Entry 148: My (cats!) Serious, Non-ADD (cats!) Side. (cats!) And, You Know, (cats) Keeping It Real. (cats!)

It's not often that I approach this blog as a serious outlet for sharing everyday happenings in my life.  But, seeing as how so many things have changed in the last month, I felt it only fair to open up and bring the "real" parts of my life into sharper focus.  So let's start at the "now" and work back to the "then," shall we?

Lolz!  This sign is a block from my house!  Creepers, right?

I'm living in St. Louis now, in a nice house that has a sweet balcony off my bedroom where I can read, chain-smoke, and drink coffee.  I really like spending time out there!  I've been reading George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, which is really good.  If you like nerd fantasy, it's the way to go.  And yes, it's the one that they have based the new HBO series Game of Thrones on. 

Look at this elephant painting I found!  Hilarious!  He looks so annoyed!

I'm in my third week of law school here at Washington University.  It's going well, but I think this first year is going to be a bit more work than I expected!

My friend's daughter got her hair highlighted- looks cool, huh? 

Adjusting to a new situation can be difficult, right?  Luckily I had the support of family and friends who all helped make my transition a smooth one.  Special thanks to mommasauros for helping get my house ready to sell, and to LJ for helping me set up my new house.  Couldn't have done it without you!

So I'm still trying to sell a few things from my house. Anyone need a trombone?

Here's a kind of funny story... when I got into St. Louis it was late -like, 3am- and I was exhausted.  I only wanted to sleep but I didn't want to leave my TV in the Uhaul all night so I brought it into the house, quietly.  Except my new neighbor woke up and offered to move his van if I need him to.  Oh, and he was shirtless, long-haired, possibly drunk, and his name is Wildcat.  No, that's his name.  And his elderly mother lives with him and drinks Beast Lite all day... her name?  Mama Wildcat. 

Or an organ?  It's in perfect playing condition!

One nice thing about a new school and a new city is meeting new people.  So far I've liked the other first year law students I've met- though they're all a bit younger than I was expecting.  A great majority are right out of undergrad (or close enough) and are only 22-23.  There's a few oldies like myself, but still.  That's kind of different! 

My friend (Turtlegirl) daughter again!  Dance!

Classes?  They've been really interesting so far.  All first year students take the same courses, so the classes are usually large- around 90 people.  The professors like to call randomly on students and stick with them for questions, so it's best to do the reading and be prepared.

Sorry- that last one was blurry.  This one's better.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't already had some drunken shenanigans occur.  I know you'd expect nothing less from me, and I haven't disappointed.  The odd thing is, the bars here are all different- some are open until 130, others 3am.  Some allow smoking in the bar, some don't.  Some are owned by quadriplegics that only bought one prosthetic limb so they can smoke camels all day, some aren't. 

Mini-Turtlegirl on her first day of school in a new town.  Precious!

While things have been good overall, there have still been a few rough patches.  I haven't slept quite as well as I normally do, which is strange because usually nothing interrupts my sleeping.  I've also inexplicably started losing weight, which for me isn't a good thing.  Some of you may know my "possible tapeworm" story from early undergrad, but I'm always suspicious of unexplained weight loss.  Hopefully it levels off.

You call this art? I call this barely-hidden penis porn.  Nice try, Dali.

Oh, right.  Some of you may wonder how I've fared so far in convincing Cardinal fans that they're headed to the dark side and to be Cub fans... well, as you'd expect, they haven't been very receptive.  For my first week here I was pretty sure my name was "...fuck off." 

 No seriously- this is the cutest pic ever, right?  Tiny girl in a big coat!!

And how's Ella?  She's doing well.  I think she likes the new house- though my roommate has a (cross-eyed) cat "Gnarls" and Ella is trying to establish her dominance.  I'm sure they'll be friends in no time.

Aww... look who's all tuckered out!

Okay, that's probably all you need to know for now.  Sorry about the break in blogging- it took me a while to get my shit set up, get settled, and get some free time.  Hopefully I'll be back to my semi-regular blogging schedule from now on!  As a sneak preview of my next blog idea, I'll ask this question: what does your voicemail greeting say about you? 

See you soon!

Thanks to great friends for being... great friends! 

Caleb "What?  What's weird about this post?  I don't get it." Shreves

PS Thanks to TurtleGirl for all the help editing these pictures!  You were right- there was something missing before! Tweet

Entry 147: Lazy? Shit No! I've Been Busy Learning Stuff. And Things.

Hey there, patient readers. 

First off, I realize that I've been postless (What? Postless isn't a word?  I HATE you, red-squiggly-underline-thing!) for some time now, and I want to assure you that it's not because of some artistic choice, or me trying to be like all the cool bloggers, or that I'm a lazy shit that found new distractions and abandoned you for videos of laughing babies.  Au contraire!  What happened is that very little happened in the last few weeks other than me getting ready to move to St. Louis.

Yeah, sure, there have been several slightly-amusing things that have happened, but you don't think I would just loosely tie all those things together in some post of poorly-hid random musings, do you?  Of course not.

So as I get ready to move to St. Louis this weekend, I've been thinking of what I've learned recently.  The life lessons and hard-won wisdom of my recent life.  Without further ado (shutup, Sharla- I'll type as much as I want) I present to you...


Caleb's Life Lessons from approximately some time ago until now.


Lesson #1.  Constant Complaining is a viable way to get what you want. 

I have been bitching non stop about you-know-what at work.  Recently, the vendors-that-be decided to finally stock the vending machine (dick) with blue Doritos.  Rejoice!   The next day, they took the vending machine out of the building.  Mother. Fuckers.  As to lesson #1?

Apparently someone realized the correct way to get me to stop bitching about not having Blue Doritos.  Touche, Reebs.


Lesson #2.  Spend time with your friends while you can. 

Unicorn Horns make the best disguises

It's tough when you leave a group of friends.   You get busy trying to prepare for a big move, and sometimes you think you can cram in a bunch of hang-out time and stock it away, like salt pork for a long winter.  You can't though.  Take the chances you get to visit your friends while you can, because you know they're a pack of lazy shits who will forget about you as soon as you leave and certainly aren't going to take the trouble to come visit you.  

And since you're going to have to do a bunch of boozin' in your new city to make new friends, it's a good idea to play the "you know I'm going away, right?" card to get your friends to pay your bar tab.  Save some money. 


Lesson #3. People will ask you dumb questions about your move, so respond accordingly with dumb answers.

*these are all actual questions I've been asked recently.  Often by several people, or the same person several times

Are you going to live in a house?

No.  They actually don't have houses in St. Louis, so I'm probably going to rent an official Washington University Conestoga Wagon.  That way I can use it to sleep in and procure sundries from the big city.

Doesn't it take 7 years of school?

Yes, but only if you opt for the Lawyer/Dentist/PhD 3-for-1 degree special.  I think that's what I'm going to do, since they're having a half-off degree sale through August.  

A 3 bedroom house? Are you going to have roommates?

What? And give up my arcade room and Guitar Hero workshop?  Pshaw!  As if!  How can I be expected to study if I don't have ways to blow off some steam?

Are you going to take a truck to move your stuff?

Nope.  I sold my +3 Longsword (+7 vs. Orcs) to the local arms merchant for 1800 gold pieces and bought a bag of holding (encumbrance .7) that should hold everything and fit in my car.  Suck it, Uhaul!


Lesson #4.  All those hours of playing video games DO pay off, mom!

In July my neighborhood bar brought in an old arcade machine that has awesome games like Dig Dug, Galaga, and Frogger.  They thought it would be fun to have a contest on Frogger where the high score for the month wins a pizza party with lots of beer.  So at the beginning of the month I dropped .50 cents, used 1 frog, and set a high score that was pretty beatable.

For a gamer.  I think, though, that I'm the only gamer in town.  Because nobody got close for most of the month, though the bartender Missy tried just about every day she was there.  I was worried that my tease-and-destroy plan was going to fail, but 2 days before the contest was up I was rewarded with this:

11,800 points?  Impressive! Nice work, Missy!

Boy was she proud.  No less than 3 people texted me within the hour to gloat over the fact that my high score was finally beaten and there would be no free beer in my future.  So I rolled in the night of the 31st with .50 cents and destroyed Missy's glory. 

Lolz!  I was still on the first frog and just kamikazed the other 2.  For spite.

Ah, sweet victory.  And yes, my beer and pizza were delicious.


Lesson #5.  Skydiving is awesome and life really helps you hassle people sometimes. 

Last year I went skydiving with Krust.  Her OCD required her to look up pictures of all the tandem instructors that might have to be strapped to her and make sure none of them were "too gross."  She was fine with all of them except one guy, Billy Bob.  She said that if she was matched with him that she would go back to the car, stab her eye out, and drive home to take a week long shower just to get rid of the thought of jumping with him. 

I went jumping again last week, dragging Kimmie with me because I got her to drunkenly agree last year to go if I went again.  She thought I would forget, and I didn't.  So in addition to the joy of watching Kimmie fall out of a plane, I got this: 

Lesson #6.  Never trust a gay instructor in a cooking class. 

Seriously- how do you even cut this into slices? 

Caleb "extra meat" Shreves


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Entry 146: Man VS. Nature, But Man Gets To Use Starting Fluid

I think that the spiders of my house are abusing my live-and-let-live policy.  I've felt recently that the number of random spider sightings at the Caleb estate has gone up, and this culminated (or so I thought) last month when I saw the biggest spider yet in my basement while doing laundry.  It was ::pauses, thinks of a way to not make this dirty:: um, it was thick, black, and hairy.  (Shit!)  Anyway.  I reacted like any normal adult male and shrieked while rushing to smash it with a half-used bottle of detergent.  The battle was over before it even began.

I told a few people about this spider, but I didn't tell LJ because I still had hopes that I could one day convince her to venture into my basement and do some laundry.  I know, I'm an optimist.  She's already scared of... something in the basement so I figured that telling her about a silver-dollar sized spider wouldn't help my case.

Literally- that's exactly what she said.

Last night I was heading out my front door to haz a smig* and I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks.   Let me try and re-create it for you.

Damn I'm good.

If you slowed time to a standstill, you could have identified four separate thoughts in my head.

1. That's strange.
2. Those look like insect legs.
3. More specifically, spider legs.
4. Wow- if those 2 legs are that big, then the spider must be
5. HOLY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY THAT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER EVER AND HE'S ALMOST IN MY HOUSE!!!

Okay, 5.

I collected myself for LJ's sake, took stock of the monster (holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, stay calm, holy shit), then assessed the situation.  I had to show somebody this monster, but if LJ was terrified of spiders and saw this thing then she might just run off in her nightgown, get in her car, and never step foot in my house again.  I decided to play it cool.

I think my "cool" looks more like tango dancing.  But what's the difference, really?

Me: "Hey there, LJ.  Question.  If you were to rank, say, bugs and animals and stuff on a freak-you-out scale, where would you put things?  Like, for instance-"

LJ: (slightly alarmed) "Did you see a snake?  Was there a snake?  Did you see a snake outside?"

Me: "No, no... but that's good.  So you'd put snakes at the top of the list?"

LJ: "I don't like anything."

Me: "Okay... but snakes are ahead of say... spiders?  Or bees?"

LJ: "There's a spider out there, isn't there."

Me: "Well there might... okay. Yeah.  It's fucking huge.  You have to come see it."

The die was cast.  We remained remarkably calm as we put on shoes and then side-stepped quickly through the doorway to get outside and take a look at the monster.  Oh, and while distracted, guess who decided to escape?  Yup- Worms.   Ungrateful cat.

It's hard to zoom in with an iPhone, but I tried to give a sense of perspective by using a lit cigarette.  Check it out.

Okay, that wasn't working.  For one, I was afraid of getting much closer to what I was sure was a wolf spider (they can jump).  PS THEY FUCKING JUMP.  So yeah, getting much closer wasn't an option.  But look at this picture- he barely looks as big as the doorknob.  In fact, he was bigger.  I had to take another picture.

Here's whats crazy.  I had to use my iPhone as a flashlight to see the thing.  But when I took a picture, I had to turn off the light in order to use the camera.  Leaving a brief period where I was IN THE DARK NEXT TO A MONSTER.  But I did this, for you.

That's a little better.

It was battle time.  The spider was endowed with fangs, venom, and agility, so I evened the score by scouring my house for the most dangerous chemicals I could find.

I passed up on Pledge (too lemon-y), decided against a carpet cleaner, and figured throwing dishwasher detergent cubes at it was going to be ineffective at best.  Unless I could actually get it into the dishwasher, in which case it would obviously be the best weapon.

So I went for a concentrated cleaning agent (like, you're supposed to dilute it or something dumb) and a bottle of starting fluid.  A fair match, I'd say.

As I sprayed it with Simply Green (turns out it was pet-safe and biodegradable- despite LJ's claims otherwise) it started jumping and running towards me, it's little fangs up in the air.  I grudgingly gave ground and added a good dose of starting fluid to mix with the cleaner.  It was trying to come at me, but was getting weighed down by all the shit I was spraying.  Finally, we reached a standstill.

I backed up, slowly, not wanting to lose sight of it, and searched for something to smash it with.  I found the discarded end of an old 10 pound dumbbell and held it several feet over Spiderzilla.  Then I dropped it.  Direct hit!  I picked it up and dropped it over and over again, until the spider was naught but a pile of legs and goo (in a puddle of starting fluid and simply green cleaner).  I wiped the sweat off my face and looked up to where I expected to see LJ, swooning over my bravery. 

Instead, I found her updating Facebook.  Seriously, Mark Zuckerberg- what have you done to us?

Caleb "1, spider: 0" Shreves

*"smig" is a new word for cigarette, coined by my brother Arby Tweet

Entry 145: The Five Minute Game. Oh, And Porn.

Yo-skis,

I decided to play a game today.  I get five minutes to pick popular topics and write something.  Yes, this is a coffee-fueled idea, and no- I *don't* want any goddamn sugar in my coffee.  Gross.

Setting the timer now... Go.

1. Casey Anthony trial

Did you know that some porn company had an offer on the table (heh... on the table) for her to do some adult videos?  True story.  They took the offer back after they assessed the extremely negative emotional reaction from people.  Porn standards- I know, right?  There goes my new drinking game idea, "See how long you can keep your boner while looking into Casey Anthony's crazy eyes."

2. Democrats and Republicans fighting over the debt ceiling.

Something about the whole thing reminds me of 2 straight guys getting tricked into doing gay porn.  They both show up on set, wieners in hand, look at each other and say "where's the bitches?"  Newsflash: there's no bitches.

3. Tosh.0.

Seriously- have you seen this fucking show?  It's awesome-tastic-mazing-ceptional.   That's a 4-combo adjective, which is the equivalent of a "fatality" in Mortal Kombat.  Tosh recently gave me the quote of the month: "Anal sex is like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't like it as an adult."

4. Soccer, some hockey, the French, hippies, tofu, sharing.

Gay.

Ding!  That's 5 already?  And yes- I type that quickly.

I feel cheated though... how about I take another 5, surf around, and see what sort of internet shenanigans I can come up with?  Go.

Suck it, Krust!

I hope cubs.com appreciates my candid feedback

The Johann recently bought a new SUV that smells like a steak and seats 35.   I call it "Canyonero" but he doesn't get the reference.  I used my last 2 minutes to finally find the video for him and share it.  You all know the reference, right?

And done.  Not bad for 10 minutes, right?

Bonus!  1 minute to list what else one could do with 10 minutes.  Go.

1. Have sex and then nap for almost 10 minutes.
2. Figure out that the Cubs are going to be losers this year
3. Get a degree from a community college
4. Wait for a beer at The Lucky Frog (Suck it, T!)
5. Get bored watching golf and play a 9 minute drinking game
6. damn!  out of time

Anyway folks.  This is a fun game- I suggest you try it.

Later!

Caleb "can I buy you a fish sandwich?" Shreves

PS technically I had an additional 15 seconds on the internet-shenanigan portion, so I've decided that I get a bonus.  Behold, the OCD-like qualities of my future roommate.  If she only knew how much beer of hers I'm going to drink...

I think she's getting serious about finding a place to live.  Oh, and yes, the bottom one is in regards to me selling The Nighthawk.  Blog Readers get a .01% discount!

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Entry 144: Where The Whores Is

When Ceaser built the Eiffel tower, he said his inspiration came from boredom and too much coffee.  Or something like that, I don't know- it's not like I pay attention to things.  But anyway, like Ceaser, most of my random conversations are due mainly to the same factors.  Many times I hear the question "are we really talking about this?" in mid-conversation, which is totally rude considering I'm trying to enlighten you out of my own good intentions.  You're welcome, life.

So recently I had a (brief) moment of self-reflection where I realized that a conversation that had just happened had, in fact, happened.  Determined to share with you what an ordinary conversation with me might look like, I immediately transcribed it to the best of my ability and checked it with my friend, RM, who I had just had the conversation with.  We sometimes do the weekly crossword, but often get delayed due to awesome conversations like this.

Here it is:

RM: "Are you ready to do the crossword now?"
Me: "Yeah, sorry, I had to re-post all my toys on Craigslist."
RM: "Toys?"
Me: "Yeah, I have several I need to sell.  And when I do, I'm totally going to be responsible with the money."
RM: "Your eyes make me doubt you."
Me: "Okay, half responsible.  I'll use half to pay for ::does air quotes:: 'Bills', and half on booze and whores.  Well, booze anyway.  Not sure how much whores are... ::considers:: Are they expensive? What's the going rate for whores nowadays, anyway?"
RM: "Um.  I don't know."
Me: "Ballpark.  Be reasonable."
RM: "I don't know.  Why would I know that?"
Me: "I'm just asking for an educated guess here.  Are we talking $20?  $10,000?  I just want to get an estimate."
RM: "A $20 whore doesn't sound like it'd be good."
Me: "Do you suppose $100 would do?  You know, for one nights work?  Maybe they operate like hotels and if you're still in past 11AM the next morning they charge you another stay."
RM: "Gross.  I think $100 sounds a bit cheap for a whore."
Me: ::sighs:: "You're probably right.  What about $250?  Straight up.  From the dinner hour through the evening.  Dancing optional."
RM: "You're going to buy your whore dinner?"
Me: "Buy her dinner?  Fuck no! I just gave her $250- I think she can afford a Subway sammich!"
RM: "You're really [at this point we don't remember if she said A)an idiot, B) cheap, or C)a fucking retard] you know?"
Me: ::wonders what whores eat:: "Anyway.  On to logistics."
RM: ::sigh::
Me: ::ignores:: "Where are the whores at?  I mean, where do you get them?"
RM: "I don't know where whores are.  Why would I know that? You seem to think I know a lot about whores."  ::casts suspicious glance my way::
Me: ::ignores:: "If you had to guess though? Downtown?  The Library?  Do they come out in the day or are they like Vampires? Oh! Oh! Are they still on Craigslist?? Under... erotic massage was it?"
RM: "No, they had to shut that section down remember?"
Me: "Oh right right right.... where'd they move to? Recreational vehicles?  Home appliances?"
RM: "Yes Caleb.  Home appliances.  That's where they went.  Can we do the crossword now?"
Me: ::rubs hands in maniacal glee:: "Yes... yes we can.  I'll BRB."  ::darts away towards desk::
RM: "No! No whore shopping! We have to do the crossword!"
Me: [yelling from my desk now] "Two minutes!"
RM: [yelling] "God!  I just wanna do the CROSSWORD!!"
Me: [yelling] "Two minutes I say!"
RM: [yelling] "Said that before, haven't ya!?"
Me:  ::ponders::  "Shut up, that's why!"



But it kind of gets you thinking, doesn't it?  Where are there whores?  What DO they cost?

It occurs to me that I know more about zombies than whores.  For shame.

Also, I found this:

Yes, it says "Luv Box"

So...

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Entry 143.5: In Defense Of My Previous Post. Also, Why Facebook Stalking Is A Viable Pastime.

Peepers!

In my previous post, I mentioned my twin, a Slippery Dick, hostage blue Doritos, and the benefits of the iPhone.  But all of that was a roundabout way of showing you what, I felt, was the best father/son picture ever taken.  My friend Andrew from the blog Too Much Pressure (read it!) with his dad. Here it is again for you ADD-can't-remember-anything crowd:

Pirate baby, right?  Well, actually, Kimmie thought he looked like a baby popeye.  Spot on, Kim.

Well, Andrew- while appreciative of the flattery- felt that this baby picture was not representative of his typical baby cuteness.  He had this to say in the comments:

Vapid Vixen [who said this this picture was effective birth control], this is an absolutely terrible picture of me. Because Caleb obviously hates me and couldn't use one that had me looking cute. Because usually I was cute. My mom wrote on the back of this one, "Buggers!" Yeah, I have no idea what the hell she was talking about... 


Well, I didn't want Andrew to think that I had somehow maliciously picked out his goofiest looking picture just for the amusement of myself and my readers, so I decided to do some investigating and see if, in fact, most of his baby pictures were cute.  Had I found one anomalous picture?  Was this an outlier?

Turns out Andrew was right, and I was wrong.  He left a bevy (::crosses 'use the word bevy' off the to-do list::) of evidence pictures on Facebook, and I'd like to set the record straight now by showing you what a typical picture of young Andrew looks like.  We'll start here:

Ah-dorable. The perfectly fitted hat, the artfully placed freckles... in fact, if you look closely, you can see the loving craftsmanship that went into designing the patches over the knee.  Score one for Andrew.


And how about this gem?

I don't know what I like more in this picture, the snappy overalls or the baby-on-one-leg pose.  If you look closely, you can see a bit of the popeye face on young Andrew.  

In this oh-so-adorable picture I won't even point out which one is Andrew.  See if you can guess!

I think that Andrew and I have a lot in common.  I too was always "that guy" that had to be different in every picture, never face the camera, and had inordinate pride in my overly-large and oblong head.  We suffer in silence, Andrew.

Cuuute!  Once again we see a hint of the Popeye face here, but nothing as intense as the original picture from Entry 143.  Though the distress and obvious escape attempt in this picture is telling, it's still much cuter than the one I picked out.  Touche.

You know what's cute?  No, no... not just the too-short pants.  And not the brown shoes or even the perfectly symmetrical hair part.  Nope- look closer.  The epic tenderness used to hold that rabbit in place on the fern bridge?  Beautiful.

So after reviewing the evidence, I've come to realize that I needed to set the record straight and show people that Andrew was right, I picked the one strange picture he had, and show you the rest of the pictures so you could gain the proper context.

Oh! Oh! Because I can:

LOLZ!

Sorry Andrew.  That's just... the most ridiculous picture I've ever seen.  On the plus side, I didn't submit any of these to awkwardfamilyphotos.com.   But maybe YOU should!  And I want t-shirts made up with the original father/son picture by next Father's Day.  I stand by my assertion: best. picture. ever.

In fairness, one day I promise to divulge a few of my embarrassing kiddy pics.  I, uh, have some bad ones.

Caleb "sets the record straight" Shreves

PS In other news, I was awarded "Reader of the Decade" by the Cubs site bleachernation.com.   Epic.

PPS In an effort to create balance in The Force, I'll include ONE actual cute Andrew baby picture.  Hope you're happy. 

....................





PPPS wait... wait... more balance needed.  Here's one ugly baby, not Andrew. 

There we go... ::sighs::  Balance, restored. Tweet

Entry 143: Hehheh... "Entry 143" How Many 'Entries' Does It Take Before... You Know What, Nevermind.

Hey There Peepsosaurus!

You know, every time I make up some ridiculous name that ends in "saurus," I always wonder, "does that end in a 'us' or 'os'?"  Because, of course, when you're making up words it's important to spell them right.  So this time I finally looked it up.  Which means, reader, that my calling you "peepsosaurus" was done with the utmost of academic integrity.

That being said (because it was), look at what I found!

Can you guess which one is me?

Same jeans?  Check.  Black Laredo boots on?  Check.  Same "corncob stuck in my butt" strut?  Check.  Nondescript shirts?  Check.  Talking on a white iPhone?  Check.

That's right.  I found my twin while I was in Chicago!  I thought it would be fun to sneak him back to the hotel and trick LJ into having some sex with him, then I would jump out and yell "surprise! gotcha!" and she'd laugh and laugh, but we were running late to the Shedd Aquarium.

When we got to the Aquarium I thought I was going to have to have an epic battle with Linezilla, but for an extra 11 cents you can skip the 2 hour line, get a years membership, and get in right away.  Yeah, apparently some people are dumb enough to not do that and prefer standing in line next to overweight emo teenagers that insist on wearing clothes that fit them 8 years ago.  Great plan, happy. 

But you know what's really cool?  When we got in, I showed the chick at the counter my gun show and she was all like "Holy cow!  Your guns!  Please do us the honor of naming a new species of fish!"  And then I was all like "Fine.  But these guns are fer lookin', not fer touchin'"  (Which is a lie, because, she could totally touch 'em.  But you know.) 

Ladies and Gentlemen, behold my aquatic masterpiece!

Named this one after my dear great-grandmother...bless her soul.

 

 

You're welcome.  Now you might be saying "Whoa, whoa Caleb!  Slow down!  What were you doing in Chicago?  What have you been up to?  You can't just stroll into your blog without-"  Which is where I interrupt you because you SO talk too much and I zoned out seconds ago.  I will tell you what I was not doing however, because I took a neurotic and probably OCD girlfriend with me: getting lost.

It's kind of hard to see (sorrs), but these are directions, printed out, to and from every location within 200 miles of Chicago.  Home to hotel, home to Wrigley, Wrigley to hotel, hotel to Wrigley, Wrigley to home, hotel to home, etc.  This isn't even all of them (for serious).   I'm all like, "Yeah, that's crazy sweet and all, but it turns out- like most things in life- the best solution is in my pocket." 

Yeah... who even prints out directions anymore? Sheesh.  That's so 2005.  Get the net, LJ!  (This is the part where she jumps in and argues that my iPhone map app is possessed, and the little blue dot has the ability to travel through time and space in ways that do not follow known scientific models.  My standard retort goes as follows: "shut up, that's why."  Then I kiss my iPhone on it's mouth.  Well, where I imagine the mouth to be anyway.)

^ longest parenthetical thought of the day award!  Yay me!

Anywhoo. 

I went and saw the Cubs, they were awesome, and Wrigley field is my Mecca.  But you knew that.  And you also probably knew that the Cubs are the greatest sports team in the history of the universe.  And you ALSO probably knew that I am a respectful and dignified fan of the game, who tries to treat my fellow man with grace and tact even when that sentiment is not returned.  However, Yankees and Cardinals fans are rarely worthy of such treatment. 

I generously offered a co-worker (Yankees fan) text updates with pics and highlights of the game.  She told me I'd "better effing not" and then said bad things would happen if I did.  Then I received this:

Threatening my innocent Blue Doritos?  Not cool.  Typical Yankee fan.

And Cardinal fans?  They always claim that they know the most about sports.  I was suspicious of this claim until recently, when an obliging Cardinal fan took the time to explain to a group of us the difference, in animal-mascot terms, of the Cubs and the Cardinals.  Maybe they do know a lot.  Worth considering.

Enjoy.  (and no, you can't have these 19 seconds of your life back.)

What's the point of all this rambling?  Well, okay.  Fair enough- you caught me.  I really just wanted to show you the funniest father/son picture I've ever seen, courtesy of Andrew at Too Much pressure.  Thanks, man.  Awesome pic!  Seeing you as a baby really explains some things.

Stay classy!

Caleb "coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee" Shreves

PS someone please buy me the t-shirt that has 5 commas and a picture of a chameleon.  Thanks. Tweet