Monday, October 31, 2011

Entry 149: Let Me Put My Law In You

Legal education is expensive. Especially when you actually go to school for it. So let me save you some money and learn you some legal stuff, free of charge. Here are 10 lessons from actual cases* that you can use in your daily life. For convenience, I've put these in a format that's easy to remember.

*facts may be distorted at my convenience

Lesson #1

Lesson #2

Lesson #3

Lesson #4

Lesson #5

Lesson #6

Lesson #7

Lesson #8

Lesson #9

Lesson #10

I hope this helps.  I would cite the cases for you and give you some more specific information, but my laziness prevents me from doing so.  Just have to take my word for it, I guess!

Also, sorrs about the posting delay.  I had 2 "almost" posts that, if they had worked out, would have kept me on schedule.  Internet: 2, Caleb: 0.

And, since it's been a while, here are a few updates, bullet-style.

- I gave my first impromptu stand-up performance for an audience consisting of drunk guys and gals in costume waiting in line to use a single restroom.  I explained that there was likely to be some errant pee in the vicinity of the toilet, as well as the inherent un-aimability of the male wiener.  Seriously- I think you women vastly over-estimate our level of control over these things.

- A new friend gave me my new favorite quote.  After intensely scanning a crowded room full of law students, he turned to me and said: "there is LITERALLY nobody in this room I wouldn't do."

- My team, the Cubs, signed an awesome general manager and president of baseball operations.  My hated enemy, the Cardinals, won the world series.  Yes, I still live in St. Louis, and no, I haven't been killed or put in jail yet.

- It's totally normal sometimes to wonder, "Am I really an alien?  Is this life or a Stephen King novel?" Right?  Right? I was a bit worried for a while that I'd lost what sanity I had left.

- Dad is doing well in Afghanistan, and says he has a lot of great stories.  He hasn't written any or delivered anything to me to post for The BS Update.  He did, however, almost die with his girlfriend and two small children while attempting to paddleboat through some rapids on the Wapsipinicon river.  Fact: plastering someone with wet leaves in an effective sun-blocking technique.

What have YOU been up to?  I know that I haven't been reading and commenting as much as I normally do, but I promise I try to keep up with all my friends and fellow bloggers. If you've done something of note recently, please add it to the comments.  And by "of note," I of course mean shenanigans.

C out.


  1. This is so funny, and I'm so glad I didn't waste any time studying law now you've covered it all off for me.Theres £1000000 I won't have to spend!

    My fave bit was definitely:
    It's totally normal sometimes to wonder, "Am I really an alien? Is this life or a Stephen King novel?" Right? Right? I was a bit worried for a while that I'd lost what sanity I had left.

  2. Funny...I'm in Chicago and a die-hard Cardinals fan. I'm amazed I haven't been stabbed yet ;)

  3. Whenever I see that you have 'liked' or commented something on my Facebook page, I always think to myself, "Caleb still loves me." But then Caleb never comments on my posts anymore, & then I realize that he may, in fact, not love me.


  4. Yay!!! Return of The Caleb!! Yes, I said "the".

    Oh how I've missed all of your shenanigans. Who else could make me hope for a series on:

    -where's my phone
    -cat's can't get along
    - drunk. Again.

    I was wondering if you'd gone under somewhere writing a relationship "how to" or something.

    Your absolutely nuts and I soooo look forward to some uh...more frequent posts. Using the excuse that you're busy (come on, it's 'only law school') is as lame as a dude saying he was too busy to call me back.

    Welcome back!

  5. Thanks Charlotte- though we don't use that crazy foreign money around here, so please convert your comment to dollars when you get a chance.

    Love2- I just put 'stabbing you' on my list of things to do on my next trip to Chicago. Thanks for the reminder!

    Andrew, are you trying to get me to bombard your wall? Cuz I'l do it. I hwill. In fact, I told at least 3 people about the "chinese brocorri" picture.

  6. MDH- "return?" Maybe I should write a post on how the blog world is like an ADD kid with too much candy on Halloween.

    And a relationship "how to?" The cackling of women who read that and know me is deafening! Though, maybe I could actually write a "how not to" book. An expansion of my "man classes" idea. Funny, my friend recently had a guy commit one of the cardinal sins: consecutive, creepy texts whining about not getting a response. Seriously? I've much work to do.

    And yeah, maybe I had a bit of a delay, but in fairness I had 2 other ideas that just didn't quite make it. I even have 12 "custom greetings" recorded on my phone I was going to post for people to use in their voicemail... too bad that didn't work out.

  7. In moments of intense boredom in university stats classes, I used to amuse myself by mentally going through my classmates and determining who I would have slept with if I wasn't with my boyfriend (now husband). I recall coming to the disturbing conclusion that either my classmates were extremely hot or I needed to raise the bar. Good to know I have a soulmate out there.

    And then people are shocked by the behaviour of a "respected judge" or partner in an accounting firm 20 years later.

  8. Aw, I've missed your shenanigans!

    You know, The Husband and I belong to a private club where the majority of members are lawyers and judges (which is mighty helpful when you get called to jury duty. When you say you know the dude representing, or you know the judge, they dismiss you pretty quickly).

    But they are some of the most obnoxious drunks I've ever encountered. But in the fun, hilarious way. Which I imagine you to be.

    And I have been up to nothing.

    The end.

  9. Ixy- yup. You might also be interested in his binary ranking system. Instead of the traditional 1-10, he uses 0 or 1. I've pointed out numerous flaws with this approach, but he's sticking with it.

    HW- I've always assumed legal types were the most obnoxious drunks, but there is a disturbingly high portion of classmates that refuse to party or have fun, instead opting to appear professional and always study stuff. What are they studying? Seriously- it's not that difficult.

    And I call bullshit. Up to nothing? Not likely. I'll just have to make up stories in my mind of what you've been up to and assume they're true. Yup, on my way to being a good lawyer...

  10. I think we're Cardinals fans. Or the fans of the farm team for the Rangers.

  11. Mollie. "I think we're Cardinals fans" embodies the exact thing that I complain about Cards fans. Basically... their 'not-fans-ynish"
    Don't be tempted by the dark side.