your immediate mood and contentment.  Why have I never realized this before?

The first time I go to the bathroom I stop and examine myself in the mirror.  Do I look all weird?  Let me check. Nope, fine, I'm just- oh wait a minute.  My eyes.  Holy shit. I have no irises!  I'm all pupil! Whoa. I look like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons when they dope him up and people think he's an alien.

Hours pass, I try to stomach a bite of food unsuccessfully, and I call The Nerv to leave a funny message.  At this point I've still kept my seed-experience to myself; something tells me that if I divulge my secret before I'm ready that it's going to cause me to panic.  Don't want that.  So I leave Nerv a long message that I can paraphrase for you now: "I like boobs."

Each time I had stepped outside to smoke I was freezing.  This got worse when the sun went down, which in winter apparently happens around noon.  That was hyperbole.  At about 7 I sit outside on a bench, smoking, talking to The Bear on the phone for a while.  We plan a fun trip (no pun intended) after I realize that I had usually only hung out with him in relation to other friends.  Time for just us to hang out.  Why had I never realized this?

As I'm sitting there, freezing, I try my hardest to not feel the cold.  To only feel it as an effect, and not be miserable or shivering.  Shamans and yogis can do it, right?  Apparently so can I.  My dad comes out and I finally tell him that, "you remember those seeds?  Yeah.  They're, uh, working."  I explain my ability to withstand cold and the connection I feel with the universe.  He calls me "The Mystical One."

Finally enough alcohol kicked in that I could just act drunk. And it wasn't that I wasn't drunk; only that I was a tripping, all-knowing mystical shaman who happened to be drunk.  I paid attention to stories and found I could actually place myself in another person's shoes.  Or memories, as it were.  Did you know that they used to have large outdoor music fests in small towns throughout Iowa where people would shoot off guns and ride their horses?  That was only like 25 years ago!  Crazy.

I was dropped off at another bar closer to home and think I talked to some people there.  I think.  I walked home later (2 blocks) and woke up the next day still feeling a little off. 

I wish I could better explain to you the effects of these seeds, but I mostly have to relate it to other drugs because they're all I know.  It was like a mix of everything I'd ever done, plus some new effects thrown in for good measure. There were a lot of things that I realized that night that have stuck with me.  Even throughout this week I've felt more calm and peaceful about life.  Weird.

Oddly enough, when I asked my dad about it he said I seemed perfectly normal.  I'm not sure I know exactly how to interpret that.

I won't say I recommend them for everyone, but I will say I am probably going to try them again. 

Caleb "The Mystical One" Shreves


  1. Funny that you mention Mr. Burns because whenever I'm high and my pupils seem more dilated then usual, I skip around waving my arms around weightlessly and say in my softest Micheal Jackson voice "J'apporte laaa paiiiixx." Which is what he says in our French version of the show.

    My friends love it. That, and when I start running like an ostrich.

  2. Nice posting. Do you know about these yoga books?

  3. I love that your dad was so cool with it - the quote at the top of your blog led to me assuming that he would be less so. Not that I know your dad or anything.