Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Entry 147: Lazy? Shit No! I've Been Busy Learning Stuff. And Things.

Hey there, patient readers. 

First off, I realize that I've been postless (What? Postless isn't a word?  I HATE you, red-squiggly-underline-thing!) for some time now, and I want to assure you that it's not because of some artistic choice, or me trying to be like all the cool bloggers, or that I'm a lazy shit that found new distractions and abandoned you for videos of laughing babies.  Au contraire!  What happened is that very little happened in the last few weeks other than me getting ready to move to St. Louis.

Yeah, sure, there have been several slightly-amusing things that have happened, but you don't think I would just loosely tie all those things together in some post of poorly-hid random musings, do you?  Of course not.

So as I get ready to move to St. Louis this weekend, I've been thinking of what I've learned recently.  The life lessons and hard-won wisdom of my recent life.  Without further ado (shutup, Sharla- I'll type as much as I want) I present to you...

Caleb's Life Lessons from approximately some time ago until now.

Lesson #1.  Constant Complaining is a viable way to get what you want. 

I have been bitching non stop about you-know-what at work.  Recently, the vendors-that-be decided to finally stock the vending machine (dick) with blue Doritos.  Rejoice!   The next day, they took the vending machine out of the building.  Mother. Fuckers.  As to lesson #1?

Apparently someone realized the correct way to get me to stop bitching about not having Blue Doritos.  Touche, Reebs.

Lesson #2.  Spend time with your friends while you can. 

Unicorn Horns make the best disguises

It's tough when you leave a group of friends.   You get busy trying to prepare for a big move, and sometimes you think you can cram in a bunch of hang-out time and stock it away, like salt pork for a long winter.  You can't though.  Take the chances you get to visit your friends while you can, because you know they're a pack of lazy shits who will forget about you as soon as you leave and certainly aren't going to take the trouble to come visit you.  

And since you're going to have to do a bunch of boozin' in your new city to make new friends, it's a good idea to play the "you know I'm going away, right?" card to get your friends to pay your bar tab.  Save some money. 

Lesson #3. People will ask you dumb questions about your move, so respond accordingly with dumb answers.

*these are all actual questions I've been asked recently.  Often by several people, or the same person several times

Are you going to live in a house?

No.  They actually don't have houses in St. Louis, so I'm probably going to rent an official Washington University Conestoga Wagon.  That way I can use it to sleep in and procure sundries from the big city.

Doesn't it take 7 years of school?

Yes, but only if you opt for the Lawyer/Dentist/PhD 3-for-1 degree special.  I think that's what I'm going to do, since they're having a half-off degree sale through August.  

A 3 bedroom house? Are you going to have roommates?

What? And give up my arcade room and Guitar Hero workshop?  Pshaw!  As if!  How can I be expected to study if I don't have ways to blow off some steam?

Are you going to take a truck to move your stuff?

Nope.  I sold my +3 Longsword (+7 vs. Orcs) to the local arms merchant for 1800 gold pieces and bought a bag of holding (encumbrance .7) that should hold everything and fit in my car.  Suck it, Uhaul!

Lesson #4.  All those hours of playing video games DO pay off, mom!

In July my neighborhood bar brought in an old arcade machine that has awesome games like Dig Dug, Galaga, and Frogger.  They thought it would be fun to have a contest on Frogger where the high score for the month wins a pizza party with lots of beer.  So at the beginning of the month I dropped .50 cents, used 1 frog, and set a high score that was pretty beatable.

For a gamer.  I think, though, that I'm the only gamer in town.  Because nobody got close for most of the month, though the bartender Missy tried just about every day she was there.  I was worried that my tease-and-destroy plan was going to fail, but 2 days before the contest was up I was rewarded with this:

11,800 points?  Impressive! Nice work, Missy!

Boy was she proud.  No less than 3 people texted me within the hour to gloat over the fact that my high score was finally beaten and there would be no free beer in my future.  So I rolled in the night of the 31st with .50 cents and destroyed Missy's glory. 

Lolz!  I was still on the first frog and just kamikazed the other 2.  For spite.

Ah, sweet victory.  And yes, my beer and pizza were delicious.

Lesson #5.  Skydiving is awesome and life really helps you hassle people sometimes. 

Last year I went skydiving with Krust.  Her OCD required her to look up pictures of all the tandem instructors that might have to be strapped to her and make sure none of them were "too gross."  She was fine with all of them except one guy, Billy Bob.  She said that if she was matched with him that she would go back to the car, stab her eye out, and drive home to take a week long shower just to get rid of the thought of jumping with him. 

I went jumping again last week, dragging Kimmie with me because I got her to drunkenly agree last year to go if I went again.  She thought I would forget, and I didn't.  So in addition to the joy of watching Kimmie fall out of a plane, I got this: 

Lesson #6.  Never trust a gay instructor in a cooking class. 

Seriously- how do you even cut this into slices? 

Caleb "extra meat" Shreves


  1. So. When you move. Are you taking your blue Doritos?

    Huh. That was seriously the lamest question I could come up with?

    I know. *hangs head in shame*

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  2. What am I going to do without having you to harass almost everyday??? More importantly, what will become of you when you no longer have my stalwart wisdom to show you the error of your misguided decisions? *sigh*

  3. In our little town, your absence will, you'll be gone and stuff. So, in preparation I went to the bar and drank some shots without you as a test to see how different my life would really be with you gone.

    The first thing I noticed was that I actually am buzzed after about 3 shots. Apparently, I don't have to drink the WHOLE bottle to have a good time. Weird.

    Second, the people I was hanging out with were laughing with me throughout the night. Not at me. Hmmm, refreshing.

    Third, I had absolutely no urge to punch, slap, kick or tackle any one. Incredible!

    Fourth, everyone called me by my name. Just Kim. Not Kimmie, Kimamelia, Dorkasurus, K-Mac, etc. LOVED IT!!!

    I know you are worried (LOL) that I will be a little lost without you in M-town. Because you are such a caring and concerned friend (God, please don't strike me down for that sentence) you want to make sure that your absence causes your friends as little sorrow as possible. I want to ease your mind. I've already got a new Caleb in training. He's a bit burly so I'll have to get used to being the "feminine" one in the friendship, but he's a total smart-ass and funny to boot. I am quite sure I will make it just fine.

    In other words, I will be about as happy for your future elsewhere as you were to see me fall out of a plane.

    Adios and Vaya con Dios,


    P.S. Total bullshit. I'm going to miss you.

  4. I want pizza and beer!
    Good luck on the love!
    Watch out St. Louis, you'll never be the same after The Caleb sets down.

  5. *move... I meant move...
    Although -love works too

  6. I get yet another shout-out (sort of) on your blog.

    I will never sky dive.

    People ask stupid questions. Sometimes I purposely withhold information just so I don't have to deal with the idiocy. And it wouldn't seem so bad if the questions seemed to come from a genuine place, but usually they're pretty superficial.

  7. LOL, I loved lesson 3 ... and the rest!

  8. What did it feel like for YOU to have a guy strapped to your ass, the whole way down? Seems like you do this a lot, so I guess you just get used to it after a while, Right???

  9. Great blog Caleb! During my divorce people always asked me: Where are you going to live? I always answered: Well according to my ex, Hell but I can't live there because she is already Hell's Queen Bitch!

  10. Thanks! (generic answer that could vaguely apply to everybody- except you, Mark)

    I've not tried to ignore you, or quit posting, but I've been without interwebs for some time.

    And let me tell you- that. sucks.

    Donkey balls.

    It sucks so bad that I'm not even that mad that they broke my 54 inch plasma TV when hooking up internet and cable.


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