Me: "So, uh... yeah. I like, like your books and stuff."
Wayne: "Thank you. It's such a blessing to be able to fulfill your calling and feel so on purpose."
Me: "Right... anyway. So you say that we're all like, one and stuff. That we're all born out of the same source and that separateness is an illusion and we should all be loving and compassionate towards each other."
Wayne: "That's correct. I call it feeling "good" which, of course, is synonymous with feeling "God." We were all created in perfect harmony and it's only our egos that tell us that we're separate and different from each other."
Me: "Yeah, got that. But there's this dude at work who's totally like... not cool. He looks and smells funny, he works for a company that has him here doing- literally- nothing, and he just walks around all day looking stupid and pushing buttons on his blackberry. Plus, I hear he's a dick."
Wayne: "::laughs:: well, remember Caleb- when you judge someone you don't define them, you only define yourself as a person who needs to judge."
Me: "That's lame. I heard that on your tapes years ago and I was like 'what? that's crazy talk.'"
Wayne: "It's true though. Maybe this person- who you label so negatively- has a purpose to teach you about compassion. About how to see people with acceptance instead of judgment- and help you to be a better person."
Me: "That sounds nice and all, but is it cool if I just sort of do that in my head? Like, not have to be around him or anything? Seriously- he stinks. That's not even a judgment- he just smells awful."
Wayne: "Well, technically, a smell is just a smell. There are no good or bad smells, only judgments we create for ourselves. I may love the smell of cooked asparagus, where the same smell would be horrible to another person."
Me: "So you're admitting that it's possible that this guy stinks rotten."
Wayne: "I'm saying you might think that. But maybe he's in a place in his life where he's far from his God-realized purpose and simply by showing him compassion you could lead him towards a more fulfilling path."
Me: "Just tell me what's the least I can do to get him to shower."
Wayne: "The point isn't to-"
Me: "No- just tell me. What do I have to do."
Wayne: "Well Caleb, you need to-"
Me: "Look, Talky McTalkerton, gurus are supposed to be able to perform miraculous feats. Walking on water, creating bread out of dirt- all I"m asking is for an air freshener for the Stinkbomb."
Me: "Anyway. So how's Maui? I love that you just loaf around, writing and swimming, and enjoy living in Hawaii. That's got to be really cool."
Wayne: "It is. I love Maui. There's just a great sense of peace and calm there that allows me to do some of my best writing. The weather doesn't hurt, either."
Me: "Yeeah, dat's cool. Have you seen The Ladies Man? Never mind. So you have 8 kids, right?"
Wayne: "Yes, 8 beautiful children. 6 girls and 2 boys; though my oldest daughter is quite a bit older than the rest."
Me: "Hmm. And they're about my age, right?"
Wayne: "Yes- Sands is in his early 20's and I think Skye is a year or two older than you."
Me: "So about those daughters..."
Me: "Fair enough. But I saw Skye singing with you when I took my mom to see you in Chicago- great talk, by the way- and she looks kind of hot."
Wayne: "She's a beautiful girl. Did your mother enjoy my speaking?"
Me: "Don't change the subject. Is she seeing anyone?"
Wayne: "Well, you'd probably have to ask her. I'm not sure if you would be her kind of guy, though. She normally likes handsome men."
Me: "Ouch! Sick burn, Wayne!
Wayne: "I was only kidding! I'm not sure if she's seeing anyone, but I'll ask her next time I see her."
Wayne: "Did you have anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Me: "What? Sorry. Got lost in thought there. Uh... no. I read most of what you have to say in your books. How's that Deepak guy? He seems kind of funny."
Wayne: "Oh he's hilarious. You know, just the other day he was-"
Me: "Oh hey- my phone. Hold on a sec. ::answers:: Hello? Yes. Yes. No, I just paid you last month. Yup. Check it again- I gotta go- I'm talking to Wayne Dyer!"
Me: "Anyway. Starsky's bored. Have you seen Starsky and Hutch? Never mind. I gotta run. Let me know about Skye."
Wayne: "All right. It was good to talk to- Caleb? Well then... guess he was done. What a weirdo. Can't imagine having a son-in-law like that... cripes. Not without some serious ADD meds anyway. Hmm. Guess I'll meditate."
Me: "::eats sandwich::"
Not the Earth-shattering talk I would like, I suppose, but still. It's Wayne Dyer.