Thursday, April 28, 2011

Entry 140: It's All Fun And Games Until A Meerkat Steals Your Mojo

There comes a time in a man's life where he stands atop his kingdom, surveys the victories he has wrought, and smiles in smug self-satisfaction.  Confident in his role as Chief Shenanigator, he sleeps each night in comfort knowing that he, and only he, is master of all domains.  No one tells jokes as funny as he does, no one gets the girls like he does, no one drinks like he does- he's the King Winner in every sense.  Believing himself to be the sole haver of Adonis DNA, he inevitably lets his guard down and misses the new up-and-comer gunning for his spot as top dog.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what happened to me recently.  Let this tale serve as a warning to ye of the Tiger's blood.

It was a Friday night and I was going to see LJ perform in a stage production of Happy Days.  I left work early in order to pre-game at a local bar, since the only way my ADD will agree to two hours of singing and dancing is if I bribe it with alcohol.  I struck that bargain for a few hours and then headed to the show where I was meeting LJ's brothers/sisters/wives/girlfriends/guy-friends-who-are-totally-not-boyfriends.  Apparently her brother, Lampy, was bringing his girlfriend and a new friend of his, Oswalt The Meerkat.  Oswalt was visiting from England and had been staying with Lampy at school in Minnesota.  Supposedly he was quite the party-meerkat, but whatevs.  I'm me. 

I showed up, four Guinness deep, to the theater ready to enjoy the bucket of Bud Lights I had waiting for me at our table.  But wait- what the hell?  Someone drank them already?  What. The. Fuck.

I had to wait minutes (minutes!) for our waitress to bring me out a fresh bucket.  But again, whatevs.  He'll learn to recognize.  Besides, I think someone must have told them I'm in the audience because they're about to announce me to everybody.  God I hate it when they do this!  Sigh... being famous can have its drawbacks...

Stage Manager: "Thank you all for coming tonight!  We have a few special birthdays to announce tonight... and congratulations to Ethyl and Gene who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary!  Way to go, way to go.  And finally, we would like to recognize someone very special in the audience tonight..."

I start to rise from my seat.  Gosh this is embarrassing sometimes!

Stage Manager: "...all the way from England..."

What?  I'm not from England?

Stage Manager: "Oswalt Meerkat!  Where are you, Oswalt?"

I sat down sheepishly as hundreds of heads turned to look towards our table.  Oswalt jumped up, spilling his beer on me, and shouted:

Oswalt: "'Ello!  'Ere I am!  Right here!  'Ello everbody!"

What?  Yeah, they see you. You're special.  Now sit down.


Slightly sullen but undeterred, I guzzled beers and told jokes with Lampy during the show.  Everyone decided afterwards to have a mass celebration at a local bar, and I perked up at the chance to show everyone that I was hilarious and Oswalt was a cheap one-hit wonder.  Little did I know that things were about to go from bad to worse.

We rolled into the bar and I ordered a beer.  Which was promptly stolen.

Dick move, Meerkat.  You know, Caleb, you do that to people all the time!  And you always think it's pretty funny.  Shut up.  That's different.  I'm *me*.  Can't you see?  Eee-ee-eee!! *starts singing "you are so beautiful," stops, refocuses*  Anyway.  The point is, wait- is he telling my joke?  That's MY fucking joke!

"So right, there's these 3 Polish guys sittin around.  One of em says 'ey, I got an idea, let's play 20 questions.  I write something down on a slip a paper and you twos 'ave to guess it.  'Okay,' they says.  So the bloke writes down 'Donkey Dick' on some paper and slips it in 'is pocket.  The first guy says "Right-o, is it something you can eat?" And the guy thinks about it and says, "well, I guess... technically... you *could* eat it, I suppose," and the other Polish guy yells out "It's Donkey Dick, idn't it!"

Oh yeah.  He's fucking hilarious.  Telling MY goddamn jokes.  You know what?  I'm not even going to let this bother me.  Maybe I'll go find that brunette gal at the bar and impress her with my comedic wit.

You're kidding me.

Whatever.   I'll just step out for a smoke, get away from this chump for a minute, and collect myself.  Just because he's telling my jokes and stealing my beer does NOT mean that he's somehow the new Mr. Cool.  I just need to get my confidence back, regroup, and, --- you've got to be kidding me.  Her?


Fuck!  I've seen that girl slay would-be-dudes like a level 87 half-barbarian warrior cutting through dungeon rats with a +7 broadsword!  And he gets her in under a minute?  Caleb, your D&D nerd reference isn't helping your case. Fuck off!  That's not the point.  *I'm* the only one who can woo girls that fast! Damnit! Caleb, you're already here with the prettiest girl.  Who cares if Oswalt can charm girls as fast as you?  You've already won this fight! Seriously, inside-my-head voice, you just don't get it, do you?

By this time Oswalt had realized that he was getting to me, and -smelling weakness- tried to move in for the kill.  LJ, who hadn't fallen for his shit, tried to council reason.  She knew the consequences of a full-blown Caleb tantrum.

Caleb, aren't you *always* the one who thinks it's funny to torture other people and make them snap for your amusement? Voice!  Shut! Up! GOD!  Your "reason" is un-appreciated!


You know what?  I'm just going to march in there, grab that stupid meerkat by his dumb meerkat throat, and-  No.  Fucking NO.

It's kind of hard to score points in this game...

Do you know how long it takes to set a record on these games?  And he just strolls in from London, yells a few "cheerios" -whatever the fuck that is- and beats my record?  Bullshit!  No.  NO.  You know what? You know what??


I'm gonna rip his


His head... off... what?  Ella?  Is that you?

Yes, indeed it was.  My cat was apparently sending me psychic messages.  As my anger gave way to amazement, I saw a vision of my cat, Ella, swimming in my head.

Ella?  Are you really talking to me?  Or are you a manifestation of the reasonable voice I hear in my head?

What do you think, dipshit?  

Okay then, it's you.  Fine.  But why appear as my cat in a wig?  You know what, never mind.  What do you want?  I have some meerkat to kill!

Before you do, remember what the bible said: "When you stab me with your sword, you're really stabbing yourself and shit."

That's what she said!!  *goes for a high five*  Nothing? No? *awkwardly puts hand down*

Okay, so you're saying that maybe... I'm Oswalt and Oswalt is me?

::Smiles knowingly::

You're gay, reasonable voice.  That's totes lame.

Really?  Going there?  I hope you haven't forgotten *this*:

Oh my God- are you serious?  That was a Halloween costume!  And besides, that was years ago. Lots of people wore pink shirts with kittens, moons, and stars.  Whatever.  You're crazy.

Crazy, am I?  *I'm* crazy?  

That's what I said, isn't it?  Me equals sane, you equals crazy.  That simple enough for you?

Oh, I get it.  You're saying *every* sane person acts for hours like they're an old, blind, blues guitar player named Blind Melon?

I had a woman, you know she don't treat me good.  You know, I had a woman, and she don't treat me good.  You know that don't bother me no more, ever since I can't get wood... ba dom dom dom dooba doh dom... 

Blind Melon?  He's awesome!  Soulful yet edgy- like Justin Bieber if he had a mohawk.  Or like Neil Diamond on drugs, except they're fake drugs, but he doesn't know that.  And he's riding a camel.

Right.  Back to you not being crazy...

Fine.  I see your point, I guess.  Are you trying to say that Oswalt is some sort of younger me, prone to the same mishaps and learning experiences that I went through?

Exactly.  While it seems like he's stealing your moves, he's really just flattering you by trying to emulate the master. 

Interesting.  My ego likes that.  So if that's true, he's going to experience the inevitable consequences of his actions like I did?

Please.  Like you ever-

Okay then! Voice over.  Lalala! *plugs ears* I'm just going with my theory and assuming that Oswalt will crash and burn any minute.  Now where is that meerkat...

Yeah, I guess he is a bit like a younger me.  Always out trying to drink more than he can really handle.  Uh oh... switching to mixed drinks.  Better be careful, buddy!

Where's your hat, douche?

This is about where Oswalt started to get too cocky.  It's one thing to flirt with girls, and another to flirt with girls whose boyfriends are way bigger than you and right nearby.  But oh no- you go ahead, Mr. Cocky.

Yeah, keep going buddy.  Cause her boyfriend isn't right OVER THERE!

Yeah, like that stops girls!  Pshaw!  I shook my head as Oswalt moved in for the kill, thinking he was in the clear.  Unfortunately her boyfriend had a friend watching the whole thing.  Fine, reasonable voice, you may be right.  This is definitely reminiscent of my youth.

As her boyfriend rushed over, I thought I was going to see a meerkat-beatdown.  But in the final moment his friends jumped in and saved Oswalt's ass.

He pointed in case there was some confusion as to *which* meerkat it had been. 

See there, reasonable voice?  *I* would have gotten pounded, but Oswalt somehow manages to escape!

What? Wha- why are you wearing my Xbox headset this time?  I swear, if you chew through my cable-


What.. oh.  Uh oh!

And then it was on.  Cue music!

[Ahem.  Please play the video before watching the following fight scenes.  Warning: some of these images might be too graphic for younger readers.] [[Also, if this video gums up yer interweb, click this link to open the background music in a different window!]]

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting....

 And Oswalt leads off with a sweeping roundhouse to the face!

Those cats were fast as lightning...

Counter-punch, right to the kisser!  Anyone caught in the melee was fair game.  Bottles were being smashed, chairs thrown- it was kung fu chaos!

It was a little bit frightening...

Aww snap!  Arm twist by Oswalt!  Who even uses that move anymore?  Apparently Oswalt wasn't above fighting dirty...

They fought with expert timing...

Meerkat bite to the tongue!  *That's* gotta hurt!  As the fight reached its climax, Oswalt finally stepped over the line.

Apparently that was the last straw, as Andrew delivered the knockout blow moments later. 

Um... wait.  I got it.  It was... Andrew the angry boyfriend, in the bar, with a beer pitcher?  Ding ding ding! Whadda we have for her, Johnny?

While I certainly enjoyed watching Oswalt getting his ass beat, part of me felt bad for him.  True, he was full of the P&V like I was in my younger days, but I never really got my ass whooped.  Oswalt finally came to, but by then he was in even worse trouble...

That's right.  Rock Island's finest had heard about all the funky chinamen in funky chinatown and had arrived to cart everyone off.  Everyone.  We pleaded our case that it was all Oswalt's fault, but since everyone had gotten involved they couldn't sort everything out at the bar.  They wanted to take everyone to jail- even Funky Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chung!  I realized that my wish for Oswalt to receive his comeuppance had backfired and now everyone would pay the price.  Wasn't there something I could do to set this straight?

News team, assemble...

What's that?  Worms?

News team, ASSEMBLE!

Why are you quoting Anchorman?  Do we have to go back to the you're crazy refere-


Wait... wait...  I remember!  My mom always told me that in case of a severe emergency I should use my Egyptian mummy super powers to call in reinforcements... Okay... breath... remember your training... who can I get to help...

Jason Fechner...

The Channel 8 news guy?  

He reads the news... His voice could make a kitten purr... his suits make Sinatra look like a Hobo... call him, Caleb... Call him!  The arsonist has oddly shaped feet!!

I chanted the words, over and over, waiting for Jason to appear.   I began to doubt if it was going to work at all, and wondered if I should have called the super-hottie Cassie Heiter instead.  Sure she does weather, but come on: check her out!   Before I could reconsider, Jason appeared in a flash of light.  He waved his microphone at everyone in the room and yelled "No-jailious Petronus!"

It worked!  The cops started dancing, Jason read some breaking news, and Oswalt apologized to everyone involved.  More importantly- I was the hero for saving the day!  Well, Jason got most of the credit, but still.

Look!  I made him a nametag!  Suck that, 3rd grade teacher who said I lacked creativity!

Oswalt was pretty cool after all that, and even offered to buy me a beer.  Unfortunately he couldn't remember his PIN for the machine and promised to hit me back next time if I spotted him a few bucks that night.  I'm sure he's good for it,  I mean he-

Really Caleb?  You're going to ignore the fact that he pulled a classic Caleb "get a free beer while still seeming like the good guy" on you?  You know what?  Maybe you *have* lost your-

Annnnnnd... stop.  Sorry, reasonable-voice.  I've reached my daily capacity for listening to your nonsense.  You may save me from a scrap now and again, but for the most part you're anti-winning.  And we can't have that.

While this particular night ended well, I certainly learned a lesson about keeping my edge.  Sure, I defended my top spot against a dapper meerkat with Egyptian newscaster-summoning powers this time, but maybe next time I won't be so lucky.

Maybe next time it'll be a wasp.

And I'll be hungover...

Caleb "Yay I did some MO without injuring myself!" Shreves

PS Find "The Blog Experiment" on Facebook!  I added a page because, well, that's just what the kids are doing these days.

PPS And, if you want further Oswalt stories, he's on Facebook now!  Look for Oswalt Mkat [apparently a person with the last name "Meerkat" is sufficiently strange enough for them to need to approve it...I guess Facebook doesn't follow Name Of The Year!]



  1. Oh. My. God. I honestly have no words. I definitely need to head home and soggy up my brain with some liquor before this will make any sense to me whatsoever. I'll have to revisit this later tonight.

  2. I'm impressed. Being there myself, I find the story a bit more interesting in this telling. :P

  3. haha. caleb tantrum.

    and i'm still stuck on the fact you acted this all out with a meerkat doll thing. that is dedication.

  4. Best. Post. Ever. What a dick that Oswalt guy is. Although, I find him so attractive, don't know what that is about, lol.

  5. It Speechless.

  6. I had no idea that anyone ever read this while *not* liquored up.

    Wow, you learn something every day!

  7. I just want everyone to know that he's been bragging about this night since it happened. Won't shut up about it.

    Also, I really hope no one ate any of the peanuts from the bin after about midnight or so...he admitted he didn't make it all the way to the "loo."

  8. Wow wow wow! Two things came to mind after reading this: First, this dude is either nuts or really good at having multiple convos with himself and second- why isn't he publishing short stories. I've been away for a minute but talk about a welcome back. Are the pics actual or your photoshop'd mastery?

  9. Well you see Caleb, not everyone can spend their work hours belligerently, sloppy drunk. Not that it doesn’t happen…umm. So yes, every so often we’re forced to delve into your world of chaos stone cold sober.
    And Lampy…really? Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes. Uck!

  10. You have some amazing friends...and even more amazing cat. Kudos to you, good sir. Kudos.

  11. Wow! Funny shit, dude!! I love it. I'm confused, but I loved it. I'm with Linds, Oswalt's kinda hot:)

  12. Brilliance. My mojo was threatened once too, except it was by a cat who ended up getting eaten by a coyote. So it's all good.

    p.s. Do you think maybe you could hook me up with Oswalt? He's kind of sexy as hell.

  13. The adult in me thinks it's strange, but the split personality in me likes the sweet photo frosting. Seriously, quite strange. Not quite Steammeupkid strange, but if what Becky says is a a 10 out of 10 on the crazy scale, this is a 6. Nice job! Nice job getting your friends(unless you paid people to pretend they are hanging out with you, in the pictures) to participate!

    Mark :)

  14. Did you re-watch Beauty and the Beast recently? Because that opening paragraph was totally plagiarized from Gaston's song.

    Got a cleft chin? KNEW IT!

  15. Caleb, ya freak, that was incredible!

    Should I be worried about us? You're off partyin' with meerkats, I got cat parties in my alley. I gotta wonder if those mushrooms were really a good idea after all...

    Oh, who am I kidding? Those things were a GREAT idea.


  16. As a specimen yes I'm intiiimmidaaaating... Mollie, I watched that movie 43 gojillion times growing up! We were super poor and I had 4 movies to choose from- that was one. I'll tell you the other 3 some time.

    Pearl- Thanks! That means a lot! And I meant to tell you, I slipped you a pot brownie before all that and you never even ate the mushroom. I was just messin with you.

    Mark- "but the split personality in me likes the sweet photo frosting" Ahem. I think it would be the split personality in "us" right? Thank you. Also, if I'm getting close to 60% Becky-crazy I might want to examine my life. For awesomeness.

    Et tu, Shani? Sigh. You know he's just going to use you, tunnel through your house, and move on right? Whatevs. You can haz him.

    Sherri- Thanks! Linds? Also, what I told Shani: be careful with those kinds of guys!

    L2E- Thanks! They're okay I guess. For a pack of losers. j/k! (no not really)

    Vapid- roger that. Maybe I could start flagging some of my crazier posts with warning signs. "ALERT: SOBER PEOPLE! DO NO READ THIS UNTIL BAC REACHES AT LEAST .08!" That might work.

    Carmen- Both (nuts and split personalities). And no, these are all actual photos. Pretty lucky I ran into an old cop friend and the news guy! I'll probably write a book one day... what should I title it? How about: "Life. And other reasons to stay in bed." Not bad, not bad.

    Lampy- Tell that meerkat that at least 3 girls have called me wanting to know how to contact him. About some "urgent" matter. They didn't seem happy... more surprised, worried, sick, and hungry for weird foods. Not sure what that's all about.

  17. That was just brilliant! You are sooo funny. I just LOVED it! :o)

  18. This is hilarious. I must say though, I miss your illustrations. Paint is the way forward. Was Oswalt actually a cockney? Or is that the only way you could make your writing sound English? Lol.

  19. God, I hope you still have that cat shirt. Tres chic.

  20. OK holy shit, I am really glad I peed before I read this, since I am laughing so hard! Anyone who uses the word "fuck" along with multiple pictures of meerkats in the same post is OK by me.

  21. Where do I begin?...first of all, that meerkat is fucken cute and nothing says great post better than talking meerkats. Seriously, brilliant idea!
    And second of all, you and I could never be in the same room together: our egos would not fit!
    But I loved this! Comedic genius! I love finding bloggers who make me laugh out loud. Glad Cake Betch sent you my way so that I could return the visit, and have found a treasure...don't let that go to your head though. It's probably all because of the meerkat.

  22. I think the cat should have gotten a shot at the Oswalt. You had me seriously wanting him injured for you, especially after you fell for the he'll-get-you-back-next-time thing. Glad I stumbled onto this little gem. :)

  23. Dude you just killed me.

    I will have to sue you for culpable homicide. In 5 years time. When I have my law degree.

    I'll be back.

  24. Laura- My experience with British accents is 60% Austin Powers and 40% the Geico gecko. That's really all I have to work with.

    Wifey- looked all over, couldn't find it. Starting to think it was photoshopped. I mean, there's no way I wore that shirt, right?

    Everyone who likes the meerkat, suck it. If you hate him like me, you're awesome. Simple.

    And don't give my cat any ideas- she's kind of a who-ore.

  25. Also, someone asked me if the stage manager at the theater really announced the meerkat to the crowd.

    Yes. Yes she did. True story.

  26. Hey Caleb, does Oswalt have a blog? No offense or anything, but I think I'd like to not follow you anymore and follow whatever blog Oswalt is writing. He's just so charismatic and irresistible and he tells the funniest jokes evar. No hard feelings mkay? Can you hook me up with his digits?

  27. Last I heard, he was headed off with Bradley Cooper, Narddog, and Zach Galifianakis to a place called Vegass? (sp?) Said he'll be back soon.

    Thanks for the loyalty.

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