Entry 65: Caleb: Origins

You,

I love the movie Tombstone.  I could quote pretty much the entire movie (as well as a million others- it's one of my skillz).   One summer when I was 12 I watched that movie every single day with my cousin, The Saw, between trips to the local pool.  He was about 17 at the time and so was the driver in our operation.  I think he drove a puke-green something-or-other that we called the snot-rocket. \

One day we were working some game at the pool and struck gold.  Two gals, 15 and 17, a blond and a brunette.  We chatted it up, flirted it up, and got their numbers before we left.  This was a first (for me, anyway).  The problem was that they lived 45 minutes away!

The Saw and I decided to make a road trip happen.  We needed funds so we collected cans, did odd jobs, and scraped money from under any couch cushions in a 50 mile radius.  We finally had enough assorted change and bills to pay for gas, a meal, and spiffy new outfits. 
The problem?

Well, again, I was 12.  I (read: The Saw) had lied and said that I was 14.  Hey, I looked and acted older anyway, right?  Plus, I forgot to mention that both of these girls were cute.  And developed (read: boobs).

So we had to lie and make up some other story about what we were really doing.  Don't even remember the lie, actually.  But we hit the road and drove off to have a campfire with our two new gal-pals.  Great success!

A night of hanging out, plenty of flirting, and roasted wieners (stop it you pervs) and it was almost time for us to get back.  Well, technically, we were probably already supposed to be back hours ago, but you know how it is (boobs!). 

The Saw took the older gal off somewhere to make out and there I was, a completely inexperienced 12 year old, with a 15 year old hottie who definitely thought I was older and cool. 

[The only point of conversation I can remember was when I made a lame joke about how they must have named the local Cedar River.  Me: "They probably said 'See-dare? River.'"  I know, lame.]

So did I make out with her?

To be continued...

Psych- I wouldn't do that.  Of course I made out with her!  I don't remember whether that was my first kiss or first boob touch, but I can say that it was probably the coolest thing that had happened in my life up to that point.  It might have even gone further, but like I said I was 12 and I had NO idea what to do.  My only instinct was "Boob!  Must touch!" (still is, actually)

The Saw had a lucrative night as well, more so than me, but he was older too.  He later even pulled out the proverbial "dude- smell my finger!" 

We lied about the whole trip for a while, but inevitably we got busted and I think either theirs or our parents found out and there were some stern phone calls. 

I never saw my girl again, but I can still kind of picture the whole thing in my mind and remember how nervous I was touching them hooters.  If you women only knew the power you contained in those innocent-looking breasticles...  man.

So basically I lied, scrounged money, and flirted my way into making out with a hot girl that never called again.  Not much changes in 15 years, huh?

Caleb "Boobs!!!" Shreves Tweet

Entry 64: Caleb Gets His First Hater!

Readers, 

As you may know, I have another side-blog that I keep updated with the worst (read: best) innuendos in the world.  News, conversations, blogs; it's all fair game to me.  If you haven't checked it out yet, do so right Meow!

Honestly, I thought that with all the shenanigans and crap I put on this blog that I would have hate some hater comments by now.  Oddly enough it hasn't happened yet.  Oh well.

But it did happen on my other site, "I'm Telling Your Mom!"

I hadn't checked any of my comments for a while (I didn't know you had to subscribe to your own stinkin' site to see them!) and yesterday I decided to see what was there.  I found this gem!

First, I'll give you the innuendo in question (it's a pretty good one, too)

"Hopefully he won't be lame anymore. Right now his stride is pretty short and choppy. He's not totally lame or anything, just... Off. :-/ So, I've just been riding him lightly lately. Just walking and trotting a little bareback, because he'll get totally out of shape if I just give him time off for too long." --

Not bad, right?  I like to tell people on their blog when I'm using something from their site (so they can check and see if they win ITYM of the year of course) and the owner of this blog posted under my comment section:

Lydia said... 

Hi,
I'd really appreciate it if you would stop totally abusing the blogs of people from the equestrian world. It's totally immature, especially without asking permission to borrow the quotes first. I don't appreciate you borrowing these quotes, and I'm sure the other people with equestrian based blogs don't either. Our phrases are not intended to be interpreted in this totally sick, mindless fashion the way you interpret them. In fact, your whole blog is completely ludicrous. I'm surprised an adult (or can I even say that) like you would be so immature as to do something like this, and twist our quotes into something horrendous. It's abusive, annoying, and frankly quite stupid. Please stop. Thank you. :)
~Lydia
www.stewylydia.blogspot.com (just for reference so you never so much at copy my quotes again) 

Righto then!   I was rubbing my hands in anticipation of a snappy retort, but when I checked her blog again I saw that she was only in 8th grade.  Can't be that mean to an 8th grader, right?

So I thought my response was appropriate.  I was a little nervous since I was fending off my first hate mail.

Caleb said... Ha! Just saw this.

Hi Lydia,

While- legally speaking- re-posting a quote from someone's blog is fine as long as you aren't claiming it as your own original content, I will, due to your indignant and self-righteous email, refrain from using your blog again for any purpose on this site. You're welcome!

However, don't make the mistake of generalizing all horse riders as humorless fussy-shorts; I happen to know several that are quite funny and even allow themselves to occasionally watch "The Office." Seen it? Good show.

This site is not only entertaining, but is also a public-awareness campaign. If you don't realize what your comments sound like to certain types of people (those whose humor stagnated at about 7th grade- approx. 36% of the population) you are bound to repeat them and face merciless laughter from we hooligans. I'm just trying to save you the trouble.

So I suppose your comment is out of contention for ITYM of the year. For shame!

I take it you won't be following this site?

Stay safe on that horse,

Caleb

Not bad, right?

Caleb "I picked on an 8th grader" Shreves

PS reminds me of when I told off the curly headed f*ck on my Pittsburgh trip! (Entry 33)
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Entry 63: Where Have All The OCD Gone... Long Time Passing!

Amigos,

First, forgive the grammar of this post title.  But you've heard that
song, right?

This post is about the amazing transformation of my friend from OCD nut
to not-so-OCD-anymore.

It's a story of trials, tribulations, remote controls and beer.

So how bad was she?  Well, let me give you a few of my favorite
examples.

1. Her hands normally look like a skeleton's, due to the fact that she hand
sanitizes after touching anything but air and carries around bottles of
it in her purse, car, desk, and pocket.

2. She is obsessed with the cleanliness of her dog and not only brushes his
teeth every day with a doggy-brush, but wipes his butt after he poops
outside.  I know, right?

3. She couldn't touch dollar bills, and would hold her purse out so that
cashiers could just drop the money in.  Later, she would go home and
drop the bills into a sink filled with soapy water.  To dry them out,
she would hang them with little clothes-pins on a string.

4. Hotels were almost impossible.  She would sanitize the entire room, and
put the remote control (using gloves of course) in a ziplock bag so she
would not have to touch it.  ("I've seen those shows with the
blacklights!  Fuck that!")

Bad, right?

Well, she's a lot better now. Drugs, life, and copious amounts of
alcohol have given this gal an amazing life transformation!  Here is the
new and improved K:

1. She not only touched a hotel remote-control, but drunkenly fell asleep
with it in her mouth, drooling down the buttons.

2. She not only touches, but actually (to prove a point) licked a dollar
bill.  Straight from the stripper's ass, probably.

3. She has gone to a muddy redneck shenanigan-fest and not only gotten
dirty, but shared liquor with strangers and ate random redneck people's
food.

4. Making out with strangers, smoking cigarettes until her lungs burn,
drinking what she calls "swill" (aka Bud Light); it's almost like I
don't even know who she is anymore!

So, let's hear it for her!  What an amazing transformation, right?

The moral of this story is that, if you drink enough and hate yourself
enough, you can change anything about yourself that you want to.

Congrats, K.

Caleb "I might be a little OCD myself" Shreves Tweet

Entry 62: Project Husband Gets Caleb-Ized

Potential applicants,

Those of you looking to get married; have you ever fantasized about your
dream wedding?  Ever known every detail and planned it in your mind?
Have you ever actually SET a date and bought a dress?

While still single?

Well, Lisa Lineham has.  She has started what she calls "Project Husband
2011" and has the wedding already set and planned out.  Now on to the
easy part, right?  Just gotta go find a groom quick...

For you interested fellers out there, she has created a "position
description" complete with 15 requirements and 22 paragraph-style
questions for you to ask.  Here's the link:

http://projecthusband2011.blogspot.com/2010/03/project-husband-position- description.html

First off, let's get it out of the way that in the majority of cases if
a date told you she already had a wedding plan, you would excuse
yourself to go to the bathroom and then sprint like Usain Bolt until
your lungs burst and you were sure that any roofies that the crazy had
put in your drink hadn't taken effect.

But let's say she was really, really hot?  Let's go with 8.5 or greater.

This is where my concern for this girl comes into play.  This situation
is what I would call "ripe for the picking" or "the low hanging fruit"
or "right in my wheelhouse."  I mean, she's already given herself the
pressure of a timetable right?

So all you have to do is play perfect nice guy while dragging time out
until getting rid of you is unthinkable.  Then, you have her by the...
er, well, you know- you have leverage.  (girls don't have balls)

"I want you to give me road head, right now."

"No... I don't really want to."

"Then the wedding is OFF!"

::she thinks about it, realizes that 2-3 months is too short of time to
find a replacement groom, and complies with your wishes::  Great
success!

Wrong to manipulate someone like this?  Maybe.  Shallow?  Probably.  But
isn't it pretty shallow to create an ACT-like test to audition for a
wedding that you- and only you- have planned already?

That's why I worry for this girl- there are too many guys out there who would do this.

Or, maybe, the guy that is shallow enough to treat her that way will
match her shallowness completely and they will find ironic and lovely
bliss together at their wedding!

Who knows.  Maybe she's just optimistic and creative and realizes that
she's not going to settle just because of some arbitrary date.

But you know how stubborn women are...

Here's how to trick Caleb into this.  Check it out:

You: "Wow, things are really going great with us Caleb.  I love spending
time with you!"
Me: "I know, right?  It's pretty super."
You: "You should like... marry me.  I'll never change and I'll always do
laundry and dishes!"
Me, eyes glazing over: "Wow, really?  Dishes?  Okay I guess... let's do
it!"
You: "Want me to plan everything out and you just show up and drink free
beer?"
Me: "Do I!?"
You: "Cool!  How does (pretend to think about it) August sound?"

See?  Easy.  Wait- I feel like I'm giving away my hand.

Crud.

I suppose, however, that as ridiculous as this plan sounds it's still better than the "I'll get pregnant and then he'll marry me" plan or the "It's been 3 months- I'm sure we should get married!" plan.  Got to give her credit for that.

So to hedge my bets, I think I'll plan a wedding for December 15, 2023.  I'll be 40 by then, and it should be after the Cubs win their 13th consequtive World Series Title.  Any takers out there?

Caleb "not as fast as Usain Bolt" Shreves Tweet

Entry 61: Sunday Funday!

Dudes and dudettes,

What have you been doing with yourselves on Sundays?

Going to church?  Running with the bulls?  Knitting?

Well stop all that and start enjoying yourself some Sunday Funday!  It occurred to me that some of you might not know of the tradition where, in an attempt to maximize your weekend fun and get over any Saturday night hangovers, you have as much fun as possible on Sundays. 

What should you do?

Well, for starters, you need to start drinking before noon.  Remember, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

You may be hungover and thinking "No way- I'll never have another drink" but trust me- it's the only way to lessen the pain.  If you're in extremely bad shape, I recommend Bloody Marys.

Then, assemble any friends you have to join you in drinking.

[by 'assemble' I mean bust into their house and wake their lazy asses up.  With a cold beer.]

Next, think of any crazy shenanigans you can and do them.  All day.

I recommend some of the following:

1. Go streaking (through the quads... to the gymnasium!)
2. Play you some gee-tar
3. Ride 4 wheelers really fast
4. Shave your head like a monk, put on cut-off bibs, wear cowboy boots, and ride around on your Harley

I present to you... Cledus.  aka Friar Tuck

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Entry 60: Let Me Put My Patriotism In You

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Entry 59: Nice Guys Versus Douches

Gang,

How nice is too nice?

If you look at the statistics (or just assume them in your own head) you will see that, on average, douchier guys have better luck with women.

Why is this?

Granted, no girl should be with an out-and-out douche machine.  A guy that never respects a woman, treats her like crap, and acts like a raging ass 24-7 is not a good long-term match for a girl.  But there must be something in the confidence of these types of guys that makes girls overlook the popped collar and backwards hat and give them a chance.  Why?

Many theories on this subject abound.  You can just scan the blogosphere and see 100 opinions on this matter, but my two cents is that women like confidence.  Women like a man that goes his own way, knows himself, and -most of all- can be fun.  Douchery sometimes looks like a weird form of confidence, and women aren't always great at knowing the difference (that and they're born optimistic romantics). 

But some guys, for some reason, sacrifice some of their... manliness (for lack of a better term) in some sort of ill-conceived idea that they're doing the right thing for their girl.

Wrong.

The Nerv has recently gone through some life changes that have made him rethink his approach to dating.  He has offered to write a guest post about the trade-offs between niceness and assertiveness, and I think you'll all enjoy it.  His perspective is fascinating, because he is both lucky with finding women but also one of the nicest men around.  You can guess how things usually work out for him!

He's notoriously tardy (like I mentioned yesterday) but hopefully this warm up post will entice him to hustle up and send me his work.

You'll want to read it.

So, ladies, what's your experience with nice guys and douches?  Or, if you've found someone special for yourself (or a great husband like housewifey), why do they work out so well for you?

Hustle up, Nerv. 

And get me my anthem recording!

Shreves out.  Tweet