Saturday, December 3, 2011

Entry 150: Maybe You're Not Crazy, But Are You Wearing Pants?

I like to sit out on my balcony, survey my kingdom, and read the shit out of some books.  Since I'm in law school though, I also like to do my school reading out there too.  But it's pretty boring and takes forever.  At first I stay interested and get involved with what I'm reading.

Eventually though I start to lose my mind.  I don't know when it happens, or exactly why, but pretty soon I become convinced that I'm starring in a horror movie and that somebody is sneaking up behind me with a knife.  I'm watching myself on TV shouting "turn around Caleb! He's going to shank you!"  So I keep turning around to look, but nary a knife do I see.

Convinced I'm going crazy, I usually go distract myself by... well, anything.  Because "anything" is pretty much what qualifies as "more fun than reading for law school."  And yes, that includes kicks to the junk.

But maybe I'm still crazy.  How else could you explain this?

What!  I KNEW there was a ninja trying to knife me!  Real subtle, ninja.  Real subtle.

But maybe I was imagining that.  Hard to tell.  But... cats don't ordinarily love cigarettes, right?  I mean- am I crazy or is my roommate's cat going crazy for cigarettes?  Nope.  I'm hallucinating.  Definitely crazy.

Hmm.  I'm probably not crazy, but how can you tell?  Well I suppose one way is that your own cat is begging to be shipped away from you because she fears for her own safety.  I thought cats stuck with you till the bitter end?  They're not supposed to bail on you just because you might be a little crazy!

When I reminded her that there wasn't any room for food in the box, she backed out. 

Hmm.  I may or may not be hallucinating, but surely I'm not acting  crazy or anything.  It's totes normal to roll your cigarettes in your sleeve and shave down to a mustache, right?

"Is that a mustache or a shadow?" asks Aubree.  Thanks.  As if it's not already
 embarrassing that I'm almost 29 and can't grow a beard.  

Okay.  A little weird.  I'll go back to reading, but some fun, nerdy sci-fi stuff instead of law school.  Like this- what the hell!  No way.  No way somebody would make this a title of a chapter.  I'm going crazy.

Fine.  FINE.  There is only one sure-fire way to tell you're not crazy.  Wearing pants.  Crazy people do. not. wear. pants.  Hence, as long as I have pants on, I can't be crazy.  But do I?  I realize that I no longer know what "pants" means, nor do I understand the concept of "wearing."  So not wanting to go to school each day as a crazy pants-less guy, I have to get confirmation from my roommate that I am, indeed, wearing pants.

So far I've always managed to wear pants to school.  BUT, one day I spent 5 minutes confirming that I had pants on, but left the house in my slippers instead of my shoes.  And everybody knows that forgetting shoes is just one crazy step from forgetting pants.  There will come a day, friends, where I will NOT be wearing pants.  If you see me that day, please take me into custody, shave my stupid face, and make sure I get pants on right away.  Kthanks.

Pants-Caleb out.

No.  I'm totally not going crazy.  

(number of times I checked for pants wearing while writing this: 7)


I found this picture and it's funny.


You Allie fans might appreciate this one:


  1. This is so familiar. During every day of high school for 2-3 years, I'd suddenly wake out of a fog while in carpool or the middle of class and scream "UNDERPANTS!!" because I was suddenly convinced I'd forgotten them under my uniform skirt. Everyone was very understanding though, and chalked it up to PTSD from the time I HAD forgotten underpants under my uniform skirt.

    I think you too are suffering from a no pants trauma.

  2. I don't wear pants and I like it!! Of course Anita doesn't know what the hell to think about it, or does she? Wait a minute, what if I am wearing pants but I think I'm not!!!

  3. STEAMY- You had my at uniform skirt. Also, to my knowledge, I've never actually forgotten pants. But it still could be PTSD. When I was a kid and had friends over, my dad would roll out of bed in the morning in his ratty whitey-tighties with his hair all "maybe I'm going to look like a rooster today" going on. He'd come out, grab some coffee, wave to my friends and say "howdy." Pretty traumatic. Perhaps it's the Freudian "I want to make sure I don't end up like dad, so I HAVE to have pants on" kind of thing. Regardless, "no pants trauma" is getting added to the physicians desk reference this year. Bet on it.

    Dusty. That's the true question in life: are these really pants? Maybe we're all not wearing pants, but it's a mass lie we tell ourselves. You at least wear them to work right? I'm pretty sure the arsenal has a you-definitely-have-to-have-pants on policy. Which, you know, is probably good.

  4. That's just pants.

    Pants being the funny word of the day. Really. Pants means panties here. No shit.

    BTW, love your cat.

  5. I had to leave my friends on the front porch while I checked to make sure Dad had pants on. I've also found the term 'tightie-whities' is inaccurate at best. I believe they should be called 'not-so-tightie-whities' or 'your-kids-gonna-need-therapy-inducers'.

  6. Pants means panties? Then what's the word for... pants? NO word for pants? NO PANTS? Breathe... calm down....

    PS you can have her

    Kim, yes. Absolutely. The "tight" part might have been true when they were first bought, but not a decade later. They looked like they would win a million dollars if the touched the floor, so they tried their hardest!

    Andrew. I know, right? How was I supposed to take the end-of-the-world stuff seriously?

  7. 1. I'm not wearing pants.


  8. I don't know how you are surviving reading caselaw...I spend HOURS in the law library preparing to fight my ex in court, and I feel stupider for it. Yes...stupider. I'm even cross-eyed now. And I wouldn't doubt I forgot to wear pants once or twice.
    I should just be able to challenge the bar when this is all said and done.
    Sorry, I tangented. Stupider.

  9. 1. put pants on IMMEDIATELY. Unless, you know, there's reasons to not wear pants*
    *would need a separate post to discuss

    Esme... yup. That's why I've studied significantly less than my classmates. The more you know, the more you realize you don't know. I choose to know some stuff, and then just assume that's all there is to know. If something comes up on the exam, I'll just make it up. Likely there will be some jurisdiction that follows whatever BS I say and the teacher will think "wow! He's really done his homework!" Yup. That's m'plan. What'r you fighting your ex about? Don't chicks just cry in court and win by default?

    Oh, and good pants story today:

    Roommate: "You have pants on! Way to go!"
    Me: "Yup!" ::proud, stupid grin::
    Roommate: ::points to hole in jeans near the knee:: "Aren't you worried about your pants having a hole in them?"
    Me: "Nope. You see, I could only have a hole in my pants if I was WEARING PANTS. Hence, the hole in the pants is proof that I do, indeed, have pants on."
    Roommate: "You know, that's sort of brilliant."
    Me: "Why do you think I wear pants?"


    And, I would like to say, I've been very heartened by the support I've gotten over this pants issue. Many people have stepped up to share their stories of pantslessness or pants-related anxiety. It's nice to know there's a supportive community out there!

    Let's organize. Pant-wearers Association of National ...Tarantula..... okay, I was trying to come up with an acronym of P.A.N.T.S. That didn't work out so well.

  10. My 83 year old grandma tried wine for the first time in her life. I'm inspired.

  11. Wow, that chalk picture is impressive!! And pants are overrated. That is all.

  12. Why don't you just wear two pairs of pants.

    Shibang. Problemo el solvidito

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